


A Love So Beautiful

by Angedelaube



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Angst, F/M, First Love, Historical, Romance, Sexual Content, True Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-08-12
Updated: 2013-03-31
Packaged: 2017-11-12 00:36:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 65,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/484675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angedelaube/pseuds/Angedelaube
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The summer sun went down on their love long ago. But in their hearts they still can't let the other go. Bella's love for Edward is put through the biggest test of all: time. Can their love survive and overcome all obstacles when there is no hope? Set in the late 19th Century. It might hurt, just a little bit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story is labelled Angst. Which in my language means all bets are off and I can hurt my readers as much as I want with all the angst I can throw their way. So, do not ask me if this will have a HEA or if Edward will be with Bella, because I'm doing the evil thing and pleading the fifth.
> 
> For those brave enough to stay, thank you.
> 
> Disclaimer: These characters are the sole property of Stephenie Meyer. I am just being cruel and making them suffer a bit more than she did.
> 
> A/N Not beta'd. Tried to find one but I already have AV on PTB and SRP is not taking multi-chaptered stories so *shrugs* Sorry if my mistakes annoy you. I'm not a native speaker and I'm only writing this to get my writing juices flowing and finish my WIP's.

  


**A Love So Beautiful**

**London, England 1894.**

Many times I've wondered if things would have been easier for me if I hadn't loved Edward Cullen so much. Sometimes I even dreamt of a world in which I've never met him. A world in which all the heartache I carried with me was non-existent. It surprised me how the idea of such world hurt more than any of the things I've suffered for Edward ever had.

As I look at myself in the mirror, ready to walk down the aisle to unite my life to another man for all eternity, all I can think of is that in spite of it all I would not change a thing about my past with Edward.

**x-X-x**

**Hertfordshire, England 1889.**

"You're being silly!" Edward shouts at me from his position higher up in the hill. We're walking towards 'our spot' the place where we've shared many games and picnics throughout the years. It's also the place where I realised I was madly in love with him. Not that he knows that.

Up in the hill we have always lived in a world of our own. A place where we could be ourselves and not the little lady and little lord our parents wanted us to be.

I have always envied Edward's endurance under our parents' pressure, even though he was usually under much more pressure that I could have ever dreamt. He is the future Lord Cullen after all. I am simply Bella Swan, the daughter of a very successful but titleless American businessman.

"I'm not being silly!" I shout back at him, agitated by the intense hike towards our meadow. "She was fawning over you. She practically threw herself at your feet. It was very unsuitable for a lady."

"You know how Victoria is, Bella! She just wants to be the centre of everyone's attention," Edward replies, lending me a hand to traverse the final trek of our path. "Besides," he adds, hugging me to him in an effort to keep my balance, "we're all alone now. No more of Victoria's antics."

Edward smiles that silly smile that makes my insides melt. I push myself away from his body seeking some clarity to reply.

"You know I like Victoria," I say in a weak voice that shames me. I clear my throat to regain my composure. "I just can't tolerate her for long when she's trying to draw everyone's attention to herself. She goes from endearing to flamboyant in a couple of sentences. She tires me."

"I understand," Edward says in a soft voice, "but now we can stop thinking about her. Come, let's sit and enjoy the rest of the afternoon without bothersome interruptions."

I take Edward's hand and let him assist me in sitting next to him in the ground. Not an easy task with the petticoat I'm forced to wear with this dress. Once we're sitting, Edward doesn't let go of my hand and instead draws invisible patterns on my skin, making me shiver.

"My father told me he has something very important to discuss with me before I return to Eton. I think he wants to involve me in his businesses more so that when he's gone I've acquired some experience." Edward suddenly comments breaking the silence.

"Maybe he wants you to settle down and choose a suitable wife?" I reply hating the mere idea of Edward marrying someone who is not me.

"Bella, I'm sixteen years old. I know my father is old-fashioned and a traditionalist but not even him would force me to marry at such age."

I nod, trying to hide the sudden melancholy that has invaded my heart. Even though I know Edward is right and Lord Cullen will wait until Edward is at least eighteen to start pressuring him about marriage, I also know that marriage to me will never be considered. I'm more than suitable to be Edward's friend. I'm more than suitable as an acquaintance, because my father has more money than the King. But I have no title, and as Edward has just correctly stated his father is a traditionalist. He would never allow his only son to marry the daughter of an American businessman. My love for Edward is hopeless even if Edward comes to see me as a woman someday.

"You seem sad," Edward remarks tilting my chin with his index finger so that I have to face him.

"I'm just thinking how lonely I'll feel once you do have to take a wife. I doubt your future wife will be very amenable to allowing you to spend any time alone with me. As it is your mother has started to question our outings. I heard her say to my mother the other day that no lady should be allowed so much time alone with a boy as we are allowed. I fear this might be one of our last visits to our meadow."

Edward drops his hand from my face and lies down on the ground. He closes his eyes as if he were sleeping. I wait for him to mull over my words for a long time. Tired of sitting I also lie down and close my eyes. However, just as I'm about to sleep Edward's voice jars me from my drowsy state.

"The solution is fairly obvious then."

I turn and look at him, confused. "Not to me, is not. There's not a woman on this planet that will allow her husband to have a friendship with another woman. No matter how understanding a woman she is."

"She'll understand if said wife happens to be the friend too."

I frown.

"I'm sorry. I don't think I understand."

"Well, isn't obvious? You and I shall have to marry. That way my future wife can't be jealous because you'll be my wife, and we can keep coming to our meadow as often as we want."

I rise and look at him quizzically. My heart is hammering in my chest. "You can't be serious!" I yell at him, punching his arm.

He catches my hand and sits so that we are face to face. He places my hand over his chest, over his heart and says, "Why do you think I'm kidding? It's fairly obvious to me that we would make a striking pair. Moreover, we are already best friends, which is a great deal more than most couples have before they marry. I think it's an excellent solution. "

I give him a very stern look and reply without missing a beat, "You truly must be jesting, Edward. There's absolutely no way your father would consent to that!" trying to make light of the subject I add, "also, who told you I would ever want to marry you? Maybe I already have my sights set on a more interesting candidate?"

Suddenly, Edward is on top of me, my hands trapped above my head in only one of his. He's tickling me like he used to when we were children with his free hand. I can't stop myself and laugh boisterously as I kick my legs wildly, trying to get him off me. My eyes are closed and tears of laughter are falling down my cheeks.

"Edward! Stop! Please, stop!" I request between laughs.

Then he does, but when I open my eyes my whole world is shaken. His eyes, once friendly and sweet, are now heady and full with some feeling my young mind can't comprehend.

He's so close to me, his breathing as ragged as mine. There's a change in the air around us, as if it was filled with an electrical charge that crackles and zings, making us very aware of the proximity of our bodies.

"Edward," I dare whisper before the single one event that moulded the rest of my life occurs. Edward kisses me, a sweet, gentle kiss that will forever mark me, that will forever haunt me.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: These characters are the sole property of Stephenie Meyer. I am just messing around with them.
> 
> A/N Not beta'd, just saying. Just writing as an exercise and for fun…

Masen House

**A Love So Beautiful**

**Hertfordshire, England 1889.**

Edward's kiss is beyond my wildest dreams. I can't stop my body from squirming under his, my legs from wrapping around his hips. Even though I'm very well aware that if anyone were to catch us in this position my reputation would be ruined.

Edward's hand lets go of mine as it starts to caress the rest of my body. I can't hold back the moan that escapes me when his fingers lightly trace the contours of my bodice. I hold on to his shoulders, seeking a way retain what's left of my senses, when his kiss descends from my lips to my neck. The sensuous way in which his mouth tastes me, as if I'm a delectable piece of candy, makes my heart hammer inside my chest so wildly I'm afraid it might try to claw its way out of me.

"Bella," Edward whispers softly next to my ear.

"Edward," I respond in a groan as my fingers move to tangle in the fine hairs at the base of his neck. Edward's breath hitches and I realize that my skirts are almost at my waist and the only thing separating our hips are Edward's trousers and my drawers.

I'm appalled by my lack of propriety. How could I allow this kiss to turn as intense as it did?

Edward seems to notice my discomfort and stops. He lies down next to me, his breathing hard as if he had run around our meadow instead of kissing me senseless.

I lower my skirts, making sure I'm covered to my knees and then I say in a playful tone, "I never dreamt my first kiss would be as passionate as that. I think the matter of whether we would be able to tolerate each other if we were to be married has been laid to rest."

Edward laughs next to me, a rich laugh that denotes a level of happiness I find contagious. I laugh along with him until we are both panting.

I'm invaded by a feeling of sheer happiness; the likes of which I never allowed myself to think could ever be bestowed upon me.

I feel Edward's fingers thread with mine and I turn myself so that we are facing each other. Edward's eyes twinkle with the same exultant feeling that has me smiling like a fool.

We don't need to speak of our feelings—to make wild declarations of love— when they reflect themselves as clear as they do in our blissful expressions.

"I did say that us getting married was the perfect solution to our problems," Edward teases.

I sigh and close my eyes, trying to hide from Edward the sudden pain that has broken through my heart amongst our happiness. I know that in spite of Edward's words and optimism, a marriage between us is an impossibility.

"What?" Edward asks. "What is wrong, Bella? Did I hurt you? I didn't mean to put all of my weight on you. I'm sorry if I hurt you."

I want to cry when I feel Edward's hand gently caressing my cheek as if I'm something precious, delicate that he's afraid to break.

"Don't cry my Bella," he begs.

I take a deep breath before I dare speak.

"Edward, I'm so sorry for ruining this precious moment. I've been waiting for a kiss from your lips for so long; I should not be feeling this sadness that engulfs my heart. However, I know your father as well as you do. Lord Carlisle Cullen will never allow a marriage between his only son and the daughter of a titleless businessman. It doesn't matter how rich my father may be. You know full well how important titles are for him. If you want tangible proof, your sister Alice is a perfect example of your father's way of thinking. You know how in love Alice was with that American, Mr James Hunter. I still remember how they seemed to lose in each other's gazes every time they encountered the other at a ball. Yet, and in spite of Mr Hunter's many requests, your father made Alice marry Lord Whitlock-Hale. I could never erase from my mind the heartbroken expression in Alice's face when she was walking down that aisle towards a man she didn't love."

Edward continues to caress my face lightly, but I can see the doubt creeping into his heart. I'm sure he must have thought he would be allowed to choose his own wife, granted she was a respectable woman, due to the fact that he's Lord Cullen's only son. We both know better though. Mr Hunter was of a very respectable family with almost limitless resources. But whose proposal won out in the end? Lord Whitlock-Hale's. Simply because he's set to inherit an Earldom.

"We'll find a way," he states firmly after a few quiet moments. Almost as if he's trying to convince himself that we will indeed find a way to be together.

"I wish—" I start but I'm interrupted by Edward's finger as he places it atop my lips.

"Don't say it, Bella. Don't say that you'd wish things were different, because I don't. You're perfect as you are and I guarantee you that we will find a way."

I nod, despite the fact that I don't believe for an instant that it will be as simple as that.

Edward hugs me close to his body and places a kiss on my forehead. I bask in his embrace as I listen to the rustling of leaves and the humming of bees.

I allow sleep to overtake me in the peace of our meadow and dream of a world in which Edward and I can be together forever.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: These characters are the sole property of Stephenie Meyer. I am just messing around with them.
> 
> A/N Not beta'd just saying. Just writing as an exercise and for fun…

**A Love So Beautiful**

**Hertfordshire, England 1889.**

"Where have you been, Bella?" My mother scolds me as soon as I enter my room. We have been staying at Masen house–residence of the Cullen family for generations— for the last few weeks and her rooms are directly across from mine.

I was so happy with Edward in our meadow, so thoroughly blissed, that I didn't realize how late it had gotten until the first orange lights announcing twilight started to paint the horizon.

"I'm so sorry mother. Edward and I went for a walk and we lost track of time. I didn't mean to worry you."

My mother sighs, a heavy conflicted sigh. I can tell that something in what I've said has cast a shadow of concern over her heart.

"My darling, Bella. My sweet innocent daughter," she says walking towards me and placing both of her hands at each side of my face. She fixes her gaze on mine, making sure I'm looking at her before she continues, "nothing good will come of your infatuation with that boy."

I startle and take her hands away from my face. Am I that transparent? Does everyone know how I feel about Edward?

I try to brush the matter aside by making light of what my mother has said.

"Don't be silly, mother. I have no other feelings towards Edward besides those of friendship."

"Bella, sweet girl, don't try to lie to your own mother. You can try to fool everyone, even yourself, but not your mother. I very well know that you've been infatuated with that boy since you were a small child. However, what was an innocent crush when you were twelve can be damming at your age. Don't think I'm too old to remember what it was like to be young and in love. That boy feels the same way you feel and it's just a matter of time before either of you pushes a boundary that shouldn't be pushed."

I shudder as I recall how close Edward and I came today at pushing one of those boundaries. In the midst of our need to touch the other we completely disregarded propriety or good sense.

In spite of that fact, I feel defensive when my mother so blatantly states a truth I believed I had managed to hide so far.

"I don't know what your meaning is," I avow stubbornly, trying to diffuse my mother's confidence in her observations of my feelings for Edward. Denial seems like my only line of defence at the moment.

"Bella, please don't insult me by denying something as obvious as your feelings for that boy."

My mother comes near me again and takes my hands in hers. "I love you my darling. You're our precious daughter. No one will love you like your father and I do. So please trust me, trust us with your sorrows."

"Oh, momma!" I finally relent and hug my mother as I sob. It feels as if a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I have not admitted a thing yet.

"Shush… my sweet. Everything will be fine."

I allow myself to cry a while more, letting out the doubts and fears that are plaguing my heart before my mother and I take a seat. Her arms are wrapped around me, her hand lightly patting my shoulder in comfort as I confess my secrets against her neck.

"I love him, momma. And I know… I just know that Lord Cullen will never permit a marriage between us. You know what he forced Alice to do. She hates her husband. I can see it in her eyes every time he is in a room with her. She misses Mr Hunter so much. I've heard her cry at night every time we stay at Masen house and her husband is not with her."

"Bella, I must confess something to you."

"What?" I ask, scared that her admission might shatter my fragile heart further.

"The purpose of our visit has much to do with this situation between you and Edward. I asked your father to negotiate a marriage contract between you and Edward with Lord Cullen. The contract is to be fulfilled when you and Edward decide to marry so don't be scared about us forcing you into a marriage at such young age. I just had to do something to make your dreams come true once I realised your feelings for that boy were true."

"Momma!" I exclaim in sheer joy as I hug her tighter to me. "I'm so happy, momma! So happy! When will the announcement be made? Will it be made in the dance tomorrow night?"

My mother laughs, her sweet laughter that has always brought calm into my soul.

"I don't know darling. Your father wasn't very happy with arranging a marriage for his sixteen year old daughter. But I made sure to impart the urgency of the matter. If Lord Cullen is bound by honour to allow a marriage between you and Edward, he'll have no excuse to back down in the future. I know for a fact that Lord Cullen's finances are not in their best condition, so he'll be more agreeable towards a marriage between his son and an heiress such as you."

I straighten so that I can stare directly into my mother's eyes. I need her to see the immense gratitude I'm feeling. My words are not enough to express the joy her words have brought me.

"Momma, I love you. I'm the luckiest girl in the world to have the parents I have. This is the greatest gift you could have ever given me. I'll never forget this day."

"Oh, don't say that! You'll make me cry!" My mother says in a teasing tone, but I see the truth of her statement in her glassy eyes.

We hug each other for a while, basking in this happy moment.

"Momma, if you had this plan in motion already. Why did you scold me about the time I spent with Edward today?"

I can hear my mother's laughter rumbling inside her chest. "I had to get you to admit your feelings openly somehow. Besides, friend or fiancé, he's still a boy and I remember how boys that age think. I'm not about to let you spend hours at a time with him."

I smile softly as I tighten my arms around my mother.

I'm the luckiest girl in the world. All of my dreams are about to come true.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: These characters are the sole property of Stephenie Meyer. I am just messing around with them.
> 
> A/N I don't have a pre-reader or a Beta or anything of the sort. All mistakes are mine and mine alone.

**A Love So Beautiful**

**Hertfordshire, England 1889.**

There's not a thing that can erase the happy smile in my face today. The words of my mother the night before have filled me with a sense of hope I scarcely dare entertain previously.

I walk slowly, trying not to make a noise. Even though after tonight Edward and I may be engaged I can't risk being compromised by being caught visiting him in his rooms. It's early, but I'm well aware that many servants start their duties as soon as the sun rises over the horizon.

I quietly open Edward's chamber door. I sigh in relief when I notice there's no sign of his valet. From his usual routine I know I have an hour before his valet arrives with Edward's breakfast.

I tiptoe and open the last door separating me from Edward. I find him sleeping soundly. His hair is in a complete state of disarray, pointing in all different directions. His mouth is slightly open, his breathing calm, and his eyelids are fluttering softly. Sleeping as he is, Edward looks like the young child I met almost ten years ago. The young boy with sticky hands that thought frogs would make excellent pets, and was reluctant to befriend a girl with frilly dresses such as me.

I smile at the memory but I'm immediately alarmed by a noise coming from Edward's bed. At first I think I've woken him but then I realise he's still fast asleep. I sigh in relief and walk towards his bed. I sit by his side and gently brush some of his hair away, keeping it from obscuring his closed eyes from me.

"Looking at someone whilst said someone is sleeping could be considered disturbing by some people," Edward's gruff voice shocks me.

"You're awake," I whisper as his hand wraps around the fingers I was caressing him with.

He brings my fingers to his mouth and kisses my knuckles softly. Then, he opens his eyes, those green soulful eyes that have me bewitched, and says, "I was dreaming of you. Of our kiss. I couldn't stop thinking about it and I wish for a repeat."

Before I have time to even ponder on the romantic confession, his arm wraps itself around my waist and in a swift movement Edward moves my body to lie atop his.

We are breathing hard. His mouth is slightly parted as if he wants to add something to his previous statement but instead he kisses me. His lips move sensuously over mine, delicately exploring the contours of my lips, before I feel him trying to deepen the kiss further.

Before yesterday, I've never kissed anyone on the lips. I've never felt this passion, this consuming desire I feel every time my lips come into contact with Edward's. I should be dismayed with my unseemly behaviour, but I'm not. Something deep in my soul tells me this is right, that no matter what society deems as correct conduct for a lady of my class, I should be kissing Edward as I'm kissing him.

Edward moves to sit himself against his pillows and in the process moves me in such a way that I'm left straddling his hips while I hold onto his shoulders. We're ravenous in our study of the other's mouth. I can't stop the whimper that escapes me when I feel Edward's tongue caressing mine. This is by far the most intimate kiss we have shared, the most incendiary one.

Edward is shirtless and only wearing one of those pyjamas that have become increasingly popular among men. The feel of his skin, in direct contact with my hands drives me wild. I have never seen Edward in such state of undress, not even when we were small children. Without my permission my hands start an exploration of Edward's body.

Gradually, my hands descend from Edward's shoulder to caress his chest, covered in fine and soft hair. I'm mesmerized by my discoveries of the male form. Before this day I didn't know a man could grow hair in so many places. It thrills me to the core when Edward gasps loudly into my mouth as soon as my hands get near the ties of his pyjamas. I know the basics of what happens between a man and a woman once they are married. I made Alice confess the more sordid details—the ones my mother would never share with me, not even before my wedding night— as soon as she returned from her honeymoon.

I know that right under those pyjamas there's a part of Edward that in our wedding night will enter me and bind me to his body; the same way my soul is bound to his. Alice described the whole ordeal as something to be endured, something painful and remarkably uncomfortable. However, I can't believe that anything that follows this amount of passion can be anything but wonderful.

I believe that if Alice loved her husband as much as I love Edward she would find the experience as beguiling as I find it.

"Bella," Edward hisses when one of my fingers gets under the waist of his pyjamas. "Please stop before I do something I'll regret later."

I halt my explorations and place my hands in a _safe place_ by returning them to Edward's shoulders.

"I'm sorry," I whisper against Edward's neck. He's hugging me tightly to him and I relax against his body while I listen to his racing heart.

"No apologies, Bella. I would love nothing more than being allowed to explore your body at my leisure and allowing you the same courtesy." Edward chuckles, "However, if we were to unleash our desires freely we might find each other standing before an altar much sooner than either of us is prepared."

I nod against Edward's neck and sigh before lifting my head to face him.

"Sometimes, I feel like this is a dream," I confess, as my fingers trace the lines of Edward's face. "I feel as if I'm going to wake up and you won't feel the same about me. It seems too good to be true."

Edward kisses the tip of my nose and says, "I know what you mean."

We stay like that, relishing in each other's embrace until I'm reminded of the reason of my visit.

"Edward!" I exclaim, breaking the silence that we had been sharing.

"What is it my Bella?" he questions as he brushes some bangs away from my face.

I love it when he calls me _my Bella_. I quickly recover from his charms so I can share the news I have for him. My new hope, our new hope.

"My mother said to me last night that the true reason behind our visit is not exactly attending your mother's annual ball tonight. Apparently, she has known for a while of my feelings for you and asked my father to negotiate a marriage contract between us. My mother believes that if your father agrees now, while we are still so young, he'll have no excuse to force you to marry another down the line." I leave out the information about the Cullen finances being in bad shape. I don't know if Edward knows of their state and I don't want to worry him unduly.

"Are you sure? What has my father said?" I can see the joy lurking behind Edward's eyes, but I can also see that he's hesitant to surrender to it. Like me, he cannot believe our situation could be resolved so easily.

I nod with vehemence and smile broadly.

"I don't know the status of the negotiations but my mother is very optimistic."

Edward sighs and kisses my mouth lightly. "I hope for both our sakes that your father is a masterful negotiator. My father is not an easy man to sway."

I wrap my arms around Edward's neck as I feel a twinge twist my heart. I won't let doubt hurt me. Hope is all I have.

**-x-X-x-**

After I surreptitiously escape Edward's bedroom before his valet's arrival, I walk towards my own rooms with renewed confidence. Charles Swan has made himself a fortune out of nothing, so I have to trust in my father's tenacity and charm. If anyone can convince Lord Cullen that man is my father.

I enter my anteroom where a maid is already serving breakfast. She looks at me quizzically, as if she was expecting me to walk in from the door that leads to my bedroom not the one that leads to the hall.

I smile sheepishly and simply state that I went for a walk. She doesn't seem to question me further for which I'm thankful. I know that if my governess had accompanied us to this trip I would not have been able to escape this morning.

Thankful that Mrs Cope is in London and not here I take a seat next to a window and sip from my tea while the maid finishes setting the table.

When I hear the door being opened I almost jump in excitement expecting to see my mother—who usually has all of her meals with me.

I frown in confusion when instead of my mother's sandy-blond hair and delicate features I'm met with Lady Victoria Whitlock-Hale's wild red hair and curvaceous figure. She's Alice's husband younger sister and a year older than Edward and me. At first I used to be loath of being in her presence, and I must confess that at times I still find her somewhat annoying. Nevertheless, in my current elated state I smile broadly and greet her as the friends we sometimes pretend to be.

"Oh, Bella!" she cries euphorically. I can tell she has some happy news to share, but knowing Victoria like I do it may be something as simple as she finding the perfect ribbon to wear at the party tonight.

"What is the matter, Victoria?" I ask politely as I invite her to take a seat in front of mine.

She grasps my hands in hers as if we were the best confidants and continues, "My father has just given me the best news and I had to share them with a friend. I just could not wait until the announcement is made tonight. "

My eyes widen in surprise, on one side Victoria considers me a good enough friend to share her happy news with me, and in the other she mentioned an announcement to be made in the party tonight. Worry suddenly clouds my senses and I hear the rest of her story as if from a faraway cloud.

"My father has been in talks for months to arrange a marriage for me. You know how much he loves me so when I told him who I would marry if I had a choice he went ahead and made the necessary arrangements. It wasn't easy but since whoever marries me is set to inherit a viscountship, my father was able to secure the contract."

I gulp and I can feel my heart shattering in anticipation. There's only one person who would give such importance to the title Victoria can provide to her future husband, and only one person Victoria has seemed to be obsessed with for the last few years. I can't even breathe as I wait for Victoria to end her announcement.

"I'm engaged to Edward!" Victoria almost screeches in glee. "He doesn't know yet. I suppose his father is telling him of the contract as we speak. But I am so happy, I just had to share the news with someone, and since you are Edward's and my friend I thought: who better to share this news with?"

I move my head as if nodding, but honestly I can't feel the rest of my body anymore. I could be jerking my head awkwardly and I would not be able to discern the difference. No, I tell myself. It can't be. My father was in talks with Lord Cullen too. This can't be real.

When I hear the door open a second time, I turn to see who my latest visitor is. My heart stops when I see my mother's distraught expression, and when her eyes go from my face to my hands joined with Victoria's I know the truth.

I stop breathing, I stop moving, and everything stops in that one second for me.

My world and all my hopes and dreams are blown to smithereens. How will I go on living when there's no heart beating inside me? How will I continue when all I wish for now is the merciful release of death? How can I keep on hoping when there is no hope to be had? How?


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: These characters are the sole property of Stephenie Meyer. I am just messing around with them.
> 
> A/N I don't have a pre-reader or a Beta or anything of the sort. All mistakes are mine and mine alone.

  


**A Love So Beautiful**

**Hertfordshire, England 1889.**

There's a weeping willow outside my window. As a small child, whenever I visited Masen House, I would sit by the window. I would allow the sounds of the weeping willow swaying with the wind to lull me into peaceful place only books had taken me before.

The weeping willow was my companion many afternoons when I was feeling lonely, or sad, or melancholic. As I sit here, before that old window, it's the first time I find no comfort in the soft music the willow branches make.

I'm numb, there's no feeling left in me but a choking sensation of desolation. I feel as if I'm drowning, below a wall of water that pushes me under. The harder I kick and fight to reach the surface the further I sink.

After making her announcement my mother invented an excuse to send Victoria away. I did not hear what my mother said to Victoria, but I'm thankful for her intervention. The instant Victoria left, unwanted tears sprang from my eyes. They have not stopped falling ever since.

"Sweetheart," my mother croons from somewhere near me. I know she's there, expectant, watchful of my emotional state. I'm frozen though— petrified by my own despair— that I can't focus on her long enough to utter a reply.

I feel her wrapping me in her arms at the same time I feel my consciousness being engulfed by a deep darkness.

**-x-X-x-**

"I think it's best if we leave. I can't be held accountable for my reaction the next time I encounter Lord Cullen."

"Hush, Charles! We don't want to wake her. She needs to rest. I'm so worried about her. I still remember how intense my reactions were when I was her age. I can't imagine the pain she's feeling over this most unsettling news."

I slowly feel my mind coming into focus. The blurred edges of my consciousness being released from the fog that had clouded it.

I can hear my parents arguing in hushed voices. For a moment I lay confused. My thoughts are scrambled and I can't remember why I'm lying in bed when I can see sunshine filtering through the curtains.

Then, in a deluge, all the painful memories return, flooding me with an intense sense of anguish. I feel as if my pain is choking me, squeezing my chest with a heavy weight I can't seem to lift off me.

"She's awake," I hear my mother's voice say.

"How are you my darling?" My father asks. He's standing next to my mother wearing a mask of calmness. I remember what I heard before I was fully awake and know it's all an act for my benefit.

I don't reply. There's no answer I can give. Not one that will ease the worry from him at least.

"Sweetheart, your father has instructed the servants that they should pack our belongings. We think it's best if we leave before…" my mother trails.

She doesn't need to say what is the "before" that we should avoid. I don't want to think about the implications of said "before." "Before" is all I have, because "afterwards" is filled with nothingness for me.

"No," I say in a whisper. My voice is hoarse and foreign to me. Empty.

"Bella, sweetheart, we need to leave. It may create some talk but the situation would only be further complicated if you faint in front of all the guests. You're not feeling well and it's no use to stay. It will only make things more painful," my mother urges me in a soothing but strained voice.

"No," I repeat in a stronger voice. "I need to talk to him. There has to be a way. I need—"

"There's nothing more that can be done," my father interrupts. "I've offered Lord Cullen a fortune. A dowry so large, only a king would dream of ever giving his daughter. Lord Cullen has refused vehemently. He prefers the standard dowry Lord Whitlock-Hale can provide along with a viscountship. No amount of money will entice him to change his mind about the subject."

I feel as If I'm breaking at my father's frank but hurtful words. I still have to fight though. There's something in me that doesn't let me renounce my dreams without trying every avenue, every possible solution.

"Father, if Edward were to relinquish everything and marry me. Would you aid us? Would you help us?"

My father looks at me, solemn and impassive, a true fortress in the midst of my stormy feelings. He simply nods.

"We would have to leave England and return to America. No one would accept you after the scandal of Edward and Lady Victoria's broken engagement surfaces. You'd be scorned by society, my child. Edward would be considered honourless and his family humiliated," my mother observes, sharing an apprehensive look with my father.

"I don't care," I state firmly. "If I have you and poppa on my side I don't need anyone else."

I try to rise from bed, but I feel lightheaded. My mother helps me sit against the pillows.

"Rest, my child. We'll bring Edward to you."

I sigh as in relief but there's no relief for me until I see Edward. Until I can convince him to leave everything behind, for me, for us. It's the only solution I can think of.

**-x-X-x-**

The next time I open my eyes I can't help the smile that forms at the corners of my mouth. I'm greeted by green eyes. The same green eyes I want to see when I take my last breath sometime in the future, after a lifetime together.

"Edward," I whisper as I caress his face. His cheek is rough with his morning stubble. He has not shaved and his eyes are bloodshot. He knows of the engagement. I can see it in is lifeless expression.

He kisses my lips lightly and I can savour the salt of the tears he won't allow himself to cry in front of me.

"You father said you needed to discuss something with me," he says as he takes one of my hands in his and rubs lazy circles with his thumb over the back of it. He's staring at my hand fixedly, refusing to meet my eyes.

He seems lost and so, so small. He seems defeated, resigned. I won't allow it.

"Look at me, Edward!" I demand in the firmest voice I've mustered ever since this whole debacle started.

He looks at me hesitantly, disoriented, as if I've shaken him from some dark corner of his mind in which he was hiding.

"Don't yield to your father's desires! Don't surrender your life to his wishes, to his way of thinking! Don't make the same mistake Alice made." I'm almost crying now. I can't allow him to think he's without options. We have one option left.

He doesn't reply. He just looks at me as if his heart is breaking inside his chest. I know him well enough to recognize he can't see any light at the end of this tunnel.

"Listen to me," I beseech him. "I've spoken to my father. He says that if you're willing to marry me immediately we can still be together. He will support us. He will help us even if your family rejects us. We can go to America. I'll show you my old house in New York. We can spend our summers in my aunt's house in Martha's Vineyard. We can ride horses on the beach. You can teach me to ride with both legs on each side of the horse, on a normal saddle, like you always wanted. No one would judge us there. No one would point their fingers at us. Money rules in America, not nobility titles like here. Whoever has the most money is the one that's most respected. We'll be so happy." I finish in a trembling voice. I'm so vulnerable right now. I've shown all my cards and now I'm waiting for _The Fates_ to show theirs. This is a hand I cannot lose.

Edward rises and walks towards the same window, the same window facing the weeping willow I was staring at this morning.

Long moments pass. My heart is beating so fast inside my chest I feel as if it wants to run away from me. Finally, after what seems like an eternity Edward speaks.

"I can't," he whispers in a soft voice.

"I don't understand," I say, my voice unsteady.

"My family would be ruined. No one would respect my father. My sister would be reviled and considered person non-grata at every society ball. They would all be humiliated and have to spend the rest of their lives in seclusion. I can't do that to all of them. I can't break my mother's heart that way."

"No!" I cry out as I rise from bed and walk towards where Edward is standing. I wrap my arms tightly, with all my strength, around Edward's waist. I can feel him breathing harshly. I can hear his heart beating at full speed.

"I won't let you…I won't tolerate it. You won't be a martyr of your father's ambitions!" I say as small tears of anguish fall from my eyes unbidden, staining Edward's shirt.

Edward's chest rumbles with a restrained sob. He unwraps my arms from his waist and turns to face me.

For an instant I believe I have convinced him. I believe I have broken through whatever spell, whatever words his father has put in his mind to make him forget his heart's commitment to mine. However, when he releases both of my arms and walks towards the door I know I've lost.

He stands, his back to me, for a long time. He turns the doorknob and starts to open the door without another word.

Gloom like I've never felt before grips at me and I say as loud as I can manage in my weakened state, "I don't know who you are anymore, but you're not my Edward. My Edward would have fought for us until his last breath."

"Maybe you never knew me," he whispers before he leaves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dude, I'm emo now… Ever had a bad breakup like that? A breakup that leaves you wondering if that other person really loved you enough to fight for you?
> 
> Er… I did mention this would have angst, right? Who is hating on Carlisle right now? Raise your hands!
> 
> *hides under a rock*


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: These characters are the sole property of Stephenie Meyer. I am just messing around with them.
> 
> A/N I don't have a pre-reader or a Beta or anything of the sort. All mistakes are mine and mine alone.

**A Love So Beautiful**

**Hertfordshire, England 1889.**

I stay in bed while I feel people moving around me, my mother giving orders in a clipped tone. For the usually soft-spoken and polite Renee, this is not normal behaviour.

It all seems a blur to me. I have no strength left. So I stare out the window across my bed and let my own despair consume me.

Edward's words haunt me.

_Maybe you never knew me._

Maybe I don't know him. All the time we spent together when we were small children does not compensate for the time we have been apart ever since he started on Eton.

Those days we spent together had been careless, happy times riding horses, fishing by a pond or reading in our meadow. Until yesterday, I never suspected my feelings for Edward could ever be requited. Maybe I have been mistaken. Maybe I assumed too much from Edward's kisses and words. Maybe he never felt as strongly about me as I felt about him. He never even mentioned the word love.

It would explain why at the first obstacle he decided to give up without a fight. I am not sure which idea hurts most, the idea that he might not love me enough or the idea that he does love me but is not brave enough to confront his father. In both cases Edward is not willing to fight, and I'm too broken to fight alone.

"Sweetheart," my mother whispers next to my ear. I turn to look at her and see a worried expression marring her lovely features. I want to reassure her, tell her I'll feel better in time. I can't. I don't know if I'll ever feel better.

"Bella, my sweet child, everything is ready for our departure. However, there's a visitor outside that insists in speaking with you before we leave. I told her that I would ask you if you were in any condition to receive her. Are you well enough to meet her?"

"Who is it?" I ask. If it's Victoria again, coming to gloat about her triumph, I'm not sure I'll be able to restrain myself from attacking her.

"It's Lady Alice, sweetheart. She wishes to speak with you."

I nod, giving my mother a silent permission to let Alice into my room.

**-x-X-x-**

"Oh, Bella," Alice says in broken voice. She looks as bad as I'm feeling.

I just stare as she sits herself next to me in bed. She gathers me in her arms as if I was a small child and moves my matted hair away from my face.

"Edward just informed me about this horrible situation. I feel as if history is repeating itself. My family is doomed to loveless marriages it seems.

"I advised Edward time and time again to fully disclose the extent of his feelings towards you before father started to work on his schemes. I always knew father had great hopes that Edward would marry for a title as I did. It's just that there are so few ladies with titles as part of their dowry that I hoped father would be unsuccessful in Edward's case. I was regrettably mistaken."

"I gave Edward a choice," I murmur.

"What? I'm sorry I didn't hear you, Bella."

I sit up straight in bed and face Alice before I repeat myself.

"I said that I gave Edward a choice. My father is willing to support us fully. The only condition would be to marry immediately to avoid being the talk of the gossipmongers. Also, we would have to leave England to avoid the scorn of the peerage. I tried to explain, Alice; I tried to tell him that we would be okay, that we would be happy in New York. He argued that it would destroy your family, break your mother's heart."

Alice looks at me as if I've just stabbed her in the chest with a dagger.

"My father," she says in a voice that's full of barely contained rage. "He's the cruellest creature I've ever met. I can't understand how a man such as he could have sired a lovely boy like Edward."

My eyes widen at Alice's words. If there was a Cullen that always seemed blindly obedient to Lord Carlisle to me that was Alice. If her father gave her a command she always carried it out with not even the smallest argument. Edward was a hellion in comparison to Alice in my opinion. Where has that statement come from?

Alice rises from my bed and walks in circles around my room. I can see she is wringing her hands nervously. She looks wild, like a caged animal in a menagerie.

Then as if coming to a decision she stops.

"I'm going to speak with Edward. I have to fix whatever damage my father has caused. I can't sit idly while my father plays the part of puppeteer in Edward's life like he did in mine."

"Alice, I want to go with you," I declare as I stand. "I feel as if there were a lot of unsaid words between Edward and me. We were both in shock and I was very distraught when we last spoke. If he's not going to change his decision then I need to speak my mind one last time."

"Are you certain, Bella?" Alice questions. "Like you just stated Edward may prove more stubborn and gullible than either of us thought him to be. My father is a cunning man. I have no doubts that whatever arguments he used to convince Edward to agree to the arrangement were extremely convincing."

"I need to do this for myself, Alice. Wouldn't you have wished for a chance to say goodbye to James? To express every single word you had in your heart for him before you were so cruelly separated by your father?"

I see a flash of hurt cross Alice's face and I feel guilty for mentioning such sore subject. But I need her to understand the importance of a reunion between Edward and me.

I notice Alice wiping a couple of traitorous tears from her face before she returns her attention to me.

"Since it's almost nightfall you will not leave the county tonight, only Masen House. I heard your mother and your father talking while I was waiting to be received. They decided to spend the night at Lady Beachcombe's manor. She's very fond of your parents, as you know, so they agreed that is the most sensible choice for the time being. Lady Beachcombe's manor is only a few minutes ride from here. This evening, before the ball I'll invent an excuse to go to you and take Edward with me. Make sure to stay in the blue room. I've stayed a few times in that house, when father and mother were away, and the blue room is easily accessible from the gardens. It was how James and I met for a while," Alice finishes relaying her plan with a longing sigh that I'm sure is reserved to the memory of her lost love.

"Thank you, Alice," I say hugging my friend. "I'll never be able to repay you for your kindness."

"No need for any thanks," Alice says, returning my hug. "Only thank me if I'm able to persuade my brother that one Cullen in a loveless marriage is more than enough."

I hope with all my heart that the next time I meet Edward it's not to say a last goodbye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I updated so late today :( I had to do some thesis stuff…the boring kind, and I was out most of the day.
> 
> Next up, Edward and Bella have a little chat. It could be their last for a while…js.
> 
> Thanks so much for reading my little story *hugs*


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: These characters are the sole property of Stephenie Meyer. I am just messing around with them.
> 
> A/N I don't have a pre-reader or a Beta or anything of the sort. All mistakes are mine and mine alone.

**A Love So Beautiful**

**Hertfordshire, England 1889.**

When I was but a girl, momma used to read me storybooks before I went to bed. We would sit in front of the fire and she would read me books filled with dashing princes and beautiful princesses.

I used to imagine that one day Edward would be my prince. That he would come to my rescue while I was being held in a high tower and take me away to live with him in his castle.

As a small child those romantic adventures seemed like the most fantastic experience I could ever wish for. To have dragons and battles to fight before you could be with the one you loved, your prince. It seemed like such an enchanting dream in my innocent child's mind. Now faced with real life dragons that threatened to keep my prince from me I did not deem the fairy tale as marvellous as I once had.

I am restless, counting the minutes until Alice appears through the window with my prince. Alice, my unexpected fairy godmother. She had been so kind in her offerings to assist me. I know part of the reason lies in her own tumultuous history with love. If she didn't get her fairy tale ending she wants to help Edward and I get ours.

Suddenly, a soft knocking in my window takes me away from my troubled thoughts.

"Edward," I gasp as if I've just been handed a pardon mere seconds before being escorted to the gallows. I know is not wise to have high hopes in this reunion but I can't help my heart from lurching inside my chest.

I open the window slowly, fearing what awaits me on the other side.

Alice is standing there, wearing a dark cloak that aids the soft dusk light in shielding her from prying eyes. Behind her, Edward stands, wearing a bewildered expression, as if he was seeing a ghost.

"You tricked me!" I hear him hiss in Alice's ears.

"I was doing you a favour," she whispers as she pushes her brother inside with a force that does not match her petite size.

"My apologies, Bella," Alice addresses me as she enters my room behind Edward. "My brother was too busy emulating a mule so I had to embellish the truth a little to make him accompany me."

"Embellish?" I hear Edward protest behind me.

"Okay, I lied! Feel better, dearest brother?"

"Hardly," Edward replies as he unceremoniously plops himself into an armchair by the fire.

I feel an odd desire to laugh at the siblings' antics. While growing up I always envied Edward for having an older sister in whom he could relied on. As an only child I always wondered what it would be like to have someone with whom to share my happiness and sorrows and who would tease me the way Alice teased Edward.

"I tried to explain to him that he needed to speak to you but her refused. Thus, I invented a lost jewel to lure him to Beachcombe House. He would not be swayed to meet with you but I outwitted him." Alice smiles as she has just accomplished a great feat.

"Well now," she continues. "I'll be drinking some tea in the drawing room while you chat. I'll see if Lady Renee and Lady Beachcombe are willing to share a few cups with me."

I look at her perplexed while she speaks to me directly. "I already said all I needed to say to this obstinate boy. Now I leave him in your hands. Do your worst, he probably deserves it."

Alice turns toward the window and before she descends the balcony stairs that lead to the garden she points her finger at Edward and says, "Tell her everything or so help me…" she trails.

Edward's eyes harden at Alice's words but he nods.

**-x-X-x-**

We sit in silence for a long time and I'm almost certain Edward will not utter a single syllable before Alice returns.

As I'm giving up hope he finally decides to speak.

"Father said that if I choose to marry you he would disinherit me and cut me off from the rest of the family. He cannot refuse me the title of Earl of Masen because it's entailed but he can deny me his monetary support. I instructed that he could shove the entire family fortune up his arse because I don't give a whit about any of it."

"You did not say that!" I say, a mixture of appalled and awed at Edward's fearlessness. Lord Carlisle, Earl of Masen, is a fierce man, a true force to be reckoned with. Men all over England fear him and yet his sixteen year old son dared to disrespect him and challenge him in the process. All of it on my behalf.

"I did," Edward says with a gentle smile that doesn't ring true. "A lot of good it did," he adds in a sad tone and proceeds to avoid my eyes by looking out the window.

I go to him and lower myself on the floor beside his chair. Not an easy task given the width and volume of my skirts. I place my head gently over Edward's arms, showing him that no matter our current predicament I'm still his friend.

He looks at me and I can almost see in his eyes the words he has yet to speak aloud.

My breathing quickens under his intense scrutiny. I feel dizzy.

"Do you love me, Bella?" he asks unexpectedly, daring me to speak the words first. I almost want to deny them, to lie, minimize my feelings for him, but I choose honesty instead. Edward is after all my one true friend.

"From here to forever," I state without speaking the actual words.

Edward nods as if acknowledging my reply and looks out the window.

"I love you beyond forever," he says and my heart stops for an instant before restarting.

He lifts me from my place on the floor with ease and places me on his lap. He's hugging me to his body while I bask in the words that I so desperately sought to hear from his lips.

"I love you so intensely sometimes I feel as if my chest will burst from lack of space. My heart is full with you _my_ Bella and there's nothing I desire more in this world than to grow old with you. Nothing I want more than to love you until my last breath."

I let Edward's words wash over me like a tidal wave, cleansing me from the doubts that had plagued my mind ever since he refused to fight for us.

I shiver in Edward's embrace and I feel his hold tighten around me before he continues, "We would have been so happy," he says in a dispirited voice.

I turn in his arms and study his features. He looks as if he's looking at Paradise's doors and turning away in the opposite direction.

"My father—" Edward cuts himself off as if the words hurt as they tumble out of his mouth.

I look at him beseechingly, asking without asking that his next words are not another closed door on our future.

Edward kisses me then, softly at first, deep and unyielding the next second. He's kissing me with the tenderness of first love and the longing of love lost. It hurts me as it warms me all over. I can feel our tears mingling between our lips. Their savoury taste mixing within our caressing tongues.

After some time, the fleeting light of the sun disappears in the horizon and Edward's kisses stop with it.

I take a deep breath sensing his next words will cut me to the quick.

Edward clears his throat before he can garner the courage to continue. "My father said that if I did not care about honour or my inheritance that I should at least care about my mother."

I'm about to protest but Edward stops me by placing a finger over my lips.

"Please, I need to continue. I don't know if I'll have the strength if you make me stop now."

I stay very still as he proceeds to rip my heart out with his next words.

"My mother is very ill. She has been for a while, ever since she birthed me. Father always said that she was of a weak disposition, but I always suspected there was something more. Today when father made his announcement of the marriage arrangement, he told me of the true nature of my mother's condition. Mother, she suffers from a heart condition. That's why she stays all year long in Masen House even when father spends most of his time in London. Her condition was exacerbated by each of her pregnancies. According to my father the doctor had advised after Alice's birth that my mother should avoid having another child. But mother was so hopeful, so obstinate, she decided to try again, give my father his heir. Ever since I was born her health has been worsening with each day. My father says she could have a relapse and leave us any day now."

I am shocked by Edward's confession. Is Lady Esme that ill? She always seemed delicate to me, but I've known her as a pale, almost ghost-like woman for so long I never attributed it to an illness of some sort.

"Does Alice know?" I ask Edward while I retake my seat across from him. I need some space between our bodies if this conversation takes the turn I fear.

"I told her before we came here. She believes father is exaggerating to force me to bend to his will. I know father well enough to know he would not lie about mother's condition regardless of my lack of cooperation with his plans. If there's one person in this world my father has ever truly loved that person is my mother. He would not use her like that."

"But he's using her," I state in outrage. "He's using her condition to force you to accept his mandates! Even if he's saying the truth he's using her!"

Edward blinks as if he hadn't considered that angle of the situation, then shakes his head as if dispelling an ugly thought.

"It doesn't matter. He'll keep me away from her and sacrifice her if it saves his honour. In spite of my father's questionable behaviour I can't bring myself to fail my mother as badly as he has. If she's dying then I have to do my utmost effort to make her last days peaceful ones."

"Edward, your mother adores you. She was suffering along with Alice when your father forced her to marry Lord Jasper. Do you really think your sacrifice will bring her any happiness?"

"She doesn't need to know. I can make her believe that I love Victoria. I can make her believe it's a love match."

"To what purpose?" I demand. "She's your mother. She'll see right through your lies. And what if she lives long enough for you to truly marry Victoria? What if she lives for the next ten years? No one knows when the Lord might call upon then. Even the most renowned doctors have been known to be mistaken. Her doctor could be wrong and you would be sacrificing your happiness for naught!"

"My Bella," Edward says in a soothing voice. "If roles were reversed and it was your mother in this condition would you not do the same as I?"

Edward's question takes me by surprise. In truth I hadn't considered Edward's predicament in that light. I couldn't say that I would be reacting any different from Edward.

Tears start to choke me as I attempt to hold them at bay.

"Maybe you could wait for me?" Edward offers cautiously, fear palpable in his voice.

"What do you mean?" I ask, puzzled.

"If mother's health improves before a wedding day is set I would try to convince her to leave father and come with me to America. I would leave all behind, break the engagement and come to you. It's my last hope."

And a fleeting hope at best, I muse.

"I can't promise anything more than you can," I reply in a daze. Everything is hurting in me and I can't even infuse some sentiment into my words. "All I can hope is that you're making the right choices, and I hope with all my heart you don't hate yourself for this decision in the future."

Edward doesn't reply and I notice Alice standing near the window.

"Edward if we are leaving for the ball we need to leave now. Although, I'm hoping you're staying," Alice says as she cast us questioning looks.

"No, I'm leaving," Edward replies.

I can see confusion and pain cross Alice's features before she collects herself.

"Very well, I'll wait for you by the horses," she says and then leaves.

"She's disappointed in me," Edward says, breaking the silence. "She thinks I should send everyone to the devil and go with you to America."

"She'll overcome it in time," I whisper. My words seem so hollow.

"I hope you will too. You're the only one I never wished to harm and yet, here I am, hurting you."

I don't say anything. There's nothing I can say.

"When will you leave?" he asks.

"Tomorrow morning. My parents have purchased tickets in the nearest sailing ship. They think I need to spend some time with my aunt Leah. She lives in Martha's Vineyard. I love it there."

Edward nods and turns to leave.

"Bella," I hear him say from the other side of the window. I meet his gaze, his verdant eyes that I shall never forget for as long as I live.

"If you ever have a son, will it be too much to ask that you name him Edward? After your old childhood friend. I always wanted a son with your eyes, and your hair and my name."

I can feel the tears falling and I don't try to hold them from spilling anymore.

"No, I think Edward is a lovely name. I'll do that, if I ever have a son."

"Thank you," he whispers and then he leaves too.

I lie in bed, choking in my endless sobs as I try to think of happier times with Edward. More innocent times, in which whenever I dreamed of having a son I imagined him with tousled bronze curls and green eyes like his father.

Now, in a house not far from where I'm drowning in my tears, another woman is handed the future I dreamed of on a silver platter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, who hates Carlisle now?


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: These characters are the sole property of Stephenie Meyer. I am just messing around with them.
> 
> A/N I don't have a pre-reader or a Beta or anything of the sort. All mistakes are mine and mine alone.

  


**A Love So Beautiful**

**Hertfordshire, England 1889.**

The Hatfield Railway Station is teeming with activity. People arriving and people leaving like I am. The day is beautiful. The type of day Edward and I would have taken advantage of, by visiting the pond or walking to our meadow. I imagine Edward being too busy entertaining the many guests who will be anxious to congratulate him and his new fiancée.

Victoria is surely wearing her finest dress and her hair is most likely adorned with the precious ribbons she is so fond of collecting. She is probably smiling prettily, making the young men present envious of Edward's good fortune. They would be a pair to be envied for sure.

It's easy to torture oneself with such thoughts when all you have as companion is sorrow. As much as I try to avoid dwelling in my misfortune, my mother's silence and my father's telling scowl do nothing to distract me from my pain.

I know they mean well by giving me the time and space to recover, but I wish they would overwhelm me with words to take my mind away from what I've lost. I would even welcome the idle gossip my mother is often fond of sharing.

"Bella, it's time for us to find our compartment. The train is about to depart," my mother says as she gently guides my body towards the train. I follow like a ghost follows those he haunts, silent, grey and empty. It feels so odd to be dead to the world when it insists in pulling you back into existence.

I take the seat nearest the window while my mother discusses with my father something in quiet voices. I'm not interested enough to pay attention to what they may be discussing but I suspect it's to do with me and my melancholic state.

They never discussed Alice's visit the night before, never made inquiries about my bloodshed eyes and paleness. I believe they are entirely out of their depth and know not how to console me. I would commiserate with their predicament if not for the fact that I'm not certain how to deal with these feelings as well.

So far I've had a relatively happy life. I've been loved and spoiled by my loving parents. I've had friends and parties and horses and ribbons to spare. I was even beginning to resign myself to the idea that Edward would never return my feelings and I would be in this same situation sometime in the distant future. I had convinced myself that when the time came I would be ready. I would be supportive of Edward's choice in a wife and I would remain friends with him. I had considered every aspect of the situation and decided that I would deal with it with aplomb.

What I had not considered in all my preparations was that I would be given a taste of my dreams. I had not dared to even dream of the possibility that Edward might love me as I did him, might wish to kiss me as I wished to kiss him. To be handed all your hopes and dreams, to be given a taste of them for a single day and then life cruelly taking them away from you was the cruellest form of punishment anyone could ever suffer.

If I chose to believe in the ideas of karma some gentlemen had brought with them from their travels to India, I would be tempted to believe I was a terrible tyrant in a past life to deserve such fate.

As miles and miles spread between me and Edward, I place my hand against the cool window and hope with all the strength I have left that life has a surprise reserved for me in the future. I hope against all hope that my heart can be mended and that one day I can look back on this day and feel whole again.

Some say time and distance are the best balms for a broken heart. I dearly hope they are right.

**-x-X-x-**

**Martha's Vineyard, United States of America 1889**

"Bella!" my aunt Leah greets me with exuberant enthusiasm. My father's sister is most definitely my favourite relative and the memories of happy times spent at her house bring the first smile to my face in weeks.

"I'm so glad you decided to visit," she continues while greeting my parents without releasing her hold on me. It feels as though she knows I need all the love and support people can spare on me.

"We are glad to meet again, Leah. It has been far too long," my mother says kissing my aunt's cheek lightly.

"Far too long, sister. How are you faring?" My father says.

My aunt smiles affectionately at my father and they start discussing the latest happenings since the last time we were at the Vineyard.

Martha's Vineyard, where my aunt has chosen to reside after the death of her husband so many years ago, is one of my favourite places in the world. I've always thought Edward would visit with me one day, even in the capacity of a friend, and expected to show him my favourite beaches and hiding places.

My aunt has devoted the last few years to breeding race horses and has imbued in me her love for riding. I have yet to learn to ride on a regular saddle with both legs on each side of the horse as she does, fact over which Edward used to tease me relentlessly as he assumed that all American women knew how.

I always replied that I was mostly British if we counted the amount of time I'd spent in England compared to the amount of time I had spent in New York.

I can see myself being engulfed by the joyful atmosphere of the Vineyard, a place where people come to find solace and relaxation.

However, a wave of sadness washes over me when I see a painting above my aunt's mantel. A few years ago Edward and I had posed for a painting my aunt had ordered. I was barely thirteen and very uncomfortable with the changes my body was going through as I took on a more womanly shape. Edward was equally discontent with his new lanky figure and ever changing voice timbre. However, my aunt had insisted so forcefully that she needed a portrait of me and my 'little friend'—as she referred to Edward— that I had finally relented and convinced Edward to accompany me in my misery.

Now looking at that painting makes all the pain of what I've left behind resurface and before my parents or my aunt can utter a word I run away.

**-x-X-x-**

My aunt's residence is one of the most beautiful in the Vineyard. She takes great pride in her house and the horses she breeds and it shows in the way they thrive under her care.

One of my most beloved places to sit with a book and read is a rock overlooking the sea that's a few paces away from the main house. As a small child whenever I visited and was missing Edward dearly, I would come to this rock and pretend he could hear me from across the ocean.

As I sit in this once favoured hideaway, looking over the breaking waves, I wish he could really hear me and see the tears and pain his decision has caused me.

"Hello, Bella," I hear my aunt say as she sits herself next to me on the rock. I don't reply. I remain as silent as I've been for the last few weeks. Silence seems to be my ally in concealing most of the pain that rips at my heart every day.

"Your parents never mentioned that your little friend was the one who had caused you such sorrow. I suppose they thought it was none of my business, but now I wish they had been more forthcoming about the situation."

"I would have been here at some point no matter what either of you did or hide to protect me," I state in a dull voice.

"I know," she says and I notice a tone of regret, maybe longing in her voice as well.

After a few moments of silence my aunt speaks again.

"Did your father ever tell you why I never remarried and relocated to the Vineyard after my husband's death?"

I shake my head. I wondered a few times over the years, why a woman as beautiful as my aunt would become a recluse and never remarry when she became a widow at a very young age. However, when I was old enough to form my own conclusions I simply assumed she had loved her husband too strongly to even entertain the idea of a new man in her life.

She sighs but it's not a heavy sigh as the ones that have plagued me in recent times. It's not the heavy sigh of my mother when I don't reply or the heavy sigh of my father when I ignore him entirely. It's the sigh of a person who is remembering something fondly even as it hurts her in a way.

"I always thought I was the only one with this curse in the Swan family. My parents were a happy pair. Until the day they died, each at their own time, they were devoted to each other. Your father went to England with no intention of finding himself an English bride and yet he fell for your mother after seeing her in just one occasion. I always thought I was the only Swan unlucky in love, and yet here you sit, a reflection of myself so long ago, I almost feel fate is playing tricks with my mind."

I look at my aunt curiously and she shakes her head and laughs humourlessly.

"Oh, my sweet girl. There are so many things I've kept to myself for all these years that discussing this will be a tad complicated for me. I hope though, that after I share my story with you, you come to see me as an ally in your predicament. And if you ever need someone to talk to, who understands what you're going through, that you know I'm that person for you."

"I still don't—" I start before my aunt hushes me.

"Let me finish," she says with a kind smile. "Um, how shall I proceed? I guess the beginning is as good place to start as any, don't you agree?"

I continue to stare at her as I try to decipher what it is she wants to share with me.

"Very well. When we were younger, Charles and I, we were not as privileged as you have been so far, my darling. As you very well know your grandfather was a butcher. And although his business prospered enough to support his family and give Charles and me a sound education, we were never rich by any means.

"When I was seventeen I fell in love with a boy I've met in my father's store. He was the son of a family friend and had visited frequently in the past. However, when I saw him on my seventeen birthday it was as if I was seeing him for the first time. He courted me and even requested my hand in marriage that same year. I was beyond happy with this turn of events. Sam, my beau, he had an uncle who was nouveau riche, some gold miner of some sort. His uncle offered to finance Sam's studies and off he went to Harvard. Things were good with us for a few years and I was preparing a wedding as soon as Sam graduated."

"But your husband's name was Jacob," I offer, looking at her perplexed.

"Precisely my point, sweet girl. I was also married at twenty five, quite an old age to marry if you were engaged at seventeen," my aunt adds in a teasing tone.

"Nonetheless, a few months before the day Sam and I had set for the wedding he came to our house and unceremoniously asked for his ring back. I looked at him hurt and not understanding why he needed it back. I even thought for a moment he was replacing it with a better one since his situation had improved somewhat."

"He wasn't," I interject.

"No," my aunt says looking towards the waves as I was before she came.

"I discovered a few weeks later that he had been courting a magistrate's daughter. A very rich magistrate's daughter to whom he married not two full months after he broke my heart in my humble father's house."

I grab my aunt's hand in my mine and squeeze it gently, showing her my understanding of her sad past.

"He had his comeuppance though," my aunt smiles mischievously. "Not a whole year later your father's business flourished immensely and we became far richer than the magistrate and Sam's uncle could ever dream of.

"Sam came to visit me after a few months in our new Fifth Avenue mansion. He begged for my forgiveness and stated that he had made a horrid mistake in marrying Emily. He also promised he would get the marriage annulled and wanted my permission to call on me once he was once again unattached. By then I was over my childish dreams so I sent him away to his magistrate's daughter."

"Oh, aunt Leah!" I say miserably as I hug her tightly.

"What I meant by telling you my story was not for you to pity me. I want you to know that this too shall pass. What you had with Edward was a childish love, forged amongst games of hide and seek and innocent kisses. One day you'll find your Jacob as I did and understand love in its true nature. After my Jacob died I saw no point in setting myself for any further disappointment with another man like Sam. I was unlucky and _lucky_ in love, Bella. Like all in life pain and happiness come in waves. You too shall find happiness again."

My aunt kisses my forehead in a motherly gesture before she rises.

"Your parents are truly concerned about you. Please don't make them wait too long." And with those words she leaves me to my thoughts.

I close my eyes and let myself cry a few more tears before I rise. I look out the ocean and marvel in their chaotic beauty. I wish for my aunt to be correct in her appreciation of my love for Edward. I wish for these tears to wash away my sorrow as the waves wash away the sand on this beach.

Yet, there's something in me that is screaming that what Edward and I had was not a childhood love. It was a true love that was cut short.

I wipe away my tears and dust my skirts before I start towards the main house.

If ever there was a day for my aunt Leah to be right, I hope this was the one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, just so you know I write each chapter on the day I'm posting it and like I said before this Bella just won't STFU. Lol I swear I was aiming for 1000 words daily chappies. These last few chapters have been unexpected even for me.
> 
> Thanks for reading my little fic :)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: These characters are the sole property of Stephenie Meyer. I am just messing around with them.
> 
> A/N I don't have a pre-reader or a Beta or anything of the sort. All mistakes are mine and mine alone.
> 
> I want to give a big squishy hug to enchanted-mind who was kind enough to make me an awesome banner for my little story. It's gorgeous! She's so very talented! You can view it here: http://angedelaube.blogspot.com/2012/08/i-haz-banner.html

  


**A Love So Beautiful**

**Martha's Vineyard, United States of America 1889**

Days soon turn into weeks, weeks into months and before I know it, it is almost New Year's Eve.

My aunt is constantly insisting in including me in her social activities at the various clubs she is part of. With my parents' by my side I've attended a few functions in the last months but I can't muster the necessary enthusiasm to appease my parents' concern.

My aunt seems to be the person who understands my plight the most. She provides me with the space and time I need, never questioning my silences or the many hours I spend alone at the beachfront.

My parents are not as understanding. My mother has tried to talk to me about the subject of Edward several times over the last months.

Around a month after our departure from England I started receiving correspondence with the Cullen crest. When the first letter arrived, my parents tried to keep it from me. However, after my aunt's intervention and advice they relented and surrendered the letter in my hands. It was from Alice.

My mother did not miss my disappointed eyes when I realised the letter wasn't from Edward nor did she miss my tears when in subsequent letters Alice skidded around mentioning Edward entirely, not providing me with a single news from him. She was not privy to the true reason behind my tears but was shrewd enough to recognise it was related to the content of the letters.

One afternoon in particular mother invited me to join her in the library under the guise of wanting to share a cup of tea with me. I acquiesced in the hope that I could assuage her fears in regards of my mental and emotional state by participating in what she considered a normal activity.

After a few minutes of idle chat— in which I mostly replied with noncommittal grunts and nods— she attacked me with questions over the exact content of Alice's letters.

"Mother, you can't possibly ask me to surrender information that was given to me in confidence. What Alice writes in her letters is for my eyes only," I had said in supressed anger.

"Bella, you know precisely why I'm concerned about the content of those letters. I fear that Lady Alice may be encouraging you to hold on to hope when all your father and I want is for you to recover from that dreadful experience."

"Mother, it's none of your concern, but Alice has been regaling me with tales of her travels through Europe, news of the most recent London season, even some of her marriage woes. Not a single word about her brother has been written in any of those letters. You'll be happy to know Alice agrees with you and father and refuses to even acknowledge she has a brother!" I'd finally yelled at my mother.

Ever since that day my parents' have returned to their quiet observations of my behaviour.

**-x-X-x-**

Since no one seems too keen of discussing my growing misery and everyone seems more interested in pushing me to forget, I dedicate hours of my day to reading and writing.

One of my favoured activities as of late—besides avoiding the watchful eyes of my parents—was riding horses on the beach and writing letters. At first I had started writing replies to Alice's correspondence. In time though, the letters and the beach became the outlet of my pain.

It's December the 27th and as I sit on my desk, writing a letter that I will never send, I realise my words have become my only confidantes in the absence on my one best friend.

Sometimes I feel foolish for pinning over Edward so steadfastly when it is easy to conclude that he may be actually enjoying his new circumstances. But there is a part of me that refuses to let go of him, a part of me I've come to hate.

I allow a lonely tear to stain my face before I focus on today's letter.

**-x-X-x-**

_Dear Edward,_

_Do you often think of me? I must confess that in spite of my best efforts I can't quite make myself forget you. My parents think that I'm young and shall recover eventually from the disappointment._

_Some days like today, I feel I will, eventually. However, if past experiences can be relied upon, I may feel differently as soon as this evening._

_Do you remember that time when we were eleven? You were upset because Alice was fawning over a boy she had met in London. You confessed to me that he had stolen a kiss from Alice and she could not stop talking about it. Remember that you dared me to steal a kiss from you? Remember I did? It was an innocent, chaste kiss. I think that was the beginning for me. I will always wonder when was the beginning for you. I never had the opportunity to ask._

_Our time was cut too short._

_Your dearest friend,_

_Bella_

**-x-X-x-**

Mrs Vanderbilt's New Year's ball is almost magical. Even in my disinterested state I have to give credit to Mrs Vanderbilt for her ingenuity in designing this night. I could not stop but look at the decorations that made the Vanderbilt's residence look like a fairy tale palace and the masked dancers that glide gracefully around the hall.

It's a night for lovers and romantic tales to be spun. However, as much as I appreciate the beauty of the night I can't help but let my mind wander into the possibilities that have tormented me thus far.

Is Edward in a similar ballroom across the Atlantic dancing elegantly with Victoria wrapped in his arms? Are they smiling at each other, laughing at something the other said? Or worse, maybe they are hiding in an alcove, hidden from everyone, enjoying the benefits of their newly engaged status?

I feel tears stinging my eyes and decide that maybe it's time for me to take a stroll in the fresh night air. I slip out undetected while my parents continue their discussion with some friend I did not even bother to acknowledge enough to remember his name.

The air is chilly and I shudder at the breeze that washes from the shore. I look out at the night, admiring the beauty of the moon high up on the sky. Her loneliness and stillness reflects my current situation too perfectly.

I wonder if like me she misses the sun, her companion in her dance across the horizon. I speculate that perhaps like me, the moon sighs every night, imagining what the sun is doing at the other side of the world. Does he remember you, moon? Or is he too busy shining his light upon another luminary across the sky?

I decide to walk inside when I hear a giggles coming from the bottom of the stairs that lead to the beach. I know from past balls I have attended in London that some couples hide under the cloak of shadows to engage in clandestine trysts.

I make haste, trying to avoid an awkward encounter when I hear masculine laughter followed by a feminine one not ten paces behind me. Foolishly, I turn and meet the eyes of a gentleman I haven't encountered before. He has deep blue eyes, is not wearing a mask, and looks to be around twenty years or so. His eyes widen at the sight of me standing by the door and I blush when I notice the blonde lady wrapped in his arms.

Finally, I find my composure again and hurry inside, away from the unknown lovers.

"Where were you, Bella?" My mother scolds in a soft murmur when I re-join them.

"Having some fresh air," I reply in a meek voice, still startled by what I almost witnessed outside.

"It's December, Bella. I don't want you to catch a cold standing outside in this freezing night. Please, if you feel breathless let me know and I'll accompany you to one of Mrs Vanderbilt's private rooms."

I only nod and turn to look towards the door. Standing by it, is the gentleman I caught in a compromising situation. He's studying me with his cold, blue eyes and I feel flustered under his scrutiny. I turn and focus my gaze on my mother avoiding the man and trying to ignore the prickling sensation of being watched.

**-x-X-x-**

_Dear Edward,_

_Happy New Year! I hope this New Year finds you in good health. Did you have a lovely New Year's Eve? Can you believe we are a mere decade away from the turn of the century? If I were with you I'm sure we would be discussing the ball at your parents' house. Lady Esme is a remarkable host so I have no doubt the ball was a veritable success._

_Are you happy? Have you resigned yourself to your fate? Sometimes I feel as if I should close the door on my past with you. My aunt Leah says she has noticed a few boys interested in me at the balls we have attended to. I know I scare them away though. At each dance I make my utmost effort to appear sullen and uninterested. It's wrong of me to act in such impolite manner, but I know that I'm not prepared to give up on you yet._

_I wonder when I'll be ready. It's been months since I last saw you._

_I miss you._

_Your dearest friend,_

_Bella_

**-x-X-x-**

**Martha's Vineyard, United States of America 1890**

I hide my latest letter in the same box in which I've hidden all the past letters I've written for Edward. I may never send these letters to him, but I find a great comfort in writing them, so I do.

A soft knock on my door makes me grateful I finished writing before I was disturbed. My aunt peeks through the door and smiles at me.

"Hello, sweetheart," she greets when I invite her in.

She takes a seat near my desk and I turn in my chair to face her.

"Good morning, aunt," I reply with a soft smile of my own. As of late I've been reserving all of the smiles I have left for my family.

"How are you this morning? Rested from last night's ball? I saw you go outside for a few moments and I worried that you might not be feeling well."

I hurry to reassure my aunt, almost a reflex after months of doing the very same with my parents but she shakes her head before I utter a single word.

"No need to lie on my behalf, Bella. Like I said when you first arrived to the Vineyard I'm here to listen. You're the only one that needs to feel better. No need to reassure me with your improvements."

I sigh in relief. The kindness and understanding my aunt has given me has been one of the few things that have made the last few months bearable.

"Thank you, aunt."

"No need to thank me, dear child. I was thinking this was a lovely day for a little shopping. There are many balls in the upcoming weeks that your mother wants you to attend and you will be in need of a new wardrobe."

I look at my aunt and find comfort in her soft brown eyes like mine. The Swan eyes.

"I would love to, aunt."

My aunt smiles brilliantly and stands, "I'll meet you in the foyer then. Bring a coat. It's sunny but awfully cold. We don't want you to catch a chill."

"Of course, aunt."

**-x-X-x-**

Shopping in Edgartown is definitely an experience, especially in the company of my aunt. The Vineyard frowns upon big stores so we won't find a McCreery's (1) here, but my aunt is not deterred by this fact. She's an enthusiastic shopper, almost as much as Alice used to be whenever we raided London's shops.

I sigh at the unwelcome reminder of the life I'm trying to put behind me—albeit reluctantly.

"What is it?" my aunt asks bringing me back to the streets of the Vineyard.

"Nothing, aunt. I was just thinking about that shop you mentioned, the one on North Water street?"

"Oh, the one with the bonnets! I just mentioned to your mother that store the other day and she was looking forward to a visit. We should get her a few new bonnets, don't you agree?"

"Wholeheartedly," I reply with a grin on my face.

My aunt indicates our new destination to our driver and I can't help but feel a little excited at the prospect of losing myself in the new fashions and forgetting about the rest of the world.

My aunt descends from our coach first, and I follow her with renewed enthusiasm at the sight of the beautiful bonnets and coats on display in the shop's window.

I'm not paying attention while I walk towards the store when I stumble against someone.

"I'm so sorry. Please excuse me! I was not paying attention!" I apologize profusely as a pair of strong arms wraps itself around my waist, helping me catch my balance.

"You're most certainly excused," a soft masculine voice replies and I shiver involuntarily.

I look up and I'm met with the bluest eyes I have seen. Blue as the ocean in a bright, sunny day. I gasp in surprise when I realise I have seen those eyes before, last night at Mrs Vanderbilt's New Year's ball.

I push him away, lightly, and he releases me. I straighten and meet his curious gaze. Much like the night before, he seems to be studying me.

"I'm being remiss. Allow me to introduce myself. Peter Rothschild, at your service."

I gaze owlishly at this gentleman who dares to introduce himself to me as if we were old acquaintances.

"Oh my dear! You've met Peter!" My aunt exclaims from behind the gentleman, and I feel as if I was just lured into some sort of trap.

"Peter, dear. Meet my niece, Miss Isabella Swan," my aunt introduces me before I have time to recover.

"A pleasure, Miss Isabella," he replies gallantly bowing to me.

I find my manners and curtsey, "Mr Rothschild."

I see my aunt positively beaming at us and I know that there was nothing casual about our outing today. I was tricked into meeting this man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (1) McCreery & Co Dry Goods Store - 801 Broadway: It was one of the biggest department stores back in 19th Century New York. For more history about this store go here: http://daytoninmanhattan.blogspot.com/2011/03/1868-mccreery-co-dry-goods-store-801.html
> 
> Sorry for not posting since Friday. But I was at my sister's house with limited internet access and only had my phone—which is not exactly update friendly…lol
> 
> Also, in case anyone is wondering this is not a Peter/Bella story or even an Edward/Bella one. This is Bella's story and who she ends up with is a matter of fate and good timing :D
> 
> Let me just state I know absolutely nothing of Martha's Vineyard or England. I live in South America…lol I could make Bella move to 19th century Sao Paulo or Buenos Aires but that would not make sense so…this is between me and Google search.
> 
> I know actor Erik Odom is playing Peter and that canon Peter is supposed to be a blond BUT I'm invoking my artistic license rights and making Matt Bomer MY Peter. So yeah, whenever you need visual aid to imagine ALSB's Peter just google Matt Bomer pics. He's Edward's competition after all. In my mind you need to be seriously hot to even be in Rob's category…lol
> 
> Hope you enjoyed it and thanks for reading :)


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: These characters are the sole property of Stephenie Meyer. I am just messing around with them.
> 
> A/N I don't have a pre-reader or a Beta or anything of the sort. All mistakes are mine and mine alone.
> 
> Sorry I wasn't clear enough in the last chapter. Bella is not sending those letters to Edward. For one he hasn't sent her any letters, not even a postcard—that she knows of. On the other side, on those letters she's pretty much pouring her heart out and confessing all of her feelings. While the letters are innocent by today's standards by Victorian standards they are pretty scandalous, and if Bella were to send them and they fell in the wrong hands they could ruin Bella's reputation. Bella writes the letters and hides them in a box.

Peter Rothschild, age 19

**A Love So Beautiful**

**Martha's Vineyard, United States of America 1890**

"How could you?" I ask my aunt as I throw my bonnet violently against a chair. I know I'm acting like a spoiled brat. I know such behaviour is beneath a lady of my status and I know the servants are looking at us. But I don't care. I am so angry, livid. I can't believe that my aunt could have betrayed my trust and pushed me to meet a potential suitor. And what a potential suitor, she found me! By my aunt's own admission, Peter Rothschild is a man that is as well known for his fortune as he is for his pursuit of anything in a petticoat.

"Bella," Aunt Leah says in a conciliatory tone. "I was just introducing you to a friend of mine. He's really a sweet boy, in spite of the ugly rumours, and his mother and I have been friends since our years at finishing school. I never expected you to react so negatively to being introduced to a friend!"

"A friend? Please aunt; it is fairly obvious to me what the intentions behind that introduction were. You and mother are in cahoots! I trusted you, aunt! You were the only one I didn't need to pretend for!"

"Bella, hush. Please calm down," Aunt Leah begs as she places her hands over my trembling ones. I'm so incensed I'm shivering.

"Look at me," she pleads and I meet her gaze. Her eyes are kind, sweet, begging for my forgiveness. "Bella, I will admit that I wish for you to move forward. I wish for you to smile as you used to smile, that honest smile that disarmed us all. You are the light of this family, my child. And your glow has been so dimmed these past few months.

"However, I know from my own experience that you can't rush the matters of the heart. You'll heal when you're prepared to leave the past behind you. I did trick you—"

I try to free my hands from my aunt's hold but she holds them within her grasp.

"Bella, please let me say my piece before you react. I did trick you into meeting Peter but it was a favour. Peter's mother is worried about the company he keeps and the women he has been linked to in the past few months. Peter is only nineteen, and already has the reputation of being one of the biggest rakes in all of New York and the Islands. Mrs Rothschild noticed Peter showed an interest in you the past few times you were in his vicinity, and she hoped I could introduce you.

"I know you're not ready to be courted and I know that Peter is not looking to settle down. I agreed to Mrs Rothschild request merely because I hoped you could prove a good influence in Peter. I consider that boy family and would hate to see him squander his life like his late father did."

"Aunt, my life is in shambles. What makes you think I could help him change his ways? Do you know what I saw him doing last night? He was hiding behind Mrs Vanderbilt's stairs doing God's knows what with a blonde woman at least ten years his senior."

My aunt has the decency to blush at my revelation. She takes a seat in front of the fire and signals to the maid, who has been silently observing our argument from a corner, to have some tea brought.

I take a seat as well, feeling much calmer now that I know my aunt's intentions were not for me to form a romantic attachment with Peter.

"That must have been Mrs Denali. She has been sniffing after Peter ever since he came back to the Vineyard. It's precisely the reason why Peter's mother and I became so worried. Mrs Denali is an expert in corrupting young boys. I would not be surprised if she pursues and affair with him."

"Aunt, do you really think it's wise for me to become friends with a man who is quite clearly looking for his next mistress? Father and mother would not approve of such friendship, and to be honest I find Mr Rothschild arrogant and infuriating. He introduced himself to me without waiting for you to formally introduce us. He addressed me as if we were old acquaintances."

My aunt sighs and looks at me with hopeful eyes. "That is precisely why I think you two could help each other. Peter was different. Something happened during his last stay in New York that changed him. He used to be the sweetest, most innocent boy his age. Yet, in a matter of months he has managed to make himself a reputation to rival old Mr Rothschild's—who was a notorious rogue. I see something of your pain in him. I'm almost certain he has had his heart broken like you have and that's the reason behind his current behaviour."

"You're not sure though," I remark. "He could very well be acting on his own accord. New York is filled with unpalatable characters that could have influenced Peter negatively. And even if you're correct, what makes you think that a friendship between us would benefit either of us."

My aunt gives me that look that sometimes makes me wonder if she's one of those seers who claim they can see into the future.

"I have a feeling that you were supposed to be here at the same time as Peter. Call me superstitious, but I feel as if this was all preordained. Would you trust your old aunt and befriend a poor boy in need of a good influence?"

"Okay," I agree reluctantly with a sigh. "But if he so much as tries to steal a kiss I will slap him and will never speak to him in my life. I still think Mrs Rothschild's and your idea is utter insanity but I will oblige you in this, aunt."

"Thank you, darling," she replies enthusiastically just as the maid returns with the tea.

"I just hope I don't come to regret this decision," I mutter under my breath as my aunt proceeds to serves us tea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short one today. Had a long day and a few banner requests. Will try for a longer one tomorrow.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed it and thanks for reading :)


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: These characters are the sole property of Stephenie Meyer. I am just messing around with them.
> 
> A/N I don't have a pre-reader or a Beta or anything of the sort. All mistakes are mine and mine alone.

**A Love So Beautiful**

**Martha's Vineyard, United States of America 1890**

I look at the sails as they move across the horizon and I imagine the freedom the people on those sailboats must feel as they glide over the waves, driven only by the force of the wind. In recent months I've felt similarly adrift in the ocean of problems that threaten to sink me.

I've always loved the design of Aunt Leah's manor. Simple, warm and elegant, it is the complete opposite of the cold British castles I've become accustomed to. Of all the places in aunt Leah's home, my favourite one has to be the veranda in which I'm sitting.

The structure made of wood, glass and iron is sober and unpretentious. Yet, the way the sunrays filter through the ample glass walls that cover it make it the most luminous and warm part of the house. Even in winter—as long as the temperature cooperates as it does this morning—I've always preferred to have my breakfast served in this very place where I can observe the sea at my leisure.

It's an enchanting view I've often plastered in aquarelles using my limited talents as a painter. The results never quite lived up to the beauty of the landscape that surrounds me.

Today though, I would much prefer to abscond myself in my rooms than to face Mrs Rothschild and her son.

In a brilliant struck of genius, my aunt decided that my next meeting with Mr Rothschild should be in a neutral territory, under the supervision of responsible matrons such as her and Mrs Rothschild. I am still suspicious of my Aunt Leah's intentions but I'm willing to indulge her and befriend Mr Rothschild as long as there is no expectation of anything beyond friendship.

From our brief interaction so far, I've gathered that Mr Rothschild is a remarkably conceited gentleman. He has an air of someone who feels entitled to the very best the world can offer, and I'm sure that his looks and impressive fortune have afforded him everything he has desired in the past.

However, I feel somewhat safe to meet him, even alone. Men like Mr Rothschild don't tend to bother with virginal demoiselles such as me. They tend to prefer the widows or married women—such as Mrs Denali—who can afford to have a lover and not see their reputations ruined in the process.

I'm certain Peter Rothschild will flirt with me in some measure. Simply because it's in his nature to be the centre of every female's attention. I'm confident that in the eventuality that he oversteps his boundaries at some point I'll be able to discourage his attentions without the help of my aunt or his mother. Nonetheless, I'm grateful for the opportunity to observe his character in the presence of Aunt Leah and Mrs Rothschild so that I'm afforded the opportunity to study him as he has been studying me the last few times we have been in vicinity of each other.

I wish to determine if my aunt's intuition is correct and he has suffered a similar lost to mine, or if he's merely a spoiled child that has only recently started to show his real inclinations.

I'm taken out of my musings by the voices of my aunt Leah and our guests.

"Bella, darling. Let me introduce you to Mrs Mary Rothschild and her son Mr Peter Rothschild whom you already had the pleasure of knowing yesterday."

Mrs Rothschild shocks me by embracing me before I even have the time to reply.

"Oh, I'm sorry Miss Bella. I'm just so happy to finally meet you. I feel as if you're family already since your aunt has regaled us with stories about her niece ever since you were born. You and Peter already met when you were children. Leah, did you tell her the story of how little Bella pushed Peter into the mud when he was being a brat with her?"

I smile broadly as I see Peter Rothschild's cheeks flush slightly at the exuberant behaviour of his mother.

"Mother, I'm certain Miss Isabella is not interested in hearing about our play dates when we were naught but babes. Why don't we take a seat? If I remember correctly Mrs Black's cook is astounding and I'm quite looking forward to what she has prepared for brunch," Peter interjects as he guides his mother towards a chair.

I stifle a giggle as I prepare to take a seat before the table as well. Peter approaches me silently and pulls my chair so I can take my seat. I notice how tall he is as I watch him do the same for my aunt.

He's indeed handsome but he has an air about him that makes him look unreachable. If I had met him in London I would have probably avoided him. He seems like the sort of man my mother would steer me away from, but under these odd circumstances I'm being pushed to get better acquainted with.

"What a lovely day," my aunt comments, breaking the awkward silence that has fallen between us after Mrs Rothschild outburst. "It's not often we see the sun in the Vineyard at this time of year."

"Lovely, indeed," Peter adds looking fixedly at me.

So the games begin.

**-x-X-x-**

I'm certain Peter fancies himself a master of seduction, the king of rakes, a veritable blackguard, when in fact, after much observation I've concluded Aunt Leah is right. He's just a lost boy trying to draw attention to himself by being inappropriate and flirty.

After being exposed to true rogues in all the sense of the word during my last season in London, I can't help but notice how unpractised Peter's seduction stratagems are and how innocent he really acts.

I'm sure that he must have some experience from his time in New York but from what I can tell he's nowhere near as debauched as he wants me to think.

I may be wrong in my observations, but after hearing Aunt Leah's opinion I'm inclined to believe I'm correct.

After brunch, aunt Leah invites Peter—who is apparently a very accomplished pianist—to delight us with his skill.

I sit in a corner of the conservatory and let myself be swept away by the notes he manages to extract from the long forgotten pianoforte.

As much as I try to avoid it, I'm taken back to a music room in England where Edward would play the piano for me. He always indulged me and played my favourite songs since I never was particularly talented with the instrument.

I imagine myself splayed on the carpet, like when Edward and I were children, listening to the twinkling notes only Edward was able to coax from the Cullen's pianoforte. Edward is so musically talented that if he hadn't been the heir to an Earldom I would have guessed he would pursue a carrier in music.

Peter's skills far surpass mine, but it does not sound as Edward's playing so I'm brought back to the present as he's finishing a tune.

Aunt Leah and Mrs Rothschild applaud animatedly at Peter and I roll my eyes as I notice his smug expression at the general approval of his playing. He looks in my direction, and I see his eyes fall a little when he realises I'm not as impressed as the other ladies in the room. I've heard Edward play before; Peter is just not up to pair with Edward's talent.

I comprehend in that moment why Aunt Leah felt I could be friends with Peter and maybe help him stir away from the bad company he has kept as of late. I'm immune to his charms.

What would make a normal girl my age swoon in Peter's presence has no effect on me. I'm still too attached to my past with Edward. Peter is used to getting his way, charming his mom, my aunt Leah, every female in the vicinity into buying his lies and the mask behind which he hides. I'm not likely to fall for said charms, so my aunt feels I can be the one to bring back the old Peter she knew.

Peter appears rather sullen at the discovery of my immunity though, and I smile evilly.

He takes a seat next to mine as my aunt replaces him in front of the piano.

"Not a fan of music?" he asks, as if that's the only explanation of why I wasn't impressed by his playing.

"No, actually I'm a great fan of music, especially piano. However, I've heard better performances before," I reply, infusing a cool disinterest in my tone. _I'm not going to be one more of your admirers, Peter!_ I add in my mind.

"That's a rather impolite thing to say. I would expect a woman of your rank would be polite enough to lie," he says, wearing a smirk that I'm sure works on most girls this side of the Atlantic.

"I think you need some honesty in your life. You seem to have a grand opinion of yourself and I wouldn't want your ego to get too unmanageable."

"My ego!" He scoffs. "I do not have a big ego. I simply know when a lady is interested and when she's not. You seemed rather interested during Mrs Vanderbilt's ball."

I glare in his direction, "I would say I was more appalled than interested. It's not every day I encounter a young man cavorting in the dark shade with a married woman at least ten years older than him!"

He smiles at me and says in a low voice, "Cavorting? Interesting way to describe what Mrs Denali and I were doing, although it fails to convey the level of pleasure it brought me."

I blush. I can't avoid my cheeks from staining a pink colour when he's deliberately taunting me. I know though that this is one of the many tactics he uses to deflect or intimidate ladies. He probably thinks I'm going to be scandalized by his words and avoid him at all costs or so intrigued I may ask for a demonstration. He's mistaken on both accounts.

"I have no doubt that whatever your activities with Mrs Denali were they must have been really pleasurable to you. However, I have to wonder what a woman of Mrs Denali's age is doing toying with a boy that mustn't know anything in comparison with her previous lovers. I am no expert, but from what little I saw of the gentleman in London you're not interesting enough to risk one's marriage."

Peter laughs but I can hear a tone of anger, or maybe annoyance in the timbre of his voice when he replies, "Young men have their advantages. Like you just admitted you're no expert, but trust me when I say that what I can give Mrs Denali none of the refined men you've met can give her. She's very well aware of that fact."

"You're doing it again," I say, unaffected by his tactics.

"Doing what exactly?" he questions.

"Trying to intimidate me, to scare me. I saw you do it at Mrs Vanderbilt's ball whenever a respectable girl was introduced to you. I didn't think much of it, but now that I've had time to observe you I've realised that you use it as a defence. You engage in clandestine relationships with married women, knowing full well they can't ever hinder you or tie you down since those women are already attached.

"However, as soon as your mother introduces you to a respectable girl you try to scare her. You should not be concerned on my account. I have no interest in you in that regard, nor do I anticipate that will ever change. So you can spare me the theatrics and act as yourself."

I've stunned him. I can tell by the why he gapes at me and how his eyes grow large. I suppose that the old Bella, the one who lived in a fantasy world in England, the one who dreamt of a summer wedding to her best friend would have never spoken like I just did. There's something very liberating when you have nothing left to lose. I realise I'm not scared of being improper in Peter's presence because I don't quite care what he thinks of me.

He turns the other way and is intent in paying attention to my aunt's playing. I smile triumphantly because I know that this must be one of the first times someone has bested him on his game.

**-x-X-x-**

"How lovely of you to visit! We should do this more often!" Aunt Leah says excitedly as we are saying goodbye to our guests in the foyer.

"We would love to!" Mrs Rothschild replies with equal amounts of enthusiasm. I grin and shake my head at their conduct. Peter has been pensive ever since our exchange and I can tell they are being extraordinarily animated for his benefit.

"Don't you agree, Peter?" Mrs Rothschild questions her son trying to coax him back from whatever world inside his mind he has retired to.

"Of course," he replies automatically. I know he's not being sincere and so does his mother who loses her bright smile and turns sad. My heart breaks for the woman who is trying so hard to reach out to her lost son. I hope there was something more I could do but I don't know how to help someone else when my own heart is still broken.

Aunt Leah and Mrs Rothschild lead the way to the door as I walk behind them with a very quiet Peter.

"I don't think I've ever met someone as frightening as you, Isabella Swan," Peter suddenly says.

I look at him perplexed by his statement. _I'm frightening?_

He stops and turns to me. "You've seen through all my charades and this is only our second official meeting. I feel very transparent and vulnerable in your presence. I've come to learn in recent months that any type of vulnerability is very bad for one's own wellbeing."

I nod, because I happen to agree with him in that regard.

"What scares me the most," he continues, "is that even though every instinct in me tells me to walk through your door and never come back, there's a part of me that is already anxious for our next visit. You've opened a door and I am not ready to close it."

I blink, stunned by his confession.

He bows and takes one of my hands in his which he politely kisses. There's no spark of electricity like when Edward touched me. There are no jittery butterflies fluttering inside me, but I'm still affected, touched by his sincerity.

"Until we meet again," he says before releasing my hand and walking towards his mother.

**-x-X-x-**

_Dear Edward,_

_It's been eight months since the last time we have spoken._

_I often wonder what you're doing. I create innocent images of you playing your piano in the old music room. And then I imagine you playing for Victoria like you used to play for me._

_I know it's not healthy for me to be so attached to your memory. I know that I should let you go. However, there will always be a part of me that will care for you, no matter if we are together or apart, no matter the miles or oceans between us, no matter the time that passes._

_I'm not ready to relinquish you yet. I'm not sure I ever will. I hope you're faring better with this separation than I am. Even if that means that I've lost your heart to Victoria._

_I love you, I truly do, with all my heart, and your happiness is all I care about._

_Are you happy? I beg to the heavens that you are, because if you're feeling an ounce of the pain I'm feeling my heart would shatter even further on your account._

_Your dear friend,_

_Bella_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, what do we think of Peter now? Do you think aunt Leah is right? Is he heartbroken like Bella is? Will they be able to help each other? Do you want them to?


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: These characters are the sole property of Stephenie Meyer. I am just messing around with them.
> 
> A/N I don't have a pre-reader or a Beta or anything of the sort. All mistakes are mine and mine alone.

**This song and video made me think of Peter and Maria, if you feel like watching: http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1xrzd_him-wicked-game-uncensored-video_music**

  


**A Love So Beautiful**

**Martha's Vineyard, United States of America 1891**

The spring air feels lovely as it blows my bonnet away. I laugh as Peter jumps from his horse and runs to fetch it.

"Really, Peter! It's just some silly bonnet and not the first one I've lost riding with you!" I yell at him.

He ignores me and fetches the wayward bonnet before the waves have the opportunity to wash it away into the ocean.

"I present you your muddy bonnet," Peter says as he hands me my very dirty and sandy bonnet back.

"Well this one is ruined," I laugh, giving a perfunctory glance at the spoiled bonnet before throwing it away into the waves.

"Hey! I liked that one!" Peter protests.

"I know, I did too," I reply before I urge my horse to continue. "However, now I'll win this race!" I add before I kick my heels and speed away from him.

I laugh as I hear him swear behind me.

It has been almost a year since I was first introduced to Peter and so much has changed but stayed the same as well.

I'm still hurting. I still miss Edward, but now it's a dull pain that throbs from time to time in my chest. Not the same acute ache that I used to carry constantly.

I have my family to thank for my ability to laugh nowadays and surprisingly, Peter as well. I believe that our unusual friendship has given me some perspective about my own pain.

I guess one could say Peter and I have bonded over a shared bad luck in love.

**-x-X-x-**

**Martha's Vineyard, United States of America 1890**

_It had been a month of Peter's and Mrs Rothschild's visits before he was able to truly converse with me, and even then he seemed to be on guard._

_Finally, on an opportunity during which he have been acting particularly vexing, causing his mother to retire to another room with my aunt. I had decided to confront him._

_"Exactly, what is your motivation to be so unpleasant?" I ask as Peter walks towards the fireplace and stokes the dying embers with a poker._

_"What do you mean?" he asks trying to act as if he doesn't know what I'm referring to._

_I bristle at his attempt to dismiss me as if I were a simpleton._

_"I mean your animosity towards your mother and anyone who dares to show you any kindness. Your complete disregard for your own reputation and the way you seem determined to make everyone think the worst of you. The way you've continued to see Mrs Denali, even in spite of your mother's constant requests to stop the affair. Do I need to continue?"_

_I know it's not my place to question him or his actions but he seems to recoil whenever his mother does. Also, I'm very aware of the fact that for some reason he continues to visit my aunt's residence, even when my father openly disapproves of any type of friendship between us._

_Yes, Charles Swan is not happy with my aunt Leah for introducing me to a notorious rake._

_He turns to me with menacing eyes, the ones he uses to intimate people, push them away. I'm not going to allow him to badger me like he does his mother. I'm not willing to let anyone else badger me, like I was badgered out of Edward's life by his father._

_"Are you offering to take Mrs Denali's place?" he taunts when he's near me, much too near me._

_I gather my courage for I've seen him use this technique before. If he thinks I'm going to wither under his words he's sorely mistaken._

_"I'm offering no such thing! I'm asking why you do everything you can to hurt your mother and hurt yourself in the process? Do you think you can hide the way you wince every time your mother looks at you with hurt eyes? Do you think you can hide how you brood every time you disappear for a couple of days with that dreadful woman, Mrs Denali? You don't even like her, yet you amuse her only because it suits your purpose to destroy everything that you once held dear!"_

_He looks at me, stunned into silence. I realise I've just said all the right things that would hurt the most, the deepest. It's as if I grabbed the poker he's holding in his hand and twisted it inside his chest. For an instant I regret my words but then I remember Mrs Rothschild's hurt eyes and harden my stance._

_"Why do you care?" he asks in an almost childlike voice._

_"Because, I have a feeling you're suffering from the same ailment I am. Only, I have family who understands and supports me. Your mother, as lovely as she is, doesn't understand and you lash out at her. Am I correct?"_

_"What ailment are you referring to? From what your aunt Leah has said to my mother you weren't even engaged to the boy you loved. I was left at the altar by the woman I loved. I do not believe you could ever understand the pain and humiliation I've felt these past months!"_

_Now, I'm the one stunned into silence. He was engaged? Aunt Leah never mentioned a broken engagement._

_"Your mother, aunt Leah, they never knew did they? It was a secret engagement?" I ask as a new realization dawns on me._

_He turns towards the fireplace again, avoiding my gaze and says, "It was an unsuitable match. My mother would have never approved. She was an actress. Entirely unfitting to marry a man of my rank, and yet I loved her enough to offer for her hand."_

_My stomach turns at the picture of an even younger Peter, buying a ring for a woman who ultimately hurt him so deeply he feels the need to hurt all those who dare love him._

_"What happened?" I ask in in a whisper._

_"I was a fool, that's what happened!" he yells and hits his fits against the wall once. I go to him and grab his hand without regard for my own safety. I haven't seen pain like this since the last time I spoke with Edward._

_"Let go of me," Peter whimpers but I ignore him. I know deep down he won't hurt me._

_We stand in silence for a long time._

_"Her name was Maria. She was beautiful and older. I never asked her age, but she had to be at least twenty seven. I was so fascinated by her. She was sophisticated and worldly. I was only seventeen when I met her and had no defences against her wiles. She bewitched me and before I knew what was happening I was under her spell."_

_I listen to him, not trying to fill the silence with any of the platitudes my parents have fed me thus far. No words can soothe you when your heart is broken as his and mine are._

_"I bought her expensive jewellery, an apartment in one of the finest neighbourhoods in Manhattan, her own coach, everything I could afford to make her happy, everything she asked I gave it to her. I wanted to win her favour, make her look my way. I thought my money could help me gain her love; make me stand out amongst the string of admirers that always followed behind her. For a while, it seemed as my efforts were successful._

_"I proposed and she greedily accepted. After all, a woman of her age and with her reputation could do far worse than the heir of a railway fortune. We set a date and started preparations for a quick and small wedding. I never told mother because I knew she would try to convince me to balk from the engagement. A day before we were supposed to marry I went to her house. The maid didn't want to let me in at first but I was so insistent she let me pass in the end."_

_I gulp, because I can only imagine what his unannounced visit revealed for him._

_"I heard Maria giggling. Whenever I visited I always went straight to her room. We were beyond such proprieties. Her room was practically mine, or so I thought."_

_I feel him clenching his fist which it's still engulfed in my hands._

_"She was with another man, some nobody that worked in the theatre where she used to perform. She was in her chemise, sitting on his lap, feeding him the strawberries I always used to buy her because she loved them so much. He was naked. It was obvious I had intruded in the interlude of their encounter. They were celebrating. And why wouldn't they? They had this poor rich ninny buying them everything they could have ever dream of, and the next day Maria would have had unrestricted access to my accounts as my wife."_

_"Oh heavens," I whisper; only imagining the sting of such betrayal makes my heart ache. How could have Peter survived it without being forever changed? The answer is that he didn't, he was irrevocably changed by the experience._

_My aunt told me he was another person, not the boy she had grown to love as if he were her nephew. I did not quite understand the extent of the change until that moment._

_"I asked her why? Why not accept my gifts and remain as my mistress? Why accept my marriage offer? You know what she said?" he inquires finally meeting my eyes._

_I shake my head and allow him to continue. I can't begin to imagine what a woman like that could have said._

_"She said that a boy like me was only good for one thing. I was only good enough to be her bank account. I was boring in bed, inexperienced and dull she said. She admitted that she would never have paid me any attention if her lover wouldn't have mentioned I was set to inherit the Rothschild fortune."_

_I'm appalled by the bluntness and hatefulness of the woman's words. She plunged a knife through Peter's heart and twisted it until there was nothing left but unrecognisable pieces._

_He's right, compared to his, my story is almost laughable. I may be in pain but at least Edward never made me feel as if I was nothing but dirt on his shoes. He loved me until the last minute, until there was no hope for us. Peter had loved a woman, loved her still in spite of the hurt, but his love was never requited._

_"It's that why you keep seeing that woman? Mrs Denali? You're trying to prove that you can satisfy and keep the affections of a woman like Maria?" I probe._

_"Have I told you scare me, Bella?" he replies, lifting his hand with mine still wrapped around it. He kisses the back of one of my hands, in a gesture of gratefulness._

_"Why? Because I'm so incredibly witty?" I joke, trying to diffuse the tense atmosphere that has descended upon us._

_"No, because you're the only one who can read me like a book."_

**-x-X-x-**

**Martha's Vineyard, United States of America 1891**

Ever since that day Peter and I have formed some sort of alliance. He still keeps seeing Mrs Denali, but I've noticed his interest waning in time. She is the one pursuing him now, and a part of me knows that he takes perverse pleasure on that fact.

I cannot begrudge his unkindness towards Mrs Denali though, because in time my heart has hardened as his. I am not sure I will be able to spare any sympathy on Edward if we ever meet again.

At first I tried to justify his lack of communication with fear, fear of his father intercepting his letters, fear of stressing his ailing mother. However, after some time none of the excuses I'd created seemed to work anymore. I became embittered and sometimes the mere mention of Edward makes me go into a state of anger I can hardly control. It is only through my friendship with Peter that I have managed to remain true to myself and not act on any of my self-destructive inclinations.

"Aha!" I hear Peter yell from my side. He and his horse catch up easily with mine because I still refuse to let him teach me how to ride like a man. There's only so much speed I can gain side-saddle.

"Damn it!" I swear, one of the few unsavoury things I've picked up by spending time with Peter. At least unsavoury in the eyes of my father, I find it terribly hilarious.

**-x-X-x-**

**Martha's Vineyard, United States of America 1890**

_After that conversation in my aunt's library, Peter and I remained mostly silent about our pasts. One day though, Peter surprised me by asking an unexpected question while we were riding on the beach._

_"Do you still love him?"_

_I turn to look at him and for an instant I don't understand his question. But then the dull ache, my old companion, reminds me of whom Peter is referring to._

_"I think I always will," I reply simply and honestly._

_"Do you still love her?" I enquire as well._

_Peter takes a moment to mull over my question and then says, "Have you read Byron?"_

_I blink confused by the non sequitur._

_"Just a few poems," I reply._

_"I'm not very fond of him, but one of my tutors was obsessed with his work and made me read a few of his poems repeatedly. One of his favourites was a poem called 'When we Two parted.'"_

_"What does the poem say?" I ask, indulging whatever whim made him remember his tutor's love for Byron._

_"I don't remember it all, but there's a phrase that stayed with me that I find relevant for our situation."_

_I wait for a while before he recites the few lines he remembers from Byron's poem._

**_"In secret we met—_ **

**_In silence I grieve,_ **

**_That thy heart could forget,_ **

**_Thy spirit deceive._ **

**_If I should meet thee_ **

**_After long years,_ **

**_How should I greet thee?_ **

**_With silence and tears."_ **

_I make my horse stop and guide it to stand in front of Peter's horse._

_"I don't understand," I declare._

_"If you and this Edward should ever meet again, I think you and him would meet in silence and tears like Byron's poem states. You two have unfinished business. Your relationship was not only romantic like Maria's and mine was. You two were best friends from what I gathered. Even if this meeting occurs years from now, I believe there would still be some feelings between you. Maybe it won't be love, but something will still be there. What Maria and I had ran its course and ended in a horrible note. It's over though. I have no more silence and tears to spare on her."_

_I'm shocked by Peter's insightful reply. I've always known he is an intelligent man, in spite of the way he only uses his cleverness to seduce women. However, his thoughts show a level of analysis I did not expect from him. I feel hopeful that he'll be able to move on from the heartache._

_I know that you can't replace someone when for some reason he's taken from your life. I know Peter will never replace Edward. But at least in his friendship I find solace, I find a kindred spirit, even if what unites us is our pain._

**-x-X-x-**

**Martha's Vineyard, United States of America 1891**

"I win!" I shout as I climb down from my horse in front of Aunt Leah's house.

"You cheat!" Peter accuses as he stops his horse in front of me.

"I did not cheat! I told you to leave the bonnet, but you just had to be a gentleman and recover it for me," I say in a sarcastic tone.

"I don't have to be a gentleman. I am one, no trying involved," he says as he descends from his horse.

I'm about to interject something when I hear my aunt's voice calling me from the porch.

"Bella!" she calls as she descends the stairs in a hurry followed by one of her maids.

"What is the matter, Aunt Leah?" I question, curious and apprehensive as I catch sight of my aunt's expression.

"A letter, from England," she replies breathlessly.

I blink, taken aback by my aunt's frightful eyes. Alice writes regularly. Why is she so shaken by one of her letters?

"It's from Edward," she adds in a whisper, and I feel as if I've been punched in the stomach.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, time jumps…they were necessary! Probably last update till Monday. My friends are kidnapping me this weekend… So, er…cliffy, I know. Bad, bad Ange. *hides under a rock*


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: These characters are the sole property of Stephenie Meyer. I am just messing around with them.
> 
> A/N I don't have a pre-reader or a Beta or anything of the sort. All mistakes are mine and mine alone.

**A Love So Beautiful**

**Martha's Vineyard, United States of America 1891**

My hands are shaking. The envelope glares at me from my dressing table. The name of the sender flashes in my mind like lightning before a thunderstorm.

_Lord Edward Cullen_

I can hardly breathe. After my aunt informed me of whom the sender of this particular letter was, I requested to be left alone. Aunt Leah and Peter insisted in being nearby when I read the letter, probably sensing how deeply the contents could unnerve me, but I politely refused them.

A letter. A letter from Edward, after all this time.

I'm scared to read it. I'm scared of not reading it. The words in that letter can rebuild the pieces of my soul as well as shatter them completely, leaving nothing but dust behind.

How can some lines scribbled in a piece of paper hold such power over me?

With shaky breaths I walk towards the dressing table and before I allow my fear to overcome me I break the seal.

As I open the envelope, the first thing that shakes me to the core is Edward's handwriting. It's his…It's real…I'm not dreaming.

I close my eyes and feel the tears falling unbidden. I haven't cried in so long. I'd allowed my soul to retreat, numb itself from the pain.

I drop myself onto a chair, weighted by the feelings flooding me at the sight of Edward's handwriting after so long.

I reopen my eyes and read the first line.

_My Bella,_

Not Dear Bella, or even Dear Miss Swan, no. He started the letter with My Bella. His, forever his…

I gulp, there's a knot in my throat that threatens to choke me.

I continue reading as if in a daze, overwhelmed by the words, engulfed by them.

_My Bella,_

_I write to you from the depths of a hell of my own creation. How I wish I had been brave enough, brave like you are, like you always have been. I was spineless. I did not deserve you. I do not deserve you still._

A sob escapes me as I picture a grief-stricken Edward penning these heartfelt words for me.

_You're most likely wondering why I'm writing after so long. You might have moved on and I'm disturbing your new life with these words. The truth is that even though you haven't received a single letter from me, I've written every single day since we parted._

_My father, if he even deserves the title, has intercepted every letter I've written for you. With the help of my valet, a man I'd come to trust blindingly. He burned every single one of my words._

_I discovered their deceit only recently, and too late to mend the rift that my supposed silence may have created between us. Alice asked me why I had not written to you in all this time, angered with me, and that's when the veil placed before my eyes was finally lifted._

Rage fills me as I learn of the treachery of Lord Carlisle and Edward's valet. _Why?_ I want to scream. Why harm his son in such way?

_Even though you did not receive any of my letters, and even though you may no longer trust in my words, I want you to know you have been in my mind and my heart all this time._

While Edward's words are filled with sadness, his acknowledgement that I have been in his mind, and most especially his heart, lifts a weight from me I was not aware I was carrying. He did love me. I did not imagine his love for me.

_Alice tells me you seem happy in your latest correspondence, that you have stopped asking about me. She tells me she didn't dare mention me at first because you told her that I hadn't written. Then you stopped asking and she thought it best to let you be, not stir a past that could harm you._

_I assume that since you stopped asking you have been able to forget, and again I apologize for upsetting your peace with this letter. However, I selfishly needed to write to you one last time._

_I have bad news. My mother has passed. As you well know she was severely ill even before you left. Last week she finally succumbed to her ailment and left us to be with the Lord in Heaven._

A cry escapes me as I recall kind Lady Esme. So sweet and full of love for her children. The complete opposite of Lord Carlisle and his cold demeanour. If ever there was an angel on earth, Lady Esme was that angel.

_Sadly, that's not my only bad news. I held on to hope for as long as I could, but finally I surrendered to my father's pressure and a week before my mother left us I made the biggest mistake of my life, a mistake that will haunt me for as long as I live. In a small ceremony in Masen House I married Lady Victoria Whitlock-Hale._

As I read the words that I've dread all this time my heart stops beating in my chest. If I ever thought I knew what true pain was, I realise now I was mistaken.

I don't feel the rest of my body. I feel as if my soul has deserted me.

I push through the sobs that wreck my body and try to finish reading Edward's letter.

_Please don't blame my mother, my Bella. She died convinced that I was in love with Victoria. Alice and I persuaded her during her last few months that my melancholy was solely due to her deteriorating health. She never knew I was heartbroken. At least I hope she never was privy of my deceit._

_There was something in the last few words she said before she lost consciousness which haunts me._

_She said that Alice and I would be happy, that she would make sure we were happy someday. Alice is convinced momma at the very least suspected of my sacrifice, thus she referred to me being happy someday and did not speak of present time happiness. Alice is certain her words were a promise to us that she would guide us towards our happiness from heaven. I wish I had Alice's faith. It would help me greatly in these dark times._

Amidst my hurt I hope fervently that Alice is correct in her assessment of Esme's last words. However, in light of this terrible news it's hard to hold on to hope. When your heart has been broken and trampled on repeatedly, how can one make herself hope for brighter days?

_My Bella, my only hope now resides in your happiness. My only reason for living will now be my wish that you can be spared the pain that crushes me. I'm no longer the Edward I was when I last saw you. I'm a ghost of that boy you loved. But ghosts, like angels, can look after the ones they left behind. I will look after you, wish with all the strength I have left in me that one day you´ll find a man worthy of you. A man worthy of your love, like I never was._

_I release you my Bella, my light. You are no longer mine to have. Whatever hold I might have still had on your heart, please I beg you to let it go. Let it burn into ashes like the letters that never found their way into your hands._

_Be someone else's Bella, someone else's light. As long as I can admire your glow from afar I'll be able to continue. A world without the light of your smile is a world I want no part of, so please shine._

_Forever yours,_

_Your Edward_

By the time I'm done reading Edward's letter I can hardly breathe through my tears. I feel as if someone punched a hole through my chest and ripped my heart out. I crumble to the floor and cry until I have no tears left.

**-x-X-x-**

After a sleepless night I'm staring at the canopy above my head. The white, sheer fabric is clean, untainted. And I marvel at the way it sways up and down with the breeze the filters through my window.

The air is heavy, the wind icy. A storm is approaching. I can feel it vibrating in the air, much like a storm is vibrating in my blood.

I can lie still no longer. The sea is summoning me.

With measured steps I walk to my balcony and descend the stairs that lead to the garden. From there is a short walk towards my favourite place in Martha's Vineyard. My rock, the place where I go to think.

I'm shivering from the emotions coursing through my veins, shattering me bit by bit.

The wind is fierce, like my heartache. It pushes me down as I climb, higher and higher.

The turbulent sea is a match for the agony swirling inside me.

I open my arms and welcome the violence of the brewing storm.

All this time I've thought that I was stronger than my feelings for Edward. That one day when I finally received a letter or spoke to him once more that I would be unaffected by any of it.

How pathetic of me to let myself crumble by a mere letter from him. Yet, as angry as I am for caring so much, for secretly hoping for a miracle that would push Edward into my arms, I can't make myself not feel the sorrow that threatens with breaking me apart.

With my arms wide open I allow all my pain wash over me. With my arms wide open I jump into the sea.

**-x-X-x-**

"What in heaven's name were you thinking, Bella?" I hear Peter's angry voice ask me.

I'm coughing and shivering, completely soaked and so is Peter. Then I remember, me jumping into the sea, the waves sinking me under, the sea taking me down, a blackness that consumed me.

I gaze in Peter's direction as notice his fierce expression. He looks livid, angrier that I've ever seen him.

"I'm so cross with you, Bella! How could you? What were you hoping to gain from jumping from that boulder?"

I blink several times before I'm able to reply in a hoarse whisper, "I wasn't hoping to gain anything. I was just hoping for oblivion."

"Ugh! Bella! How can you say that? How can you even entertain such notion! There are so many people who love you. Your mother, your father, your aunt Leah," he pauses and then adds in a whisper, "me…"

I'm taken aback by his words. I selfishly disregarded all those who I would leave behind if my efforts were successful. I'm ashamed and humbled by Peter's words. I know how hard it was for him to open himself to me, and yet I was more than ready to abandon my dear friend.

"I'm sorry," I whisper.

"Not sorry enough," Peter replies as he hugs me tightly to his warm body.

I cry against his shoulder as he lifts me and takes me to the house. Once in my room he places me gently in my bed and wraps me in a blanket.

I'm trembling in my damp nightgown while Peter stokes the fire, trying to warm the room as well as himself.

"How did you know?" I finally ask after a few moments of silence.

"The letter. I sneaked into your room this morning to check on you and found the letter. Then it was only a matter of guessing what someone in your position would do. I considered the Brooklyn Bridge oddly appealing when I first learned of Maria's deceit," Peter replies before he takes his wet shirt off, and I'm momentarily shocked by his indecent behaviour. If anyone were to catch us in this moment I'd be forced to marry Peter or face ruination.

He places his shirt in a chair near the fire so that it dries quicker.

I've never noticed how beautiful Peter really is, never paid attention to that fact.

In an ideal world I would easily fall in love with a man like Peter. In an ideal world a man like Peter would not be in my room because he rescued me from drowning. In an ideal world he would be in my room to seduce me. We don't live in an ideal world. In this world Peter and I are two lost souls who found each other and share a common pain, similar heartaches.

He looks through my drawers and tosses me a fresh nightgown.

"Change out of the wet clothes. I would ring your maid but she would tell your aunt. I have a feeling this is a secret you want to keep between us," he says before he turns to face the fireplace.

I'm momentarily stunned by his request before his voice moves me into action, "Hurry or you'll catch a chill!"

I'm blushing from head to toe as I disrobe behind Peter and don on a new, dry nightgown.

"Are you done?" He asks and I reply with a meek yes before I jump under the covers.

Peter turns and fixes his icy blue gaze on me.

"I hope this is the last time you give me such fright, Bella. What you did could have destroyed your family. And while I understand the sentiment that moved you to such foolhardy decision, I honestly expected more from you."

I nod. I don't try to defend myself or deny his words. Out of the two of us Peter is the one who makes imprudent decisions. I know I've disappointed my friend.

"I'm sorry," I say again.

"I know," he replies simply.

We stay quiet for quite some time. Peter is the first to break the silence.

"Your Edward really loves you. He is a fool and his father is a whoreson but at any rate you can be sure of your Edward's love."

"I know," I sigh, wishing that was enough.

"If you wish to honour what you two had, please follow Edward's request. I may be the last person you want advice from, but of one thing I'm certain. Nothing is final until you die. This will not be your last chance at love. You just need to hold on for a while and allow yourself to shine as your former beau so poetically put it. I'm not good with fancy words like your Edward, but I know one thing, and that's that you're meant for great things, Bella. Don't abandon the race before it's even started."

"I promise you that I'll fight against it, Peter. I won't let the pain consume me," I vow with conviction in my voice for the first time since I read Edward's letter.

"Good, because I'll be here to bend you over my knee next time you get a silly idea into that thick head of yours," Peter scolds and I smile in spite of the situation.

Peter puts on his shirt once is dry and kisses my forehead before leaving.

I remain in my room for the rest of the day. My aunt doesn't question it and since my parents are in New York I'm free to process my feelings without anyone hovering.

Finally, after a long day I let sleep overtake me with a single thought in my head.

I will not let myself be broken by this. I will shine and be happy. If only for Edward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> JSYK I cried writing this :( I'm a cry-baby though. Toy story 3 made me cry and don't get me started on how I cried with Happy Feet.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: These characters are the sole property of Stephenie Meyer. I am just messing around with them.
> 
> A/N I don't have a pre-reader or a Beta or anything of the sort. All mistakes are mine and mine alone.

**A Love So Beautiful**

**Martha's Vineyard, United States of America 1894**

"Astor is looking at you again," Peter whispers when he's standing near me.

I laugh and roll my eyes at Peter's comment. He thinks all men are always looking at me. I find it endearing how overprotective he can be at times.

"He married just three years ago," I reply sipping from some punch.

"He's married, not blind. You're an incredibly beautiful woman, Bella," he states.

I blush and look away. Peter has a way with easy flattery, and in spite of us acting more like brother and sister than anything else, I know there are some people who speculate about our relationship.

"Miss Wickman is throwing quite the admiring looks your way as well. And as far as I know she's unmarried," I say with a taunting smile.

In recent months, Peter has taken over the control of his many businesses and cut all ties with women the likes of Mrs Denali. Long forgotten are the many nights in which he stumbled into his house at odd hours of the day, completely foxed and dishevelled. His mother is thrilled, and much to my chagrin, attributes Peter's change to his friendship with me.

"Drat," Peter whispers. "I've been trying to shake the chit for hours now. She won't leave me be!"

I giggle behind my fan. Ever since Peter's _transformation_ into a gentleman, every matron and debutante in the East Coast has been sniffing behind him with the ferocity of a hound.

"Laugh all you want Miss Swan, at least I'm not the one being pressured to choose a husband," Peter adds in response to my teasing laughter.

I groan as I remember how my mother has been pushing every available gentleman my way. Which is the reason why I'm currently hiding with Peter near the refreshments.

"I wish my mother understood that I'm not interested in marriage. She won't relent in her matchmaking endeavours. If father doesn't return from England soon to distract her I will not be accountable for my actions."

"Isn't time though, Bella?" Peter asks me as he looks at me with curious eyes.

"I'm twenty years old, Peter. I'm not wasting away or shrivelling up due to old age in the foreseeable future," I reply, my voice tinged with a hint of defensiveness. It's not the first time I've been asked this in the last year. Even Aunt Leah, who is not one to rush these things, has asked me if I do not think it's good time I find myself a beau.

"Peter, as you well know one must not rush into new relationships merely because enough time has elapsed from the previous one. I don't see you dashing to secure the hand of any of the many women trailing you."

"In that regard, you're correct, my dearest Bella. However, at the very least I've tried. I courted Miss Watson for the whole summer before I decided she was too dull to keep up with my wittiness," Peter states with a chuckle. "You on the other hand, have been chasing away every potential suitor brave enough to approach the ferocious _Lady Swan_."

I roll my eyes at the reference Peter makes of the newest nickname society has decided to bestow upon me.

Ever since I rebuffed the proposal of a very persistent Neily Vanderbilt, people in the East Coast circles have been calling me _The Lady Swan_ behind my back.

Apparently, it's some type of veiled reference to Mr Tchaikovsky's ballet that some of them have been privileged enough to attend while in Russia. Peter told me that the ballet was about an enchanted princess. She was cursed to become a swan every night and only the love of a man who could prove himself faithful to her would break the charm. I fail to see the similarities, but Peter has commented once that said Princess was remarkably beautiful, unapproachable and sad, just like I am.

I guess that in many people's opinion, one had to be under a powerful spell to reject the likes of Neily Vanderbilt.

"I do not chase them away. I'm the very picture of politeness when they approach me. I'm too independent, that's why they don't persevere in their efforts long enough for us to form an acquaintance."

"What about Neily then? He was more than perseverant. Yet, you rejected his suit—more than once may I add," Peter says with a smug smile plastered on his face.

"Oh, Peter," I moan. "They are all wrong for me. No matter how hard I try to like them, they are too stuffy, or too wild, or too philandering, or too—"

"Too unlike Edward," Peter cuts in looking at me with sad eyes.

I look away and sigh. He's correct, as usual. I'm always comparing the men who approach me to Edward. I always ask them if they're musical like Edward is. I always ask them if they enjoy riding horses like Edward and I do. I always ask about their tastes in books, theatre, composers, etc. Every single thing I always relate back to Edward.

It's not fair to those men, and if I'm entirely honest with myself, not fair to me either.

Peter has been trying to change his ways. It took him a while but he rid himself of Mrs Denali—and though he kept a few mistresses through the years—he has been devoting recent months to searching for a potential bride.

He's trying, while I'm still flipping through the pages of my story with Edward.

"Has your friend Alice ever mentioned how he's faring?" Peter enquires after a few silent moments.

"I asked her not to. I'm too afraid of the answer," I whisper.

Before we can continue our conversation I'm interrupted by my mother who wants to introduce me to yet another suitable gentleman.

**-x-X-x-**

Life is a curious mistress, capricious, unpredictable, surprising us at every turn.

When I was sixteen years old I did not expect Edward's kiss in our meadow. When I was seventeen, I did not expect a letter from Edward after all the time we had been apart, and at twenty I did not expect a letter from Alice informing me she is with child and telling me of her newfound love for her husband, Jasper.

_Dearest Bella,_

_I feel so selfish writing this letter. I'm in no position to ask anything of you after all the hurt my family has caused you. However, if there is a person whom I would love to see during this happiest of times in my life that person is you._

_As you well know throughout these years I have struggled with my position as Jasper's wife. In the beginning, we did not know each other and I was too heartbroken to even consider Jasper as a man I could ever love. In time though, his gentleness and patience won my trust, and in the end, my heart._

_After we found a balance in our lives it seemed Mother Nature sensed it was time for us to bring new life into this world. I'm with child, Bella, and so happy about it._

_Jasper wanted me to wait for a few months to make the announcement, since as you know a baby's life is so frail inside his mother's belly. However, I could not wait to share my happy news with my dearest and oldest friend._

_I know it's too much of me to ask, but Jasper tells me your father has been in London in recent months, and he also tells me that your mother plans to join him. Are you accompanying her?_

_I feel as if my mother is truly looking down at me from heaven, sending me blessings such as my child and the possibility of seeing you again._

_If you do not wish to come to England or are unable to, I will understand. Jasper tells me we can travel to America after the child is born._

_It has been almost five years Bella and I miss you. I promise that whenever and in whichever place we meet I will not mention any part or any person from the past that may have hurt you._

_As always, I wish you the very best, and hope to hear news from you soon._

_Your friend,_

_Alice_

**-x-X-x-**

"So, are you making the crossing with your mother?" Peter asks me when I inform him of the contents of Alice's letter.

"I don't know yet," I confess. "Aunt Leah feels that it could be in my benefit to visit the places I link with my deepest sorrows. I know mother would be ecstatic if I decided to go. She loves England and misses my father dearly. The only reason she stays in the Vineyard is to be near me. Father's businesses keep him away most of the year and I know she feels torn between her love for father and her concern and love for me. "

"But you still have some qualms about making the crossing," Peter declares.

"I do," I confirm.

"What are you afraid of?"

"I don't know—" I start to lie. Peter gives me that look he uses whenever he feels I'm hiding something and I sigh. It's so difficult to keep any secrets from him. He knows me too well.

We are walking through a path of trees in Peter's estate. Aunt Leah and Peter's mother are enjoying some tea at the main house, not far from where we stand. It's a lovely—if somewhat stormy day, but I can't bring myself to enjoy it when so many doubts are swirling in my mind.

_What if I decide to accompany my mother, and I encounter Edward by accident? What if he's happy, like Alice is? What if he became enamoured with his wife with the passing of time? While I'm still in this limbo between the past and the present. There are too many_ what ifs _to consider for my liking._

"Bella," Peter says interrupting my musings and bringing my attention back to him.

I turn towards him, being careful not to hit him with the umbrella I'm carrying. It's sunny, but some clouds in the horizon announce that a storm is not far from us.

"Yes…" I reply, trying to dodge answering his previous question. He's looking at me with intense determination. A look I've seldom seen him use. He usually reserves it for occasions in which he's about to announce a major change to his mother or when he's discussing his businesses with his lawyer.

"Do you still love him?" He asks. A question no one has asked me in so long it almost feels strange when it slips from Peter's mouth.

I ponder my reply for a few moments. Smalls little drops start falling before I can reply, so I open my umbrella and look up at the clouds to assess how much time we have to run to the house before the storm hits.

Peter turns my head towards him again by placing his index and thumb under my chin. His fingers linger on my skin and I shiver. The part that scares me is that I'm not sure whether I'm shivering from the cold wind or the sensation Peter's fingers are alighting on my skin.

"Please answer me, Bella," he beseechs in a warm whisper.

"I'm not certain. Some days I feel as if I do. Some days I feel as if he's a ghost that haunts me, chases after me and I can't escape him. Some days I feel as if he's a faraway memory from a life that never existed," I admit.

"When do you feel as if he had never existed?"

I don't have to consider the answer for long, it tumbles from my lips before I can gauge its implications, "When I'm with you."

Peter nods as if confirming something he long suspected. He squares his shoulders and takes a deep breath as lightning illuminates the sky above us.

Fat droplets fall from the sky in a choreographed dance of water, light, and sound. Peter is soaked in minutes, just as he was the day he saved me from a watery grave.

"Wha—" I start to ask as Peter's mouth descends on mine, robbing me of my breath.

I always hated the unpredictable quality of life. The way life seems to find amusement in toying with me by throwing me into completely unexpected situations. I've almost come to anticipate surprises from life. Sometimes though, life manages to shock me even further.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helluva time jump… and we are in the year that’s signalled in chapter 1 as the year Bella marries. Finally…lol  
> Speaking of chapter 1. Remember my epic A/N there? This is Bella’s story. Not Edward/Bella, not Peter/Bella. She will end up with the person she decides to end up with and if you want to know you’ll have to stay on this ride.  
> JSYK if this chapter has extra typos or it’s awful, be nice. This time of year my allergies KILL me. I’ve been feverish, scratching, sneezing, you name it. I EFFING HATE SPRING… js.  
> Oh, and have you noticed how New Moonish this fic is? I just noticed it proof-reading. I swear it wasn’t intentional as New Moon is my least favourite book in the saga.  
> BTW the Astor they are talking about in the beginning is John Jacob Astor IV. You know, the guy who married a very young woman after his scandalous divorce? The same guy who died on the Titanic? That Astor :D http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Jacob_Astor_IV  
> Neily Vanderbilt actually existed. His full name was Cornelius Vanderbilt III. He was actually an outcast later in life because he married against his father’s wishes, so I thought him romantic enough to be persistent and chase after a reluctant Bella. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cornelius_Vanderbilt_III  
> Okay, epic A/N ends now.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: These characters are the sole property of Stephenie Meyer. I am just messing around with them.
> 
> A/N I don't have a pre-reader or a Beta or anything of the sort. All mistakes are mine and mine alone.

**A Love So Beautiful**

**Martha's Vineyard, United States of America 1894**

My eyes are wide open in shock as Peter's mouth moves over mine. His lips are warm, sweet. He's softly caressing my mouth with his. Even with my limited experience with kissing I can attest that Peter is an expert in the subject. Before I realise how, my eyes are closing and my arms are wrapping around his neck.

I gasp when his tongue peeks to taste my lips, and he takes full advantage of my reaction to explore my mouth fully. He places his hand on each side of my face and tilts my face to deepen the kiss. His tongue caresses mine in an erotic dance that extracts an unbidden moan from me.

I allow myself to enjoy this kiss, so long I've starved myself from any type of physical affection I can almost ignore it's my best friend I'm kissing.

Suddenly, I'm taken back in time and the lips kissing me are soft and smell of sunshine and blue bells. I'm in a meadow in England, where my dreams had a chance of becoming realities. I pull myself closer to _his_ body, impossibly close, because I've missed this part of me. The part that was _his_ , the part I was forced to hide to survive. And I drown in the kiss, I die in the kiss and am born again, because in my mind I'm not kissing Peter my best friend. In my mind, I'm kissing _the_ best friend I left behind, _the_ best friend I was made to forget.

"Edward," I moan before I can stop myself.

Immediately the spell is broken, and Peter releases me, taking a step back. His eyes look at me with sadness and hurt.

"I'm sorry—" I start to apologize but he shakes his head and speaks before I am able to say anything.

"You have nothing to apologize for, Bella. I overstepped my boundaries. But I had to," he hesitates, "I had to test for myself if there was a possibility I was confusing my feelings for you with something more."

"Oh," I reply, surprised by any mention of feelings. Peter rarely mentiones that word, let alone in regards of a woman.

"Let's run to the house, Bella," he says, reminding me of the rain pouring from the grey skies.

In spite of the rain, we walk towards the main house in silence, not hurrying.

We have a lot to discuss once we reach our destination.

**-x-X-x-**

We are sitting in front of the chimney. The fire is crackling. The storm outside raging.

"When?" I ask simply.

Peter knows me well enough for me not to need to elaborate further.

"I am not quite certain. These things don't follow a timeline, Bella. I also don't have the best experiences when it comes to matters of the heart. However, if I had to set a date where it all began to change for me, I would say it was some time around last summer."

"Why do you think your feelings run deeper than friendship?" I enquire as I sit myself in an armchair, facing Peter. If we are going to discuss his feelings and our kiss I need to be looking at him. He's too practised in hiding his feelings, only his eyes betray him when he lies.

He sighs and rubs his face with both hands as if trying to gather his thoughts.

"I've been mulling about my feelings for you for some time. We have been friends for so long, sharing in our happiness and sorrows. For some time I managed to convince myself I was reading more into them than I should. It's the main reason why I decided to court Miss Watson. I was trying to convince myself I could care for any woman like I do you."

"What did you conclude after your experiment?" I ask, almost wary of Peter's reply.

Peter rises from his chair and walks towards me. He kneels before me and takes my hands in his. His eyes are full of emotion, something I've rarely seen in Peter. He hides his true emotions. He's never this honest, not even with me.

"I realised that that there's only one person that I enjoy being around with, only one person I can share my fears with, and only one person I dream about at night," he replies in an earnest voice.

I close my eyes as he squeezes my hands. Peter would be so easy to love. He's beautiful inside and out and yet I can't bring myself to let go. All of the sudden I'm angry. Angry because even after all this time I can't make myself forget, and move on. I wish it were as simple as wishing it.

I don't realise I'm crying until Peter wipes a tear from my cheek with the pad of his finger.

He presses his forehead against mine and whispers, "I know it's no easy. Until I met you I never dreamt I could ever feel anything but bitterness in my heart, but you broke through all the walls I tried to build around myself. Your sweetness, the way you do not allow yourself to be intimidated by my brashness, your smile, your love for life even in spite of how cruel it has been with you, you're my match, Bella. I just hope I can make you see how happy we could be."

"Peter—" I whisper. He interrupts me by placing a gentle kiss on my lips.

"Hush, Bella. I have time and patience. I know you still love him. But one day, when enough time has passed, you'll see as I have that there may be someone else for you. Someone like me."

**-x-X-x-**

After leaving Peter's estate I abscond myself in my rooms. Having no interest in discussing upcoming balls with my mother or my mood with aunt Leah.

I'm still pondering Peter's words, when I hear a knock on my door.

"May I come in?" My aunt Leah asks from behind the door.

"You may," I allow reluctantly. Between my mother and Aunt Leah, I much prefer Aunt Leah's questions. If I were to let mother know of Peter's interest in courting me she would start planning a summer wedding before I have the time to protest. Mother is too keen of seeing me married and giving her grandchildren to be unbiased on this matter.

"How are you, darling? Bessie tells me you requested your dinner be served in your room. Are you feeling poorly? Did you catch a chill due to the rain? I told Peter we should have returned immediately since you were soaked but he insisted you dry by the fire instead."

"I'm fine, aunt Leah," I reply with what I hope is a convincing smile.

"You're not. Please, what has you in such pensive mood? Was there something in Alice's letter that upset you?" Aunt Leah inquires as she takes a seat in front of mine.

"No, she's so happy. She's with child. I've never imagined she could sound this content in her marriage after the way in which it started."

"Then, what has you so worried?" she probes.

I sigh and blink a few tears that have been gathering in my eyes.

"Aunt Leah, I've been living with you for almost five years. And though I'm the happiest I've been since my return to America, I'm still not fully over my feelings for Edward. And now Peter—" I stop abruptly, trying to decide how to best put forth Peter's proposition.

My aunt Leah smiles knowingly and I realise that I might have been the only one blind to Peter's growing feelings for me.

"You knew. Of course you did," I state and aunt Leah nods still smiling.

"Peter has been remarkably transparent in his intentions towards you. I could almost see the small changes that took part in him in these last months. He has been slowly falling in love with you for the last year or so," Aunt Leah informs me.

I'm surprised over the fact that Peter was able to hide his feelings from me so proficiently. I did not suspect them until he kissed me.

"How did I not notice?"

"You only see him with the eyes of a friend, Bella. Some drastic change needed to occur in you for you to see Peter as more than the friend who escorts you to balls and rides horses in the beach with you. Peter has been slowly embracing his responsibilities as head of his family, and I believe that has to do with the shift of his feelings for you.

"He sees you now as a woman with whom he can share his life, a woman who can manage his house, a woman with whom he can have children and who will love and care for them as his mother has cared for him. I'm sure he has already explained this in more romantic terms."

"He has," I say as I gaze at my aunt in awe of her insightfulness. These are all things Peter has said to me in different occasions. He has always called me beautiful and unabashedly flirted with me.

However, in recent months I've noticed a new intensity imbued in his words. _You're beautiful_ turned into _you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen_. _You make me laugh_ turned into _I only laugh when I'm with you_. _You're good with children_ turned into one day _you'll make a great mother_.

"What are you thinking, darling?" Aunt Leah asks, breaking me out of my musings.

"I'm confused, aunt Leah. I love Peter, but I'm not in love with him. I don't know if I ever will. He wants to court me. He asked me to give him the opportunity to demonstrate that he can make me fall in love with him. He asked for a year to achieve this."

"What are you afraid of, Bella? You will never know what could have been if you don't allow Peter to court you," she says in a motherly tone. I know she has my best interest at heart and take her words with the seriousness she meant them with.

"I'm afraid I'll lose yet another friend if after a year I'm unable to fall for Peter as he predicts I will. I haven't stopped loving Edward in all this time. How do you suppose I'll stop now?"

"Oh, darling. He who risks nothing wins nothing. You must be bold! You must give Peter his chance at winning your heart. You have been hiding from life for far too long and we have indulged you. It's time you step into the light and embrace love once more!" My aunt says in a beseeching voice.

I allow my aunt's words to wash away my fears and recognize the wisdom in them. If I remain in this limbo I've sequestered myself into I will not be able to see if love it's still a possibility for me. I've been hiding from Edward and from the memories of him for so long, I've even allowed my fear to keep me away from a country I've come to consider as my own.

It is time for a change in my life.

**-x-X-x-**

"Miss, Mr Rothschild is here to see you," Bessie, my maid announces.

"Please show him into the drawing room. I will be with him momentarily," I request.

I take a deep breath and gather my strength. I've come to a decision and will follow through with it.

"Good morning," I greet Peter as I walk into the drawing room.

He stands and bows before he replies, "Good morning, you look lovely this morning."

I blush since now I know there's more to Peter's flattery than I guessed before.

"Thank you," I reply meekly as I take a seat.

"Have you thought about my request?" Peter inquires immediately after I'm sited.

"I have. And I agree. I've become too accustomed to hiding behind my family and even you. You're correct in your assessment that I haven't allowed myself to imagine a life in which Edward has no part of. Therefore, I've chased away every suitor who dared pursue me.

"I've grown weary though. I want to give you a chance. I want to give us a chance to see if our friendship could evolve into something more."

Peter smiles broadly, that boyish smile he only reserves for me.

"Your father will not be happy when he hears of this," he says in a teasing tone.

I can't help but smile as well at his words. "He'll be happy if I'm happy," I reply.

Before I can speak another word Peter rises from his chair, walks up to me, wraps his arm around my waist and lifts me from my chair. He kisses me, passionately, softly, adoringly. As if I'm the most precious thing in his life, and for the first time since I care remember I allow myself to hope. To hope for love again.

My breath is as ragged as his when we part. His smile is silly and contagious.

I take a step back, and put some distance between us so I can tell him about the rest of my resolutions.

"What is the matter?" he enquires, surely noticing a new tension in my expression.

"Before I can try to give you my heart in full, I must face my demons, Peter. One of my biggest errors was to take myself away from London. At the time, it did serve the purpose of giving me some space and time to heal. However, after a while it became a way for me to escape that which I found unpleasant. I need to return to England, visit Alice and close this chapter of my life before I can begin a new one."

"I suspected you would conclude something of the sort," he says. He's not smiling any longer.

"Thank you for understanding."

"I'll go with you," he declares suddenly.

I gape at him. Surely he didn't mean to say that.

He notices my shock and speaks before I can object, "You must understand. I want equal chance at winning your heart. If you go to England alone, and single, Edward or any other man may try to woo you. I want to be there to compete in equal terms for your affections."

"Edward is married, Peter," I answer sullenly, too sullenly which makes Peter narrow his eyes.

"If he really regrets his marriage and still wants you that won't stop him. It would not stop me," he says firmly.

I consider his proposal. He has been a source of strength for me these past years. Would it be wrong of me to rely on him once more?

"Please don't ponder on this too much. Follow your instincts, what do they tell you?"

I look at Peter and answer without thinking, just as he asked. "We're going to England, then."

Peter finds his boyish smile once more and says, "We're going to England."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Saturday! :) Piece of advice: avoid screwdrivers on an empty stomach. Just take my word for it :D So we're going to England, Woot!


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: These characters are the sole property of Stephenie Meyer. I am just messing around with them.
> 
> A/N I don't have a pre-reader or a Beta or anything of the sort. All mistakes are mine and mine alone.

**A Love So Beautiful**

**Liverpool, England 1894**

The water is calm and the skies are clear as we approach the port of Liverpool. I feel nervous and excited at the same time as I see the coast of England for the first time in so long. It feels like coming home, but at the same time I'm overwhelmed by feelings of anxiety and even fear the closer the ship gets to the landing stage.

Aunt Leah and my mother chat incessantly by my side. Mother is excited to be back on English soil after so long and seeing my father after three months apart. Peter is staring solemnly towards the water, lost in thought. I squeeze Peter's left hand bringing his attention back to me.

"Where are you?" I enquire.

"Nowhere, I was just thinking about the last time I visited England. I must have been twelve. I came with my father. It was one of the last trips we took together."

"Do you miss him?"

"Sometimes," he replies. "He was a very strict man. Focused on his businesses and not as indulging as your father, for example. However, I always had a great respect and admiration for him. He would have been sorely disappointed in my behaviour these last few years."

"But you have changed so much!" I interject; it's not fair for Peter to dwell on his _wild years_ as his mother calls them.

"I have. And I wish to change even more. I wish to be a man worthy of your love," he adds, placing a kiss on my cheek. The gesture is tender, and bold given the fact that we're out in the open, where anyone, including my aunt and mother can see us.

"Thank you," I whisper, touched by his words.

"Why?"

"For being there for me," I reply simply and look out at the nearing coast.

**-x-X-x-**

**London, England 1894**

"Bella!" My father greets with a broad smile playing on his lips. He embraces me tightly, and I reciprocate the gesture with enthusiasm. I have missed him dearly and I'm once again glad for my decision to come to England.

"I've missed you, poppa!" I whisper and place a kiss on his cheek.

Father's embrace tightens and he replies, "I've missed you too!"

I can't help but feel there's a deeper meaning to his words than what they seem on the surface.

"Mr Rothschild," he acknowledges Peter with a scowl. My mother has been kind enough to inform me that my father is not yet convinced of Peter's change nor is he happy with our courtship. She also made her great pleasure known and her assurance that she would _deal_ with my father as soon as we arrived to England. A notion that I must confess made me laugh at the time. Only Renee Swan would have the courage to deal with the mighty Charles Swan and turn out the victor.

"Mr Swan," Peter replies, grinning like a fool. He's too fond of pushing my father into an irate state.

I sigh, torn between laughing and being appalled at the exchange.

"I trust you had a good trip," My father continues as he greets my mother and aunt Leah.

"It was marvellous. The whole voyage was filled with sunny days and the calmest sea. I felt as it was meant to be that we shall we back in England at this precise time!" my mother answers enthusiastically.

"How wonderful!" father comments before he kisses mother's cheek and she giggles like a schoolgirl. For a moment I feel envious of them. I haven't giggled or acted childishly in so long. I squash my less than generous feelings and try to bask in the happiness my parents radiate.

"You must all be tired. I already ordered a small meal to be served on each of your rooms. Mr Rothschild, I trust you must be exhausted as well. My carriage awaits to take you to your townhouse as soon as you're ready."

"Thank you Mr Swan, very considerate of you," Peter replies completely unaffected by my father's obvious efforts to send him away.

"I shall return this evening for supper. Mrs Swan was kind enough to extend an invitation for tonight," he adds with a mischievous glint in his eyes.

"Of course," my father grumbles as he glares towards his still giggling wife.

"Until tonight," Peter says bowing to me and kissing my hand. I smile at his gesture, still not used to the way he treats me ever since we kissed. He's more openly affectionate and adoring, and I'm confused and somewhat skittish about the whole situation.

**-x-X-x-**

After Peter leaves, I'm in my room eating a delicious tart with some tea when someone knocks on my door.

"Please do come in!"

"Hello," my father says as he closes the door behind him. He looks preoccupied as he walks into my seating room and paces for several moments before he utters a word.

"Very well child, you know how I love you dearly. You're my only daughter and heir and all the hard work of my life was always aimed for your happiness and satisfaction."

"I know poppa," I reply, taken aback by my father's words. "I never doubted for a moment your love and devotion for mother and myself."

Father smiles and takes a seat across from me.

"I'm glad to hear it, sweetheart. I've tried to protect you over the years from anything that could sadden you or stress you unduly. However, now that you have returned to England there are some things that I just can't keep hidden."

"What do you speak of, father?" I enquire, suddenly concerned over yet another revelation that may crush my heart.

"I know you requested that neither Alice nor I should ever mention Edward's fate. Nonetheless, there are certain things you should know about the man before you're exposed to London's society once more. I do not want you to learn of these things while in the presence of others."

I nod at my father's words. If there's something about Edward that might upset me I would rather learn of it from my father's lips than hear about it during a soiree or ball.

"As you well know Lord Cullen married Lady Victoria quite a few years ago. As far as I know they have been living separately ever since." My father narrows his eyes at me when he notices a spark of hope in my eyes, that try as I might I cannot squelch.

"I don't want you to get your hopes up on that account. Many married couples of the peerage live separately that doesn't mean they aren't husband and wife by all intents and purposes," my father adds.

I feel a prickling of pain stab at my heart as my father reminds me with his words just what it entails that Edward and Victoria are a married couple now. He may not live with her but that doesn't mean he doesn't visit her bed quite often. I should not care, but I do in spite of everything.

"Edward has changed," father continues undeterred. "He's not the boy you once knew and loved. After his mother's death, Lord Carlisle secluded himself away from society in Masen House. Edward has taken over his family's investments and I've been told he's quite the ruthless businessman. People in London society refer to him as the Demon of Masen. I've heard so many stories of his cruelty; of the people he has supposedly destroyed to increase his fortune. He owns half of London, my child. No man amasses that kind of fortune by being kind, so I have to believe that the rumours about him must be based on some truth."

A few tears slip from my eyes as I imagine the sweet boy who would recite me poetry or play the piano for me turning into an insensitive, cruel man people refer to as a demon. I can not comprehend how such a change could have occurred. However, deep down I always knew Edward was too sweet to survive his father's machinations without having some part of his self broken in the process.

"Bella," father says as he tenderly kisses my hand. "I did not tell you this to hurt you. I wanted to prepare you in the event that you should cross paths with him. He spends the majority of his time in London, while his wife stays in Masen House. It's very likely that you might encounter him. I want you to be ready for any situation that might arise."

"I will father," I answer in what I hope is a reassuring tone. I knew when I decided to return to England that there was a high possibility that I might see Edward again. I have to admit to myself that it was one of the reasons I had acquiesced to Peter's company in this trip. I'm afraid of my reaction, of what I might do if there's no barrier between Edward and me the next time we meet.

"You look different from the last time I saw you," my father says, effectively changing the subject.

"How so?"

"You look almost yourself. Your old self, before everything changed and we moved to the Vineyard."

I blink. He's not the first to tell me such thing. Aunt Leah, and mother have commented something similar as well in the last few days.

"It's Peter's influence, isn't?" my father asks.

I consider it for a few moments before I reply, "I believe so, yes."

"Good," my father says as he stands. "As long as he makes you happy I'll not interfere. However, if he hurts you even in the slightest I will not hesitate to show him the full scope of my wrath."

I smile, touched by my father's protectiveness.

"I believe Peter will prove himself worthy of your respect soon enough," I avow.

**-x-X-x-**

Our first evening in England had been a success. My father, stern as he always tried to appear, could not resist Peter's good humour. In spite of the many misgivings he still has in regards of Peter's character I could see clear as day that in time my father would come to accept Peter. Maybe even love him…like a son.

As I drink a cup of coffee on my first morning on England after almost half a decade away. I wonder if I'll ever be able to see Peter as more than a friend. He's persistent and charming. I can't help but feel flattered by his attentions now that they are aimed solely at me. However, there's always this nagging feeling, this doubt inside me that makes me hold back and keeps me one step away from bestowing my affections upon him.

"Miss," Bessie interrupts my ponderings.

"Yes, Bessie," I turn towards my maid who looks quite discomfited.

"Miss, there's a man here to see you. I told him that Mr and Mrs Cullen and Mrs Black are not at home and you cannot receive him but he's most insistent."

I look at her perplexed. Who could be so adamant in speaking to me when I'm alone at the townhouse? It's most inappropriate.

"What is his name, Bessie?" I enquire.

"Lord Edward Cullen," a voice replies as I see a ghost from my past appear behind my maid.

He stands, the boy I once loved with all my heart, looking quite the man. He's tall. Taller than I remember his eyes greener than ever and pointedly fixed on me. His smile is devilish, his features chiselled. He looks like if he was carved from stone, godlike in his beauty and countenance.

He looks dangerous, dark, and my stomach tightens at the sight, from anxiety and something more I can't quite put a name on.

"Edward," I whisper in shock.

"Bella," he acknowledges in a deep, velvety voice.

My brain frantically searches for a reply as it chants: _it's too soon, I'm not ready_.

He gently pushes a frightened Bessie out of the room as I hear him order her that we are not to be disturbed.

Then, he closes the door and turns his wicked verdant gaze on me.

"Finally," he says and I gulp.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That boy just could not stay away once he learned she was back. Well, things should be quite interesting from here on out. *imagines an Edward/Peter mud fight* Oh yeah…
> 
> PS. Scredriver is the name of a cocktail. It's yummy but to be avoided on an empty stomach :D


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: These characters are the sole property of Stephenie Meyer. I am just messing around with them.
> 
> A/N I don't have a pre-reader or a Beta or anything of the sort. All mistakes are mine and mine alone.

**A Love So Beautiful**

**London, England 1894**

"What are you doing here?" I ask in what I hope is a steady voice. It seems like such a silly question to ask. After all this time apart there are a million questions swirling in my mind but that seems like the most innocuous.

"I came to see you," he whispers in response and I see a flicker of the old Edward in him. The Edward that dreamt of a world in which the two of us could marry, the Edward who wasn't strong enough to fight to make that world a reality.

"You came to see me?" I question in a tone that does not disguise my anger. My anger at Edward's lack of fortitude when I needed him to break down all the walls to be by my side. My anger towards Lord Carlisle and his ambitions. My anger towards Victoria and her obsession with Edward. Anger that I had thought long buried.

"Yes," Edward replies as he walks towards me. I stand up and take a few steps back, away from him and my confusion at seeing him again.

"I'm sorry," he says as he stops a few steps away from me, aware of the fact that I'm distancing myself from him—more than physically away.

"You need not be sorry, other than for visiting me when I'm alone without a chaperone. We're not sixteen anymore, Edward. People will talk if they learn of this visit," I fix him with my eyes, trying to show him with them that it's not okay to disrupt my peace like this, like he always does.

"You didn't use to care about what people say? In fact, I remember you suggesting that we ran away to America without my parents' consent when we were not of age yet," he replies, his eyes narrowed, zeroed on me.

We are dancing a dangerous dance of wills, tethering on the edge of cutting the other deeply.

I try to maintain my wits about me. I gain nothing from a confrontation with him.

"It's different now. As I just stated I'm not sixteen anymore. You're married," I almost spit that last word at him, "and I'm as good as betrothed," I lie.

His expression changes. It goes from devilish to dark and calculating. This is not the Edward I knew and the reality of it frightens me as well as excites me. There's a deeply buried part of me that still hopes for the Edward strong enough to battle dragons and slay them for me. This new Edward looks capable of eating dragons alive to keep me by his side.

"As good as betrothed?" he enquires in a calm voice that belies the annoyance hidden behind his green eyes. "I wasn't aware that one could be almost betrothed. How does one go about being _as good as_ betrothed?"

"Why are you really here?" I question, changing the subject.

"Can't I visit my long lost best friend?" he replies sardonically.

"Yes," I answer tentatively. "You can visit your friend. However, it seems very convenient that you happen to call the moment my parents and aunt leave me alone."

"A blessed coincidence," he shrugs.

"Somehow, I doubt it. Please leave, Edward. You may return when my parents are at home."

"Please don't send me away. I only want to speak," he says, his eyes pleading. I don't trust the way those eyes switch from menace to begging in an instant.

Nonetheless, I trust the old Edward enough to know he won't intentionally hurt me. He's here, what more damage can be done if I just allow him to speak?

"Very well, please take a seat," I say as I point to a chair in front of the one I was previously sitting at.

Once we are both seated I try to ignore the tingling that covers my entire body just being in the presence of Edward. A feeling I had not experienced since I was a young girl.

"You're even more beautiful than I remembered," Edward starts and I'm taken aback by the earnest way in which he speaks his compliment.

"Thank you," I reply quietly. The air around us feels charged, as if time had stopped years ago, as it felt in our meadow after we shared our first kiss.

"How are you?" I ask with honest interest. Apart from his success as a businessman I know nothing of what he has been through these last few years.

"Apart from the fact that my marriage is a sham and my father and I haven't spoken to each other since I discovered what he was doing with my letters to you, I'm well. I'm the richest man in England and my sister is having a baby. At least, now I don't have to worry about providing an heir to the Masen line."

The way in which Edward delivers his news, unfeelingly, as if he truly didn't care about the way in which his personal life is in shambles, breaks my heart for him. He may be the richest man in England, yet I'm almost certain he's the unhappiest.

"I'm sorry," I say, because I'm at a loss of what else to say.

He smiles gently and replies, "Why should you feel sorry? You did everything right, Bella. You were a girl of sixteen and yet you did everything you could, asked your father's help, everything so we could be together. I was a weakling and I'm merely paying for my cowardice. Every decision has its consequences. I chose, at the time the one I believed I could live with. I didn't realise at sixteen exactly what I was sacrificing."

"I wish you weren't so severe in your judgement of your decisions. As you said, you were sixteen, and you were not raised by the same parents I was nor were you under the same expectations. My father's only expectation in me was seeing me happy. He believes that people should do and live as they see fit as long as they don't harm others. Your father ingrained in you a sense of duty towards your family and towards the peerage that moved you to make those decisions. You only acted the way you were raised. I've come to terms long ago with it, and I don't think your actions were a reflection of what you felt for me."

"It was not," he says, after which we remain quiet for long moments.

"You said you were almost betrothed," he comments, breaking the silence.

I blush and look away before I face him again. When I said that, it felt like a good idea to discourage any bizarre idea Edward may still have about us being together, however now I feel bad for lying to him.

"I'm not. Well, Peter is courting me but he hasn't asked my father for my hand. It's all fairly new," I reply stumbling along my words.

Edward grins, and my breath catches at the sight. He's so beautiful. He always was, even at sixteen he was already in route of becoming one of the most devastatingly handsome men in England. However, now that I sit next to the reality of him, it seems hard, next to impossible to remain impassive in his presence. He still affects me like so many years ago.

"It seems to me as if this Peter may be more interested in your hand than you're in giving it to him," Edward says. I don't notice any trace of malice in his comment, more like genuine curiosity.

"As you can guess I have a natural reluctance towards marriage due to some bad past experiences," I reply with more bitterness in my voice than I intended.

"I'm sorry—" I start to apologize, but Edward stops me by shaking his head.

"Please don't be, I deserved that."

I only nod and stare at my lap.

"Bella," Edward whispers, and as I lift my gaze I'm surprised by finding him kneeling next to me. His green eyes are fixed on mine and full with unshed tears. My own eyes are blurry and I feel my chest tighten due to Edward's close proximity.

I gasp as Edward's thumb traces my lower lip. He's so close I can breathe his scent and fill my lungs with it. I can hear his heart beating in his chest as erratically as mine is beating.

"I wish—" he says and stops choked as I am by the many feelings this encounter is stirring. "I wish there was a way that I could go back to that meadow and not kiss you. Sometimes, I think that if I hadn't kissed you, I might have resigned myself to my father's mandates and you would have been spared so much suffering."

"I wouldn't have," I interpose as Edward's thumb caresses the wet skin of my cheeks.

"Maybe," he concedes. "It doesn't matter now. I made so many mistakes and hurt you unjustifiably. During all this time I imagined you in America, happy, maybe even married, with beautiful babies like their mother."

"Why are you here, Edward?" I reiterate my earlier question. I sense there's a deeper purpose to Edward's visit he has not disclosed yet.

"I wasn't sure. One of my associates heard of your arrival and for some reason I came to your house and waited. I told myself I only wanted to see you, even from afar. I promised myself I would not approach you. I would only see with my own eyes that you were happy, safe…"

"Then why are you kneeling in front of me now?" I question.

"Because you have this pull over me that has only become stronger in time. I had half convinced myself that I was over my feelings for you. I told myself that I could come here and stand outside, that if I could just see you I would be satisfied. I was a fool. As soon as your parents and aunt left I walked up to your door and rung the bell."

I have to keep repeating in my head, _he's married, he's married._ As much as I want to believe myself strong enough to face Edward, the way he's caressing my face with his hand is making me dizzy. My skin feels raw wherever he strokes. I'm torn between pushing him away and grabbing the lapels of his jacket to pull him closer.

"Edward, you're married," I gasp as his fingers start a descent towards my neck, towards my chest.

Edward looks at me as if I've spoken in gibberish. He blinks and a couple of tears spill from his eyes. His eyes are red-rimmed. His body sprung tight, like a cat about to pounce on a mouse.

"I can't—" he says and stops. He gets closer and closer until his lips are hovering over mine. We are sharing one breath, unmoving, waiting for the other's reaction.

"What?" my trembling lips whisper. We are so close together, his hand placed right above my thumping heart. I can feel as Edward's body shudders, as if moved by a powerful emotion beyond his control.

"How did we end up here?" he asks in a whisper as he caresses my lips with his. Now I'm the one trembling, gasping, gulping, spiralling out of control in sensations far stronger that what I've ever felt before in my life.

"You would not fight for us," I murmur against Edward's mouth. Our breaths ragged, our eyes fogged by tears.

"I know it's late," he says in a hoarse voice. "But I would sell my soul to the devil for a taste of your lips. I want you, love you so much still, Bella."

I should not be affected by his words. I should not care about what he wants or feel anything for this man kneeling before me. Yet, I shiver in delight at his words. I move myself closer, trying to shorten the distance between our mouths and finally, after all this time have a taste of heaven. Regardless, of marriages, the consequences, or who I may hurt with my actions. I'm so beyond caring at this point.

Our moment is broken when someone knocks at my door and Edward and I split apart as if hit by lightning bolt.

"Damn it all!" Edward hisses as he walks towards the door and opens it.

I'm breathing rapidly as if I had run a race across half of London.

Bessie is standing outside. She's fidgety and obviously scared on my behalf.

"I told you we were not to be interrupted," Edward growls at the poor girl.

"I'm sorry, my Lord. But…but Mr Rothschild is here to see Miss Bella."

"Peter," I gasp. He's here. _Oh no!_

Edward studies me carefully while I try to regain my composure. He turns to Bessie and says, "Well, girl. Let him in. We don't want Mr Rothschild waiting in the foyer. He's Miss Bella's intended after all."

Bessie nods and hurries away from Edward as fast as she can.

"You must leave immediately" I announce, rising from my chair and wiping my tears on a napkin.

"Why?" Edward inquires in that same derisive tone he used when he first entered my parlour. "I thought you could not receive gentlemen while you were unchaperoned. Or is it just me you can't receive without a duenna in presence?"

"Please, Edward. Don't play with fire," I reply in a harsh tone in spite of my request.

"I'm not afraid of getting burned, not anymore," he retorts as the door opens behind him.

"Bella," Peter says as he walks in. He acknowledges Edward with a tilt of his head but walks straight towards me before he asks who he is.

"A friend of the family," I respond before Edward can take the honours from me. "He was just passing by and stopped to present his regards to my father."

Peter looks at Edward and then me. I know he doesn't believe me and can tell how unnerved I'm by Edward's presence.

"Peter Rothschild," Peter says extending his hand in greeting in the American way.

In spite of his status, Edward follows Peter's game and shakes his hand as any other mortal would had he not been born as part of the nobility.

"Lord Edward Cullen."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise you were a Lord. Should I call you _my Lord_ and bow to you?" Peter says in his usual teasing tone, but I can tell from his arm wrapped around my own arm that he's tensed as the cord of a washing line.

"No need. As Miss Swan said I'm a friend of the family," Edward replies still holding on to Peter's hand—I suspect too tightly by the way Peter slightly winces before he releases him.

"Well," Edward says suddenly. "I hope you don't mind me leaving, but as Miss Swan said I was passing by."

He looks at me with an unreadable expression and bows, "Miss Swan."

I muster all my inner strength to appear as unaffected as I can when I reply, "My Lord."

He gives one last disdainful look towards Peter's arm around mine and walks out of the room.

Peter turns to me and enquires, "Was that him? Your Edward?"

"He's not mine," I say defensively.

"I know. What I meant was—"

"I don't want to discuss it. Can we talk about it later? Please," I beseech.

Understanding my need to process my encounter with Edward, Peter changes the subject even though I know curiosity is eating at him. I've never appreciated my friend's empathy as I do now while he respects my wish not to discuss it.

**-x-X-x-**

After Peter leaves, I lock myself in my room to rest and ruminate about my first encounter with Edward. The new version of him, at least.

"Miss," I hear Bessie call from the door.

"What?" I say in a harsh tone. I'm so tired. I just want to be left alone to think.

She walks up to me with a nervous expression and I try to soften mine so I don't scare her. None of this mess is her fault.

"Lord Cullen left a note before he left and he instructed me to deliver it to you as soon as Mr Rothschild left."

I stare at the piece of folded paper in Bessie's hand and I take it with trembling fingers.

_Bella,_

_Years ago I wasn't strong enough to fight for you. I was a fool, gullible, a puppet in my father's hands. I'm no longer a puppet, and I'm prepared to fight for the right to call you mine again._

_Forever yours,_

_E_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Elizabeta1994 for her reviews. I’m past 100 reviews on Fanfiction.net thanks to you :)  
> Er… so let “The Pissing Games” begin? May the odds be ever in your favor! :D


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: These characters are the sole property of Stephenie Meyer. I am just messing around with them.
> 
> A/N I don't have a pre-reader or a Beta or anything of the sort. All mistakes are mine and mine alone.

**A Love So Beautiful**

**London, England 1894**

I am at my wits' end. Edward's note has shaken me. When I decided to return to England I imagined visiting Alice and all the places that brought me sad memories. I thought I might encounter Edward and was prepared for such encounter, but what occurred today was not something I was prepared for.

After so long, there is still a fire between us that refuses to be put out. I'm still trembling from the memory of his proximity, and now he sends me this note?

What does he mean by "I'm prepared to fight for the right to call you mine again."? He cannot possibly imply he intends to seduce me into accepting to become his mistress? He would not disrespect me in such a way, would he? Then I remember that I was more than willing to elope with him at age sixteen, regardless of the consequences our actions may have brought upon us. If he would have asked me to live in sin with him back when we were sixteen, I'm almost sure I would have said yes. The thought alone scares me. I'm too vulnerable to Edward's persuasion.

There's a knock on my door that makes me stop my pacing.

"Who is it?" I ask, not interested in seeing anyone.

"You aunt, darling. Are you quite all right? May I come in?" Aunt Leah's voice filters from behind my door.

As soon as she crosses the threshold and looks at my expression she asks me in a concerned voice, "It's something wrong? Why are you so pale? You look agitated, sweetheart!"

She places her hand above my forehead, checking for a fever. When she realises I'm healthy, she reiterates her question. "What is the matter?"

"Edward," I whisper as I collapse on a settee, "He was here."

My aunt sits beside me and is quiet for a moment while she rubs my arm. She breaks the silence with a question I have no true answer for, "What did he want?"

"I don't know," I moan. "He seemed to want to see me at first. Like an old friend visiting. However, near the end he was as overwrought with emotion as I am now. We almost kissed," I confess.

"Oh, no," aunt Leah murmurs while she continues to rub my arm in a soothing movement.

"That's not all," I say handing her the note he left with Bessie. She reads it in silence.

"The cheek of that man!" aunt Leah exclaims when she's finished. "What does he think? That you'll become his mistress?"

"I don't know, aunt Leah," I reply as I face her. "If we were in America I'd say he could claim many reasons to divorce his wife. However, things are so different here, especially for members of the peerage. I don't know what Edward has in mind but it cannot lead to anything good."

Aunt Leah studies me for a few moments before she comments on my diatribe.

"You want this," she says and I'm taken aback by her assertion.

"Whatever do you mean?" I enquire.

"You want him to divorce. You'd marry him in a second if he would. You'd thought about it, the possibilities and such. You want it."

I gape at my aunt. Her words touch at a cord of my heart and bend it until it starts repeating the same words over and over again: _you want this, you want him_.

"I don't—" I start with a lie, but my aunt interrupts me with a stern look.

"Please don't try to lie, dearest. I'm too wise in the ways of the world for you to fool me. Be honest. I want to help you, guide you in the right path but I can't if you lie to me."

I look down at my lap and murmur, because I'm about to admit a truth about myself that shames me.

"Yes, I've fantasized about it. I've thought of ways in which Edward and I could be together. But aunt Leah, it's wrong of me. I truly want to stop loving him. I just don't know how."

"Oh, my child," aunt Leah says, placing one of her hands above my cheek. I lean into her touch, comforted by the way in which she doesn't seem to judge me as I thought anyone who knew of my weakness might.

"What about, Peter?" she asks me. I lift my gaze and I face her again.

"I love him. I truly do love him, I simply don't love him like I do Edward, though," I confess, my voice defeated.

"You've only recently acquiesced to Peter's request to court you. It's all too new. Also, darling, the boy you loved does no longer exist. From what your father has told me, Edward has changed remarkably over the years. He's ruthless and ambitious, I hear. Not at all the sweet, sensitive boy you described me."

"He has," I acknowledge. "He's different. He changed both physically and in character. However, when I saw him today it felt as if time had stopped all those years ago. In my heart there was no difference."

"Bella, you're a grown woman now. Not the child you were when this whole situation started. If you love him, if you truly feel he's your fate, then fight for him. But only if being by his side will make you happy. Do not hold on to a memory.

"If he waited all these years he can wait a few more months. You must reacquaint yourself with him. Know him for the man he is today not the lad you used to love. As for Peter, he's an intelligent man. Be honest with him as any friend would, and if he decides to fight for your affections, then I think you should allow it."

"But Aunt Leah, Edward is married. I cannot befriend a married man. Also, I do not want to hurt Peter. He deserves better from me."

Aunt Leah shakes her head and sighs before fixing me with her kind, brown eyes.

"Bella, Peter is a smart fellow. If he wants to compete for your love, let him. He knows what he's doing. As for befriending Edward, you're to meet his sister tomorrow, am I correct? Try to extract as much information as you can from her. Edward seems quite interested in you, so you best be prepared for the next occasion you may encounter each other. Today he took you by surprise that should not happen again if you want to remain in control of the situation."

"My parents will not be happy if they know about me enquiring after Edward," I state.

Aunt Leah hugs me tightly to her and says, "Let me handle those two." To which I laugh for the first time today.

**-x-X-x-**

When we were young, Alice was always the epitome of a Lady. With Lady Esme as example you could hardly expect anything different.

The Alice that jumps at me as soon as she lays eyes on me when I cross the door to her drawing room, the one who twirls and squeals and leaps is not the Alice I knew years ago.

She looks lovely, happy, and very much pregnant with a little bump that presses against me as she hugs me.

"Bella! I missed you so! You're here!" she almost screams.

I look at her owlishly, trying to determine if this is my friend Alice or a tornado.

"You're pregnant," I state like a ninny.

"Yes!" She laughs as she takes my hand and almost carries me to a settee where she sits next to me.

"You've grown so beautiful!" she exclaims, her smile brilliant.

I smile and blush at the compliment.

"Thank you, Alice. You look amazing as well. How far along are you?"

"Only four months, but I'm already starting to show. Jasper thinks I may be carrying twins. Two pair of aunts of his were twins," she replies, her smile unwavering. A frisson on jealousy pinches my heart but I ignore it. Alice deserves this happiness. She has suffered for far too long. She learned to live with the cards life dealt her, unlike Edward and me. I'm envious of her and her approach to life.

"I'm so happy for you," I say honestly.

"Thank you, Bella," she replies, subdued. "How are you?" Her question is sincere. I can feel genuine concern pouring off her. I've missed Alice, who was always like an older sister to me, more than I've thought.

"I'm fine," I reply, trying to muster my best smile. It doesn't ring true and Alice immediately picks up on it.

She narrows her eyes slightly and gives me a reassuring pat on the hand.

"Bella, we may have lived in different continents for the past few years, but I still consider you a sister. You can be honest with me."

"Edward was at my house, yesterday," I state. I can see the wheels turning in Alice's mind as she grasps the meaning of this.

"What did he want?" she enquires calmly. I can tell from her demeanour she's fuming.

"I don't know. He…I…It was as if no time had passed between us…" I sigh, free once I let the words out.

Alice shakes her head, "Things are much more complicated than you think, Bella. I don't care what he promised you. He needs to sort many things in his life before he can even entertain the idea of attempting to fix what you had."

"What do you mean?" I question puzzled by Alice's statement. What more complications, besides his marriage to Victoria can there be?

"It's not my story to tell. What I can tell you though is that he has been trying to divorce Victoria for years, unsuccessfully. He cannot give you anything at the moment, and I'm guessing these past few years haven't changed you so much for you to agree to become his mistress."

I wish I could have Alice's conviction in my resolve to resist Edward. Before she can notice my hesitation I probe further into what she just revealed.

"What do you mean he has been trying to divorce Victoria? Why didn't he go to America after me if he meant to leave her?"

"Ugh! Bella, I cannot tell—"

"Please," I beseech before she can deny me again. I need answers. "Who knows how Edward may bend the truth. I need it from someone I can fully trust, and I'm not sure yet if I can trust this new version of him. Please, Alice."

She seems to vacillate, between her loyalty to her brother and her loyalty to me. Finally she nods and squares her shoulders before she continues.

"I don't know where to start. Let's see…" she trails. I'm anxious, at last after years of requesting no one inform me about Edward's life, I'm about to know. Part of me is dying to know…to learn what sort of life he has led since we last parted, the other part is so afraid to find out something that may hurt me I'm trembling when Alice speaks again.

"He has changed so much," Alice says, "In some aspects the change was good. He developed such strength, such determination. You should see him, Bella. He's a force to be reckoned with. I wish he had been like that back when this all started."

I sigh. _I wish the same every day._

"In others, however…" she trails, and my skin covers in goose pimples.

"He closed himself off from us, from his family. Ignored Victoria, treated her in such a way I almost pitied her."

"Was he cruel?" as much as I never liked Victoria I don't wish her any ill. She may have been insupportable as a young woman, but she was never malicious or even impolite to anyone.

Alice shakes her head, "No, he was never cruel. But Victoria truly fancied she loved him, which I can understand given her age and how sheltered she was. I imagine she created a whole fantasy in which Edward truly may come to love her, even though her father basically bought her groom with her title. When you love someone, there are ways in which he can hurt you without being cruel. Coldness, indifference are enough to breaks one's heart most thoroughly."

I know very well how much hurt the people you love can impart on you. They have the power to break you, unlike any other people in your life.

"Don't misunderstand me; she has done a few things that were utterly reproachable. However, I think she mostly did them in her despair to gain Edward's love by any means necessary."

"Please Alice, stop going around in circles. What happened? Why are things more complicated than when I left?" I enquire in a pleading tone. I need the hard facts of what happened before I can decide what to make of my life.

"Very well. Right after you left, Edward was inconsolable. He tried on mother's behalf to appear joyful, but he was wretchedly unhappy. He escorted Victoria to balls and played the part of attentive fiancé, but anyone with eyes could see he was going through the motions. He hated it, felt so helpless under father's pressure and the own pressures and expectations that come with being part of our class.

"You know how it is for us, Bella. Here the honour of your family and how far back in the past you can trace your ancestors is everything. If you are a legitimate descendant of someone who was in William's court you are at the highest tier of _la bonne société_."

I know very well all of this, in England trade as my father practices it is viewed as vulgar. An English gentleman doesn't toil to earn his upkeep. He just sits in his clubs and smokes cheroots along with his friends while his tenants work his land and pay him for the privilege. It's one of the aspects of British society I've always disliked. My father, who is revered in America for his vision, is considered below people the likes of Lord Carlisle who never worked a day of his life.

"I think in time, the pretence wore on him. By the time mother died, Edward was utterly disgusted with himself and the choices he had made. I personally thought he would go after you, even after having married Victoria."

"Why didn't he?" I enquire. It was one of the first things I wondered about once I could think clearly about Edward's note.

"This is where I need you to be calm. There are aspects of Edward's story that are delicate in nature."

"I'm prepared, Alice. I need to hear this. I've protected myself, hid behind you and father for far too long," I assure her.

"I don't know the details, but around the time of mother's death, Edward turned to spirits to cope with his pain. All I know is that Edward woke me one day while I was still at Masen House and he cried and cried. I didn't know what was wrong. I almost thought something have happened to you."

"What happened?" I say in but a whisper, my voice shaky with trepidation.

"When he slept and calmed himself enough to speak he told me he had failed you once again. He had drunk so much the day before that he didn't remember anything. The only thing he remembered was waking in his wife's bed, naked."

I swallow the knot that's threatening to choke me. I never expected Edward to wait for me. I know most men find it hard, if not impossible to be celibate. I simply never anticipated it would come to be in such sordid manner.

Alice squeezes my hand gently and continues, "After that he avoided Victoria at all costs. He moved to London and focused on our investments much to father's chagrin. I asked him why he didn't go after you, why he didn't divorce Victoria. He said he didn't deserve you any longer, that he wanted you to find happiness with someone better, braver than him."

Edward had always been so hard on his judgement of himself. I suspected his father's harsh words and constant disapproval had shaped Edwards view of himself in a negative way. Lord Carlisle was hard man of restrictive views and as far as I remembered he would always make Edward feel especially inferior.

"Months went by, and one day Victoria turned up on Edward's doorstep. She was breeding," Alice startles me from my thoughts with the shocking revelation.

"Edward and Victoria have a child?" my voice is breaking, tears spilling from my eyes at the image Alice has painted. No wonder he never went after me, no wonder he staid by Victoria's side.

Alice shakes her head and I blink the tears away.

"No, Bella. They never had a child."

"What do you mean? You just said—"

"I know what I said. I never said she gave birth to the babe."

"Oh," I reply numbly. I don't know what to say to that.

"Edward tolerated Victoria's presence for the sake of his child. However, Victoria insisted in inserting herself in Edward's life more than he was ready to accept. She kept badgering and pushing for his attentions. On a particular occasion, close to Victoria's time, they engaged in an argument. I'm not certain of the details, but as they yelled Edward descended the stairs of his house, to leave I guess. Victoria followed and fell."

"Oh my God," I gasp, covering my mouth with a hand, lest a sob escapes me.

"It was so bloody," Alice whispers, tears stain her face now as well. "When I arrived to the house Edward was pacing his study. He looked as despaired as the day you left. We waited and waited until the surgeon descended the stairs and informed us that the baby had been stillborn. She didn't survive."

"It was a girl?"

Alice nods and I sob as she hugs me. I sob for Edward's broken heart, I sob for the life of a child I never met and the life that I wished for and wasn't. It's such a tragedy. Such an unnecessary tragedy.

"Hush! It was a long time ago, Bella."

I lift my face from Alice's shoulder and ask her about what happened afterwards.

"Edward was guilt-ridden, as you may have guessed. He's always been too good at placing the blame at his doorstep. Victoria was grief-stricken. For a while it seemed as she would lose her mind. After, when she recovered, she begged Edward to move to the country with her, to Masen House. He consented more out of guilt than anything. They lived together there for a couple of years, and I honestly think he tried to love Victoria. But Edward's heart wasn't in it, and Victoria could tell.

"She started pushing for more than he could give again, making demands, bringing up time and time again Edward's alleged part in Elizabeth's death."

"Her name was Elizabeth? Edward's daughter?"

"Yes, she was so precious Bella. I saw her before the doctor wrapped her in a blanket. She had red hair and such pretty features. She would have been beautiful. And in spite of the circumstances of her conception, I know she would have been loved."

I have no doubts Edward would have loved his daughter.

"Finally," Alice continues, "He grew tired of it. He asked Victoria the divorce. Promised she would be looked after, but begged her, for both their sanities, to free him. That night Victoria slit her wrists."

"What?" I cry.

"She lived," Alice says before I can say another word. "However, she holds a rope against Edward's neck made out of guilt and threats. Edward lives in London most of the year, but he dares not leave Victoria for good. I know he doesn't want another death on his shoulders, and Victoria uses this fact."

I'm torn between feeling sorry for Victoria and wanting to kill her myself.

"So you see, things are not quite as simple as a divorce. I don't know what my brother intends, but even if he manages to convince Victoria to divorce him, things won't be easy for either of you."

**-x-X-x-**

When I leave Alice's townhouse it's pouring outside. A climate that matches the current state of my feelings. I'm about to order the coachman to take me to my father's house when I see _him_.

Edward is in his coach, across the street. His dark gaze fixed on me. I want to run to him, to kiss him and promise him that all will be all right. I want to slap him for all the hurt he has caused me and continues to cause. I want to do so many things. Instead I break away from his eyes and order my coachman to leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I researched divorce back then and apparently in America you could divorce –though very few actually went through with it—for a number or reasons such as: infidelity, abandonment, and extreme cruelty, inebriation and impotence. It was difficult to get a Divorce but not impossible and not as hard as it was to get one in England where the only acceptable causes were infidelity and extreme cruelty.
> 
> Um… so what do we think about Edward now?
> 
> BTW I apparently cannot grasp the meaning of drabble-ish. This was meant to be drabble-ish *facepalm*


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: These characters are the sole property of Stephenie Meyer. I am just messing around with them.
> 
> A/N I don't have a pre-reader or a Beta or anything of the sort. All mistakes are mine and mine alone.

**A Love So Beautiful**

**London, England 1894**

"Miss," our butler greets as I walk into the foyer. I'm still rattled by my conversation with Alice and by Edward's presence across the street. Was he following me? Was he there to see, Alice? Does he know by now what Alice confessed to me?

Millions of questions swirl in my mind, and I feel suddenly exhausted.

"Please ask Bessie to set a tea service for me in my parlour," I request Mr Banner, our butler.

"Of course, miss," he replies, bowing his head and walking towards the kitchen. I am so focused in my thoughts I don't notice anything out of the ordinary until I'm overwhelmed by the strong scent of roses as I open the door to my parlour.

Hundreds of red roses are littered across the room. I gasp as I see them. They are beautiful and so many, it takes me aback.

"They arrived this morning, Miss," says Bessie, who is standing behind me with a tray.

"Who are they from?" I whisper, still in shock.

Bessie walks into the room and I follow. She sets the tray over a table and walks up to me holding a card out.

"They came with this card, Miss. Mr Banner and I were so shocked when the delivery boys brought them over. I've never seen so many flowers in one place!"

I only nod, still speechless by the sheer amount of flowers cluttering the room. I read the card in a daze.

_You're in my thoughts every day._

_I never let you go._

_You're in my heart every day._

_Love_

It doesn't have a signature, but it doesn't need one. I recognize Edward's handwriting immediately.

"This must have cost a small fortune, miss! Mr Peter must really love you. I've never seen a man spend so much money on a lady!" Bessie continues, gushing. Of course, she assumes the flowers are from Peter. He's after all courting me. No one would suspect that these flowers are from a very much married man that should know better.

The card isn't signed and I'm guessing he was discreet enough to avoid a scandal. Still, it's such a great risk for me to accept such expensive gift from him and he knows this. It's like he's purposefully taunting Peter and my father, who will have much to say about this.

I sigh as I take a seat, suddenly feeling the weight of the situation. There's no way Peter and father won't learn of this. Even if I ask Bessie to throw all the flowers immediately, Mr Banner or Bessie will comment about them. I can request Bessie's discretion but Mr Banner's loyalties lie with my father not with me.

This is such a mess.

There's a traitorous part of me who is rejoicing in Edward's gift and words. I try to squash this part of me constantly but I can't seem to make it see reason. _This is so dangerous,_ my conscience says. _This is so exciting_ , the romantic in me replies. I wish I could smack some sense into the romantic in me.

"Would you like anything else?" Bessie enquires once she has the tea set up.

"Only that no one disturbs me. I have some correspondence I need to reply to."

"Of course, miss," Bessie replies diligently and leaves the room.

I run to my desk, grab a piece of paper and start writing.

_Edward,_

_While I appreciate the gesture behind the flowers I ask you to please stop this madness._

_Need I remind you that you are a married man? Nothing good will come of these games you're playing and I'm the one who has the most to lose. Please cease with the gifts, notes and the surprise visits before we are hurt yet again._

_B_

I don't sign my full name in case this note falls in the wrong hands. I seal the note and call for a footboy, hoping this note is enough to stop Edward's attempts to contact me, knowing it won't stop him if he's determined to win me over.

**-x-X-x-**

When I greet Peter the next day I'm sure he has somehow heard of Edward's roses. All of them are in the rooms upstairs, but I don't doubt my father has already informed him of them.

Father was not amused when he learned it wasn't Peter who sent the roses, and was even less pleased to learn that Edward had paid me a visit. If it weren't for aunt Leah's intervention I'm almost certain my father would have challenged Edward to a duel over the roses he sent me.

I am an unmarried lady, an American at that. My actions are even more scrutinized than those of a proper English lady, my father almost yelled at aunt Leah when she was trying to convince him not to kill Edward. Father never yells.

I've received no response to my note so far, and although that should encourage me to think Edward will respect my wishes and keep his distance from me, in reality it only adds to my anxiety.

"I don't come bearing extravagant gifts like your other suitors. I hope that is okay with you," Peter says in a sarcastic tone I do not appreciate.

I narrow my eyes at him and signal a couch for him to take a seat.

"You act as if I'm encouraging his attentions. I thought you knew me better than that," I whisper in a tight voice as I take a seat across from him.

Peter takes a deep shuddering breath as if he was trying to calm himself.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I do know you have no fault in this situation. I just had a very unpleasant encounter with your friend at the gentleman's club I attend and I'm still a bit too rattled."

"You talked to him?" I cry out in shock.

"Before you scold me for seeking him out, I didn't. He was there before I arrived. Apparently, he owns the club."

"He owns the club you attend?" I ask dumbly.

"Seemingly, it's a recent purchase. I would not put him past him to have bought the facility solely to spite me though. He seemed very amused by my reaction when I learned he was not there as a member but as the owner, overseeing business."

"Edward is not that petty," I defend him quickly, much too quickly which does not go unnoticed by Peter who practically glares at me.

"The Edward you met all those years ago might have not been malicious but the man I met today was certainly out for blood. Mine to be exact."

"Don't be ridiculous!" I say without thinking.

"Ridiculous?" Peter almost growls. "He greeted me as if I was his oldest friend, invited me to join me at his table, then proceeded to direct comments at me of a very belligerent nature. The antagonism was veiled but anyone could see clearly that he was issuing a challenge. He practically announced that he was interested in you and would stop at nothing to get you. He didn't say it in so many words, but I was able to read his intent clear as day."

I huff in exasperation. "Peter, I think you're biased and seeing more into Edward's words than there is. I already asked him to stay away from me, and it seems that is his intention. I have not received any communication from him since the flowers arrived."

"Bella, you're being naïve if you think he will stop pursuing you simply because you asked him nicely. Like I told you before, if it were me and I had some hope you would reciprocate my feelings, nothing would stop me."

"Peter, please," I plead taking one of Peter's hands in mine. "I came here to close this chapter in my life once and for all. I want to learn to care about you in a way I can agree to marry you one day, but I can't if you keep focusing in the past when I'm trying to move past it."

Peter squeezes my hand lightly, and I know he's still the same friend I relied upon when I was in the Vineyard. He will try on my behalf.

"I cannot promise I will not react if he tests my patience again, Bella. He wants a reaction out of me. I don't know what his game is but he definitely wants you back."

"Peter," I start, instilling as much determination into my voice as I could muster. "Edward made his choice years ago. I gave him ample opportunity to balk and marry me instead of Victoria. He has had to suffer the consequences of his choices. I am making my choices now. I want to give myself a chance to be happy, and I truly believe that if anyone could make me fall in love again it's you. You're my best friend now. He can't do anything to change my mind. He's a married man. We'll stay for a few months, and when we return to America with father and mother, you'll see I'll be able to forget about this whole episode in my life in a way I could not before."

"I really hope you're correct, Bella. I know you're not ready for me to say aloud how I feel about you. I just hope you can feel for me half of what I feel for you once you free yourself from the ghosts of the past."

I let go of Peter's hand and smile tentatively at him. He has hinted in several occasions that he feels strongly towards me. I'm flattered by his feelings for me, even a bit excited about the idea of someone as kind and handsome as Peter caring for me in that way. However, I'm scared as well. Peter has already endured more pain than he deserved. Maria shattered his heart. It took him years to overcome the heartache and learn to trust again. I cannot betray his trust and friendship.

"I can only promise that I will try," I reply honestly.

"Very well, I'm tired of this subject," Peter says effectively changing the course of our conversation. "I know that you missed your friends from your time in London. Luckily, I managed to secure an invitation for tomorrow's ball at the Marquess de Vere's residence. I'm told he holds the best balls in town."

I'm suddenly excited by the prospect of a night out dancing. If there was one thing I always enjoyed in London was the entertainment. New York is never lacking in entertainment, but there is something about a London ball during the season that could not be duplicated no matter how hard the New York society tried.

"That sounds lovely," I say sincerely. It is very thoughtful of Peter to consider a ball amongst the turmoil Edward has managed to cause in recent days.

"I will be escorting you of course; sadly your father was most adamant that your aunt should accompany us."

I smile. Peter is not very amused with how restrictive the rules of etiquette and propriety are in London compared to those of New York.

"I suspect Alice will be in attendance as well. She confessed to me that she's attending as many balls as she can manage before she has to enter her confinement."

"I hope she is. I've been looking forward to meeting this Alice I've heard so much about. She sounds like my type of people, not afraid to say what she really thinks."

I have to grin at that. It's true. If there's one thing Peter and Alice have in common is their uncanny ability to let you know exactly what they truly think about you and still be polite about it.

"I think you're going to adore her," I say with a smile on my face.

**-x-X-x-**

It feels like old times when Peter, aunt Leah and me walk into Lord de Vere's ballroom. I immediately spot Alice and her husband in a corner of the room talking animatedly with a woman I recognise as Lady de Vere. I smile at her when she sees me and direct Peter and aunt Leah towards where Alice is standing.

"Alice," I greet her as we reach her. She hugs me tightly to her small frame and I sigh in contentment. Alice is one of the closest friends I have, and in spite of the time we've been apart being around her feels like home to me.

"Alice, this is Mr Peter Rothschild," I introduce my best friends to each other. Peter as per usual uses all the tricks he has under his sleeve to charm Alice silly.

I see Jasper standing by Alice smiling adoringly at her and I can't help the surge of happiness I feel for my friend as introductions are made. At least Alice got her happy ending in the end.

"Mr Rothschild," Alice giggles. "I can see why our Bella here allows you to court her. You're a charmer. I'll bet you left many broken hearts back in America."

"I would not presume such feat," Peter replies in what I think is an attempt at modesty.

Aunt Leah scoffs and Alice snickers at the gesture that clearly denies Peter's statement.

"This young man has broken so many hearts across the East coast I've lost count," aunt Leah states matter-of-factly.

I feel a sense of rightness as my past and present meet and seem to like each other. I don't know yet if my courtship with Peter will prosper and eventually lead to marriage, but I can't help but smile at Alice's obvious approval of Peter in my life. She only wants my happiness, and I know she'll accept anyone who brings me joy after what I went through for her brother in the past.

Alice pushes me towards a corner not far from where Peter and Jasper are now engaged in a discussion about Peter business in railroads.

"He's so handsome," she gushes. I nod. Peter is beautiful inside and out.

"You seem happy with him. Does he make you happy, Bella?" Alice questions, true interest plastered in her features.

"He does. He's patient and understands me better than anyone. He's my best friend," I state firmly, trying to convey Peter's importance in my life in recent years. "He saved me from myself when I was at my worst, Alice."

"I can imagine," she says quietly, her eyes full of sadness for the pain I endured years ago.

"Well, if he makes you happy there's nothing I can do but give you my felicitations. I hope he fills the void my brother left behind, and then some. You deserve happiness, Bella."

"Thank you," I reply with earnest gratitude.

"I believe I owe you a dance," Peter says interrupting us.

"You do?" I inquire coyly.

"Most certainly. I avowed that I would dance with the most beautiful woman in all of England on this night. Therefore, I must dance with you. There's no one lovelier than you tonight."

"Only tonight?" I tease, giggling.

"Always," Peter replies with a solemn expression as if he were declaring some deep and sacred truth. The seriousness of his expression is broken by the way he winks at me playfully, which only makes me laugh loudly at his antics.

He offers his hand and I allow him to lead me towards the dance floor.

**-x-X-x-**

I'm standing with Alice in a corner. Aunt Leah is speaking to a few matrons not far from me and Jasper and Peter are playing cards in the card room when Alice gasps.

"What is the matter?" I ask, worried it is something to do with her delicate condition.

" _He_ came," she hisses behind her fan. Her eyes are throwing daggers at someone behind me. I don't need any type of confirmation from her to guess who the _he_ she's referring to is.

"He never attends balls. Never! Why is _he_ here? Oh, I'm going to have some words with him," Alice whispers, her voice full of ire.

Before I'm able to formulate any sort of response I can feel him behind me. His presence is magnetic. Like a cord of energy exists between us that crackles whenever we are in proximity of each other. My breathing is suddenly ragged, my hands trembling.

"Alice," he greets in that velvet voice that caresses my entire body every time he utters a word.

I turn and face him. His eyes are dark, the deepest green, like moss. He's looking at me with purpose. I know he's not here coincidentally.

"Edward," Alice practically growls.

"Miss Swan," he says as he bows and ignores Alice.

"Lord Cullen," I greet him with a curtsey. It's odd to have to be formal with someone who owns your soul so wholly.

"I thought we would not be graced with your presence this evening, brother dear. You're not usually at these events," Alice says with palpable animosity.

"Lord de Vere is a very good friend of mine, Alice. He was most insistent that I attend this evening. One cannot slight good friends, don't you agree?"

"Most assuredly. One should never slight good friends," Alice replies, her eyes narrowed. "I would like to have a word with you brother if you can spare me a moment."

"Of course, sister. As soon as I escort Miss Swan back to you. I must rob you of her company for a moment. It has been years since we last danced," he responds, smiling that wicked grin he usually reserved for when he was planning some mischief.

"Would you do me the honour of granting me the next dance, Miss Swan?" he enquires, offering his hand.

Before I even have time to reply he grabs one of my hands in his and practically drags me to the dance floor. To my utter despair the next piece is a waltz, and as soon as the first notes start playing I'm forced to stand much too close to Edward's body. Much too close.

"Do you remember how to waltz?" Edward questions. He's smiling crookedly and I can't help my blushing. I look away before I'm able to face him again. I place my hands in his as he snakes his arm around my waist. I'm determined to not play his games.

"I remember how to waltz. We are not savages in America. We waltz in New York as well. In fact, it's a favourite dance of Peter and me."

Edward's eyes darken and I can see the fury brewing behind them. He doesn't like the idea of Peter and me dancing so close to each other.

We start moving with the song. My breath catches when Edward brings my body closer to him, almost too close to be proper.

"Please keep your distance," I whisper, trying to move away from him.

"I can't stay away from you," he says and I know he's not talking about dancing.

"You must," I reply simply, my voice is not as strong as I would hope.

"I tried. For years I tried to leave you alone. I'm tired of trying," he states as we twirl around the dance floor.

Edward used to be an efficient dancer when we were younger. He seems to have perfected his technique with the years and now he's superb. I can feel the eyes of the crowd around us as they admire us from afar. We must be a sight.

I can feel Edward's hand in my lower back. His fingers move inconspicuously, but I feel them as if they were branding me with fire with each stroke.

"Why do you torture me so? Nothing will come of this, Edward. You're married and I will not agree to be your mistress," I plead.

His hand wraps around my hand tightly, almost too tightly. Our eyes lock and it's like the world ceases to exist. It's only the two of us in this ballroom.

"I would never insult you with such request," Edward susurrates. "You're much too precious to me. You're my life, Bella. I want my life back."

I only realize the song is over when Edward stops, and guides me back to Alice and my aunt who looks thoroughly annoyed.

"We need to talk in private," Edward whispers in my ear before we reach them. "Meet me at the library in ten minutes." We have been in Lord de Vere's house before so I know which library he means. We used to hide in that library when we grew bored during a ball in the past.

He dares me to say no with his eyes, but I will not. I must convince him to stop before he incenses Peter enough for him to do something drastic. I do not want them to fight for me. I nod as he places my hand on my aunt Leah's waiting hand.

**-x-X-x-**

"Edward!" I whisper-yell as I walk into Lord de Vere's darkened library. The only source of light in the room is the fire crackling on the hearth

I managed to escaped Alice and aunt Leah's watchful gazes, but it won't be long before they start looking for me.

I'm about to leave when I feel a hand wrap around my wrist and pull me inside.

Suddenly, I'm against the door, and the door is closed. I can see his eyes, blazing. He's studying me, drinking me in. I'm mesmerized by the brilliancy of his beauty, to which I'm not immune, even after all these years.

We are quiet. Only the sound of our agitated breathing seems to invade the room. He lowers his head and I stop breathing completely. His nose nuzzles mine, and before I know what or how this came to be, his lips descend on mine.

After all these years trying to convince myself that I do not love him anymore, that he killed every ounce of my love for him when he refused to run away with me, this kiss, this kiss shatters all of my efforts. I moan and his tongue enters my mouth and meets mine in a sensuous dance.

It's startling how much my soul craves for his taste. His wet, warm, delicious mouth is all I can focus in. After years of feeling empty I feel so full, full of warmth and a passion I long thought extinguished.

Edward lifts me as if I weight the same as a feather and pushes me higher against the door. I hold onto a bookcase nearby, looking for something to hold me to earth as Edward consumes me.

I feel my entire body trembling with desire as Edward's hands explore the rest of my body. His big hands caress my bodice, my clavicle, my neck, my jaw, the rise of my bosom and the exposed skin over my cleavage. I'm on fire, burning from the inside, my conscience nothing but ashes on the back of my mind.

"My Bella," Edward moans against my mouth. His voice brings me back from the daze that surrounds me. I push him away and he stumbles a bit dropping me.

He's still stunned, a few paces away from me as I straighten myself.

"I'm not yours! You're Victoria's, remember?" I growl in anger. Anger at myself mostly, for surrendering to Edward's kiss so easily.

He walks towards me but I stop him with a gesture of my hand.

"Do not come near me, I can't think straight when you're near me."

"Bella," he says again, his voice full of emotion.

"Please, Edward. We need to talk and I cannot talk to you rationally when you're near me. I need to have some modicum of distance from you to clear my thoughts."

He doesn't say anything but respects my wishes and keeps his distance as I press myself harder against the door, seriously considering an escape.

"Why are you doing this?" I ask, not for the first time.

"I told you why. For years I convinced myself to let you go. My life was too complicated. Tragedy after tragedy chased after me for years. I told myself I was cursed, doomed to walk this earth alone, without you. And then I saw you, and it was as if my soul had returned to my body. Do you have any idea how empty I felt all these years without you?"

"Of course I have an idea," I yell without considering the very real possibility that we may be overheard. "I loved you, Edward! You were my entire life. Do you know that I almost killed myself the day I received your letter? The only letter that found its way to me? Peter saved me. I jumped from a boulder into the freezing ocean and Peter rescued me from myself in more ways than one. So do not talk to me of pain. Do not talk to me of feeling empty, because I've experienced it all, and it almost killed me."

Tears are streaming down my face. Edward is crying as well, not a sight I can say I was prepared for.

"I didn't know," he whispers.

"No one does, only Peter knows what I did."

"I'm so sorry, Bella."

"Too little, too late, Edward. I'm trying to move on. I didn't make the crossing for you. I made the crossing for myself. I needed to face the demons of my past before I could give my heart to Peter completely."

"Do you love him?" Edward questions. I can hear the heartbreak in his voice at the possibility that I might love another. I could lie, convince him that I love Peter the way I should, enough to marry him. But something in me keeps me from lying to Edward.

"I love him, but not as much as I loved you."

"Loved?"

"Love, present tense. I still love you, Edward, but that doesn't change anything. You're still married, and I'm still going to marry Peter someday."

"It changes everything," he whispers. He tries to walk towards me again but I stop him with a hard look.

"It changes nothing," I say in a firm tone.

"Bella," he rakes his hair nervously with his fingers, and habit of his when he's agitated or nervous. "Things are different now. I have a lot of power. The kind I didn't have when we were younger. And I'm not referring to the money alone. I know Alice told you about my past. I'm no fool, Bella. I know I've caused you a great deal of pain, and I know I don't deserve you. However, I can't seem to make myself let you go. No matter the years or the distance between us, you're always with me. You know why I named my daughter Elizabeth?"

I shake my head. Elizabeth is a common enough name in England. It didn't draw my attention when Alice told me Edward's daughter was named Elizabeth.

"Isabella is the Italian version of the name Elizabeth. I named my daughter after the one woman I've loved in all my life. I named her after you."

I gasp, taken aback by Edward's confession. He thought of me, even in such painful time in his life?

"You see, Bella. No matter what I do, it always leads back to you. No matter what I'm doing or who I'm with, no matter if I'm happy or at hell's door, you're always there. I can't live without you. And if I have to move heaven and earth to have you by my side, I will. I've learned from my mistakes and I'm stronger because of them."

"No, I can't. I…Peter, we—" I ramble, too stunned by Edward's words to utter a logical response.

"Peter can go to hell!" Edward exclaims. He takes a deep breath as if calming himself before continuing. "I appreciate everything he has done for you, Bella. But you cannot tie your life to someone for the wrong reasons. Gratitude and friendship are not good enough reasons to marry. Trust me, if there's something I've learned is that the only reason worth marrying is love."

"What do you suggest then? That I become your mistress?" I hiss.

"I have a plan in motion. You have to trust me not to disrespect you like that. Soon things will be clearer and I'll be in a position to offer you more. I just need you to wait. Do not marry that American until I can set everything in motion to divorce Victoria."

"I can't. I've waited too long. I promised Peter I would give him a chance," I say, shaking my head, trying to deny even the smallest possibility that Edward and I can be together. I cannot allow myself to hope again. I cannot betray Peter's trust in this way.

Edward walks towards me and I stiffen. However, instead of kissing me again, he opens the door beside me and gazes down at me for a long moment before he places a kiss on my forehead.

"Please, wait for me. It'll just be a bit longer," he whispers and with those words he leaves me. I'm stunned, confused and scared. I don't know exactly what Edward has in mind to force Victoria to divorce him. However, if there's any truth behind the rumours of his ruthlessness and determination, I can only hope it's nothing that could potentially destroy us.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, sorry updates have slowed down this week. I needed a mental break. I have some important exams in October so I anticipate once a week updates—twice a week if it's a good week— until exams are over. Sorry but I hope you understand exams are important, right? I'll try to make each chapter worth your while though. :D
> 
> Thanks for reading :)


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: These characters are the sole property of Stephenie Meyer. I am just messing around with them.
> 
> A/N I don't have a pre-reader or a Beta or anything of the sort. All mistakes are mine and mine alone.

**A Love So Beautiful**

**London, England 1894**

My lips are still tingling as we ride towards the townhouse. I know that my aunt and Peter are gazing at me worriedly, but I can't bring myself to reassure them. I can't lie to them and tell them I'm feeling quite well while my mind is tormented by the memory of a kiss that shouldn't have been.

Why does he torment me so? Doesn't he know how frail my resolve is when I'm around him? I wish, not for the first time, that there was a way to block the effect Edward's presence has on me.

I close my eyes. I'm so easily flustered by his touch, his lips on mine. I completely forgot myself in Lord de Vere's library. I didn't stop to think of my own reputation, of the consequences my indiscretion could bring to my family, I didn't think of Peter.

Peter, who deserves more than I can give him, who at the very least deserves my loyalty. I'm so disgusted with myself.

"Bella, darling," my aunt says in a wary tone. I turn to face her and she studies me carefully. She must sense there's something wrong with me.

"Yes," I respond, noticing for the first time that we have stopped.

"We've arrived," she announces with a comforting smile. "Peter asked me if I could give him a few minutes alone with you. I know is not conventional here to leave a girl unchaperoned with a man, but I trust Peter. So I'll step outside and wait for you in the foyer. It's that all right with you?"

I look at Peter and note for the first time that he has been much too serious and quiet during our ride. I was so distracted though, I might have missed him announcing he's to become the next King of England and not have realised it.

I nod and my aunt squeezes my hand before she descends the coach.

Peter and I are alone, and he's looking at me as if I were some puzzle he needs to decipher.

"What happened at the ball?" he questions without preamble. "You were enjoying yourself and then you disappeared for a few minutes only to return this way."

"What way?" I ask, trying to gauge how much he has guessed.

"Distracted. Only your body is here, Bella. Your mind is miles away, and you seem preoccupied, troubled. What's the matter?"

"Nothing," I lie. Peter shakes his head and rises only to sit himself next to me. He gathers my gloved hands in his and fixes me with his eyes.

"Please don't lie to me, Bella. I know something is troubling you. I can't help you if you don't tell me what it is."

I want to confide in Peter so badly. He has been my only friend thus far, but I recoil from the idea of hurting him. And deep down I know my words have the power to hurt him. I know he's hoping that this trip will help erase the memory of Edward from my heart; much like his time in the Vineyard helped him forget about his time with Maria. I don't believe it will be as simple as that though.

I gulp and reveal as much from my quandary as I can without hurting him.

"Edward and I had some words at the ball."

Peter's eyes narrow but he lets me continue without interrupting me.

"He insists in pursuing me, it seems. I asked him to cease with whatever game or plan he might be concocting but I didn't manage to convince him. I don't want to cause a scandal nor do I want to complicate matters for father or drag you into this situation. I'm afraid Edward will try to do something foolish to rid himself of his wife in hopes that I will take him again."

"Perhaps it is time for your father and me to intervene?" Peter offers in a tight voice that oozes the annoyance that I can see reflected in his eyes. He clearly wishes he could throttle Edward or worst, shoot him.

I sigh; this is precisely why I didn't want to discuss this situation with him. However, I'm running out of options and I'm more and more afraid that I'll throw caution to the wind and accept Edward's advances. I can only have so much self-control after all the years I've been starving for Edward's affections.

"I don't wish for father to involve himself in this matter if possible. He's much too hot-headed and he'll surely challenge Edward to a duel if he irritates him. I am loathe of asking this of you, but maybe you could request an audience with Edward and ask him, as a gentleman and my intended, to stop his pursue of me. I trust you'll have the level-headedness necessary to deal with him without starting gossip?" I say the last part as a question, because truth be told I'm not certain Peter will not challenge Edward to a duel himself if provoked.

"I will do my very best. Still you must understand that I will do what needs to be done to keep that man as far away from you as possible. Like you once said, he made his choices and now he must deal with the consequences. I will not let him drag you into a scandalous affair, not only because you are my dearest friend but… but because I love you."

I feel a pinch of pain as my heart and mind absorb Peter's words. He has never spoken them. He has showed me with his actions that his care for me goes further than friendship. Vainly, I hoped that he hadn't fallen in love with me. Misery fills me as I realise, quite dejectedly, that as much as I wish I could, I do not return the sentiment. I love Peter, but as a brother, a friend, nothing more.

"I don't expect you to reciprocate the feeling, yet," Peter reassures me as he gently caresses my cheek with the back of his hand. "I have enough patience to wait for you. You're worth waiting for."

He places a gentle, soft kiss on my lips and I swallow back the tears that are threatening to escape from my eyes. I'm not as optimistic as Peter seems to be about me ever forgetting Edward.

I close my eyes as Peter deepens the kiss. It's a bittersweet experience. Peter is a skilful kisser, coaxing a moan of pleasure from me as his tongue explores my mouth most thoroughly. I could come to care for him deeply. I could come to relish the idea of being in his arms, in his bed, as his wife, for if his kisses are any indication he must also be a most practised lover. However, there's something missing, a spark of something in my heart, in my soul. A something that only Edward's kisses and caresses seem to ignite in my body.

Gently, our lips part and Peter smiles crookedly, his eyes hooded with passion.

"I must leave," he whispers as he places a gentle kiss on the tip of my nose.

He helps me out of the coach and kisses the back of my gloved hand.

"Please leave this matter in my hands. I will make sure that man doesn't disturb you anymore."

I nod, hopeful that he can manage to coax Edward out of his foolhardy schemes. Schemes that will most likely break our hearts all over again.

My aunt is waiting for me in the foyer as she said she would. She doesn't ask me any questions. Only offers me a smile and hugs me tightly before she leaves me to my troubled thoughts.

**-x-X-x-**

A couple of days after Lord de Vere's ball, I'm penning a couple of letters to a few friends in America when Mr Banner interrupts me.

"Miss, sorry to disturb you. But there's a Lady Victoria Cullen here to see you and she's most insistent that you receive her. She said it was an urgent matter."

I am utterly shocked by Mr Banner's announcement. Victoria is here to see me? What could she possibly have to discuss with me after so many years? I realise if there's something Victoria and I have in common is Edward. I'm gripped with anxiety. I don't want to speak with the woman who stole away my life with her titles. I don't want to face the woman who has shared Edward's bed and carried his child when I should have been the one to do all those things. I don't want to see Edward's ring on her finger or treat her pleasantly when all I wish is for her to be as far away from me as possible.

Suddenly, I realise I don't have to. She's not friend of mine, nor is her family friend or associate to my father. I don't have to receive her if I don't wish to.

"Please tell Lady Cullen I'm not receiving visitors at the time. No matter the urgency of their business," I order Mr Banner in a cold, decisive tone.

Mr Banner leaves me only to return a few moments later with a very distressed-looking Victoria in tow.

"I'm so sorry Miss. She threatened to create a scandal if you would not receive her. I turned but a moment to ask the valet to forcefully take her outside if need be and she was already walking towards the parlour," Mr Banner tries to justify Victoria's presence before me.

I square my shoulders and nod. "It doesn't matter, Mr Banner. See to it that Bessie brings us a tray of tea and scones. Lady Cullen looks like she could use a bit of sugary treats."

A frazzled Mr Banner leaves me alone with my archenemy, the one woman I could have lived without ever laying my eyes upon her visage again.

She looks as lovely as she ever did. Her read hair in a delicate coiffure that gives her an air of elegance she lacked before. She looks older, older than her twenty two years. I suppose the loss of her daughter and subsequent melancholy must have left a mark in her features as well as her heart. She eyes me from head to toe as if she were trying to gauge my worth from my appearance.

I clear my throat to draw her eyes to my face and address her in my most polite tone, "To what do I owe the pleasure of your visit, Lady Cullen?" It irks me to no end to have to refer to her as Edward's wife but I will not give her the satisfaction of knowing how much I loathe her presence before me.

"Please spare me the pleasantries," she replies in a bitter tone as she stalks towards me and plants herself much too close to me for my liking. "I've come to warn you to stay away from my husband, you trollop!"

I blink, confused by Victoria's antagonism. Never before as she ever treated anyone with anything but politeness. Never in the past did she treat me badly, even though I always suspected she knew of my infatuation with Edward. I knew she saw me as competition in the past, and I knew that was the main reason she told me of the engagement as soon as her father revealed it was a done deal. She wanted to hurt me, I know this now in perspective. However, to openly accuse me of anything as outrageous and scandalous as pursuing her husband, and in my house!

"I bid you to have care with how you address me. I may not be of noble blood as your _ladyship_ , but I'm a lady nonetheless. Do not presume that you can walk into my house throwing threats and insults and putting my staff in a very uncomfortable position," I respond, adding enough animosity and contempt in my voice for her to understand I'm not to be trifled with.

"Oh, you've found your spine, I see!" She replies, her voice derisive and loaded with disgust. "You weren't so bold when I swept the rug from under your feet and won Edward for me."

"You did not win Edward," I exclaim in anger. "You had your father push your suit down Lord Cullen's throat. You forced yourself into Edward's life making use of his sense of duty and loyalty towards his family. You've won nothing, Victoria, but a man who despises you and has no more interest in you that he has in a stranger off the street."

I don't know what has possessed me to rile Victoria in such way but I'm tired of being make less by the aristocracy of this country. My great-grandfather may have been poor as a beggar but at least my father's money comes from his own wit and hard work, not at the expense of other people's work. She's no better than me. In fact, she's less. She's not worthy of scraping dirt from my mother's shoe. She's a brat, a conceited, entitled brat.

Victoria's eyes widen and I can almost see smoke coming out of her ears. It's rather comical if I'm being honest.

"How dare you! You insolent American harlot! Don't you know your place? My family can be traced back to William the Conqueror! Your great-grandfather was a butcher!"

"A very good butcher, he had the very best meat in all Ireland!" I reply with a sardonic smile plastered on my lips. "If I remember correctly, William the Conqueror was a bastard. At least my great-grandfather was legitimate."

Victoria screams, a sort of animalistic noise I never expected to come out from inside a girl who just stated she is related to royalty.

Bessie chooses that moment to enter the parlour carrying a tray. She looks at me questioningly, her eyes full of fright. I'm almost certain she's about to call for the help of mad house officials. Victoria looks positively deranged, but she doesn't scare me.

"Thank you, Bessie. Please leave us alone and see that we're not disturbed," I indicate to my maid as she gingerly places the tea service over a table.

Bessie hesitates for a few moments, but I reassure her with my eyes and bid her to leave with a tilt of my head.

"Victoria," I say in a calmer tone once we are alone again. "I don't have all day, and as much as I find your antics entertaining I much rather cut this meeting short. What makes you think I have any interest in your husband? You may not know this but I'm being courted by an American businessman. I don't need your scraps."

"Don't you dare play coy with me, Isabella Swan! I know what your true purpose is by coming back to England. Edward has given me an ultimatum. He wants me to request the divorce! He said he would give me all the proof I need and would help me or he would request it himself. I don't know what you've promised him or what you've given him for him to risk a scandal of that magnitude, but I will not let you have him! I rather die than see you married to Edward. He's mine!"

I'm confused by Victoria's accusation. Edward said he would give her all the elements she would need to divorce him? Edward gave her the choice to request the divorce herself and be the victim in the scandal that would surely ensue? What is his plan? I don't understand Edward's convoluted machinations but I don't appreciate being dragged into Edward and Victoria's spousal problems.

"Believe what you will, Lady Cullen. Like I've told you, I have no interest in your scraps. Please leave and never return."

I'll have to talk to Edward one last time, so that he can clarify exactly what he is concocting. I hate the idea of being blindsided when I'm unwittingly being pushed into this mess.

"Do you know that he likes it when I ride him?" Victoria says after I turn my back to her. My whole body stiffens. I may be an innocent but I know enough, thanks to Alice and her confidences, to know what she's referring to.

I face Victoria again, ready to send her to Hades, but she speaks before I can utter a word.

"He likes it when I scream his name while I ride him. He enjoys himself more when I'm on top and he can worship my whole body. He caresses me so tenderly when we're together like that. He's so, so deep inside me when I'm on top. If feels as if we're a single body, moving together, coming together into blissful glory."

Alice told me he hasn't seen Victoria in almost a whole year. That he ignores her, acts as if she doesn't exist. I should not let Victoria's words rattle me so. Yet, I can't erase the picture she has just painted from my mind. I see him and her. Naked, writhing in bed together, and I feel sick.

I want to die. I want to kill Victoria, because even though she may very well be lying and he hasn't touched her in years, as Alice presumes. She knows what is like to be connected to him in that way. She was pregnant with his child. She had a part of him inside her and it kills me. It kills me that I want what she's had so badly, when I shouldn't want anything from Edward.

I don't allow myself to show her how deeply she has cut me though. I put on my best mask of indifference and I say in a strong, steady voice, "And you accuse me of being a trollop. I'm a lady, _Lady Cullen._ A concept you don't seem to grasp if you're willing to share such intimacies with a practical stranger. May you have a good day." I signal the door with my hand, willing her to leave immediately.

At last, Victoria seems to understand there's nothing left to be said and walks towards the door. Before departing though, she manages to spew some more venom, "I swear to you. I will see him dead before I see him standing by your side as your husband."

I crumble in a chair as soon as she walks out, worn by the confrontation.

**-x-X-x-**

Several hours later I'm still sitting in the same chair I sunk into after Victoria's departure. I'm absentmindedly gazing at the wall, lost in thought, when Bessie announces Peter's arrival.

He takes one look at me and instinctively knows something is wrong.

"Bella, Mr Banner says you had a visitor this afternoon. Who was the woman who managed to unnerve that man so? I was under the impression he was made of stone. What is the matter, sweetheart?" Peter says in a rush as he takes a seat in a loveseat across from me.

I feel a tear slip from my eye. I'm touched by Peter's concern and feel despicable for bringing him to England, involving him in this most dreadful situation I find myself in.

Peter brushes the tear away with the pad of his finger and I cannot help myself from rising from my chair, going to the loveseat Peter is seating on and sobbing in his arms.

Peter hushes me and hugs me as I cry myself out. Once I've cried all the tears I have left and feel well enough to speak I relay exactly who my visitor was and her intentions. I can see fury forming behind Peter's eyes as I tell him all that Victoria said.

Peter stands and paces the room like a caged lion. I can see by the way he's clenching and unclenching his hands that he wishes he wasn't a gentleman and he could strike a woman, specifically Victoria.

"What does that woman think? What was her purpose coming here? Ugh!" He pulls at his hair and knocks a chair in his rage.

I stand as well and walk to him. I grab him by the hand and make him look at me.

"Peter, she's a desperate woman. I don't know exactly what Edward must have said, but whatever it was it made her reckless enough to seek me out in my own home. She's harmless though. She's a lady deep down. The most she'd do to me would be to slap me."

"Oh, I wouldn't be so sure," Peter says while he squeezes my hand in his.

"Did you meet with _him_?" I enquire, changing the subject slightly. I know he was to meet Edward this very morning.

"Yes," Peter replies simply as he caresses my cheek gently with his knuckles.

"What did he say? Is he going to leave this matter alone?" I probe further, anxious for the answer but at the same time dreading it. I hate the part of myself that wants for Edward not to give up, ever.

"The same," Peter replies, frustration colouring his features. "He had the gall to suggest that I was afraid of what he called _a little healthy competition_! I don't believe he will leave you alone."

I sigh and look away. I don't want Peter to see the spark of happiness his words create in me. I try to smother the part of me that craves for Edward every day, that hopes for a way in which we could be together again.

Peter places his thumb under my chin and turns my face so that I'm face to face with him.

"I won't let him anywhere near you. I won't let him ruin your time in London. You will be here to enjoy the birth of your friend's child, as you planned, and then we'll return to America and I'll make you my wife."

My eyes widen at Peter's statement. Even though he has been courting me for the last months—and the logical conclusion of such courtship is a wedding— we haven't spoken about the subject at all. A frisson of something akin to dread courses through me.

Before I can form a proper reply to Peter's statement he kisses me. His kiss starts tender, loving, but then it grows heady. He lifts me by snaking his arms around my waist and crushes his body to mine. I can feel a desperation in his kiss I haven't felt before. Almost as if he was trying to prove to himself that I'm real and his. I moan into his mouth and he responds with a deep groan of his own.

It's moments like this in which I can almost forget about Edward. Short moments in which I allow myself to imagine a life with Peter, the life Edward and I can no longer have. But these moments pass me by like the mist in early morning. As soon as the sun casts its first rays it dissipates into nothingness.

I push myself away from Peter's body as the memory of Edward's kiss at Lord de Vere's library reels me back into reality.

Peter looks hurt for a fleeting second but he composes himself and smiles sweetly at me. The last thing I want is to hurt my friend.

"Bella, I know that you're not ready for a formal proposal. But I need you to know that I'm serious in my intentions towards you. Someday soon I'll ask you to marry me."

Inside me, two sides war with each other. One side wishes for a peaceful, uncomplicated life with Peter, the other side wishes for a life with Edward in any way I can have him.

**-x-X-x-**

_I am back in the meadow near Masen House. I'm twirling with open arms amongst the flowers and the afternoon sun is shining down upon me._

_"Bella!" I hear Edward's voice call from afar. I stop twirling and I squint, searching for Edward. The sun blinds me though, so no matter where I look I can't seem to locate him._

_"Edward!" I call back._

_"Bella!" Edward yells, his voice getting much closer than before._

_"Where are you?" I ask and giggle, entertained by this game we are playing._

_I feel a pair of arms snake around my waist from behind and I smile. I turn to find Edward as he looked when he was sixteen. He's smiling boyishly at me and I grin back. I turn my neck enough to capture his lips with mine. Our kiss is tender, innocent, but filled with that incandescent passion only true love can spark inside your soul._

_"I missed you. Where were you?" I ask._

_His smile broadens and he nuzzles my nose with his before he releases me. I turn completely to face him._

_"I've never left, my Bella. I'm always with you."_

_Something odd occurs and it seems as if the distance between Edward and me is increasing even though neither he nor I have taken a single step._

_"Edward!" I scream as he disappears in the distance. "Edward!" I yell louder, fear coursing through my veins._

"Hush!" I hear someone whisper as I open my eyes suddenly. I was dreaming, but before I can fully comprehend what is happening a hand covers my mouth. My eyes widen when in the darkness I can distinguish a pair of green eyes gazing at me from above.

Edward is in my room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Are you all saying: OMG…OMG…what has he done now? :D**
> 
> **To the guest who asked why would I name my story something almost identical to another current story: The name of my story comes from a song by Michael Bolton that inspired the plot. I don't know to which story you were referring to but it might be that the author based her title in the same song name? *shrugs***
> 
> **Last week I had the worst week ever or best week depending on the perspective…lol**
> 
> **A tornado hit my town (we never ever have tornadoes. Last one in my country was in 1926.) Yet, stars aligned or something and we had and F2. Since we never have tornadoes we weren't prepared to respond to such emergency and I was without power, water or a phone line until Thursday. I went a little crazy since my laptop and other devices ran out of batteries fast.**
> 
> **Anywho, in the scheme of things I was lucky and my house suffered minimal damage and none of my love ones were hurt. So like I said, had a bad week or a good one depending on the perspective.**
> 
> **I hope this chapter was worth your time.**
> 
> **Thanks for reading :)**


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Disclaimer: These characters are the sole property of Stephenie Meyer. I am just messing around with them.**
> 
> **A/N I don't have a pre-reader or a Beta or anything of the sort. All mistakes are mine and mine alone.**
> 
> **Song inspiration for this chapter: I Don't Wanna Live Without Your Love - Chicago**

**A Love So Beautiful**

**London, England 1894**

Edward uncovers my mouth and for a few moments I simply gape at him, completely shocked by his audacity at intruding into my room at night, like a common thief. The Edward I knew almost five years ago would have never dared to enter my room.

"What are you doing?" I hiss. He looks dishevelled, his cravat is missing as well as his coat and his white shirt is dirty. "How did you manage to get into my room?"

"I needed to see you," Edward says as I sit myself in bed. He's staring at me and I suddenly remember I'm wearing nothing but a cotton nightgown. Rapidly, I gather my sheets and cover my chest with them. The nightgown is not what one would call indecent, but I'm self-conscious about being so exposed in front of Edward.

"If you needed to see me, why didn't you call at a decent hour? This is not exactly the time and place for us to have a chat, Edward." I narrow my eyes and try to convey with them the level of my irritation.

"I tried to call on you this afternoon. However, your aunt was most adamant that you were visiting a friend in the country and were not at home at the moment. I knew she was lying because you would have written to Alice to let her know you were leaving for the countryside. I couldn't call her out on her lie though, so I sought other means to see you. I know about Victoria's visit this afternoon."

"Oh," I reply dumbly. I'm surprised Aunt Leah lied on my behalf. I'll have to ask her about it later. "There really isn't anything to be said about Victoria's visit. It was unpleasant and unnecessary. I already made it clear to her that I have no interest in pursuing you."

Edward flinches as if I've hurt him with my words, but I don't take them back. Compared to the pain he has caused me thus far this is but a prickling.

"In spite of whether you're interested in me or not, I felt it was necessary for me to apologize on Victoria's behalf," he replies. "I've put her in a very difficult position. She's between the Devil and the deep blue sea and knows it, which has caused her to grow desperate."

"What exactly are you doing?" I enquire. I have to admit that I'm intrigued by Edward's certainty that he can gain a divorce from Victoria. She didn't seem at all inclined towards granting Edward a divorce.

"I suppose I should tell you," he whispers, coming closer towards me. I sink further against my pillows, afraid of my reaction if Edward were to touch me. I don't want to discover what I'm willing to allow him if he touches me.

"You guess correctly. I don't like being kept in the dark, and whatever your designs on me are, they are affecting me."

"You know what my intentions are," Edward says trying to grab my hand with one of his. I take it back and place both hands under my coverlet. Edward looks hurt once again, but he continues undeterred. "I want to make you my wife. I've wanted to make you my wife since I was a child. I've been in love with you for years, surely you know that."

I clench my eyes shut, absorbing Edward's words. I've wanted to hear those words for so long, it almost hurts to hear them now, when everything is so impossibly complicated.

"Edward," I sigh and reopen my eyes. Edward is closer, so close that if he leans in just a few more inches he'll be kissing me. I want him to kiss me.

He lifts his hand and grazes my cheek with his knuckles. There's a feeling of adoration that engulfs me when I look into his eyes, and I wish that I could be as bold and reckless as I was at sixteen. Life has hurt me too much; Edward has wounded me too deeply. I don't have it in me to risk my heart as thoughtlessly as I did back then.

"Don't you think I'm scared too?" Edward asks after a few silent moments. "I've dreamt about seeing you, touching you again for so many years I'd almost convinced myself you were a figment of my imagination. Love like the one I feel for you could not be real. The moment I saw you again it all came back to me though. For almost five years I've missed you desperately, loved you hopelessly, longed for you most ardently, and now you're here."

"Now I'm here," I interject in a soft murmur.

"Yes," Edward smiles. "Now you're here and I'll do what I have to do to keep you. I'll fight my family, destroy my reputation, fight that suitor that follows you around, anything to have you by my side."

"I don't want you to fight Peter," I reply. I love Peter and I love Edward. In different ways but I love them both. I don't want to see any of them hurt on my account. But as I think this I know one or both of them will be hurt when all is said and done.

"I don't want to hurt anyone either. I'm not a cruel man, Bella. However, he's trying to steal away my reason for being, the only hope I have left to be happy. I'll fight for my happiness this time."

"I'm not your happiness, Edward."

"You know you are. I've tried to live without you, Bella. For five years I've been a ghost of my old self. You make me whole. And I'm certain that even though you deny it, you still harbour some feelings for me. I know that after all the pain that I've caused you, you may not feel about me as deeply as you once did. However, I can also see that I still affect you, so deep down, I know you care."

I do. I care, so much. I'm frustrated and annoyed at myself for caring and being unable to let go. I wish I could just let him go and marry Peter. I refocus on the matter at hand, trying to forget about my feelings for a moment, and ask Edward about his plans again.

"Why did you threaten Victoria with a scandal? She said that you gave her the choice to request the divorce, that you would give her proof. But she also said that if she refused you warned her that you would request the divorce yourself. I don't understand, Edward. I know it's not easy to get a divorce in this country? What are your plans exactly?"

Edward straightens himself and I see a dark cloud cross his features before he replies.

"I've known for while that Victoria was not comporting herself as the married lady she is. I have no interest in her as a wife and will never have, so I looked the other way for at least two years now. I know that Alice told you about Elizabeth, so you must know already that for a small amount of time guilt moved me to try to give my marriage to Victoria a chance. However, it wasn't long before I realised there was nothing I could do that would make me love Victoria. So I left her at Masen House and moved to the townhouse in London. I didn't seek a divorce before because I believed there was no hope for us anymore.

"I cowardly buried myself in work and didn't enquire about you because I was certain you'd be married and happy in New York by now. So I built myself into the most powerful, most unhappy man in England while my wife made a cuckold of me with my tacit permission. It didn't matter to me what she did."

"And now it does," I say, shocked by Edward's revelation. After all Victoria did to keep me and Edward apart she was ready to risk it all to have someone to warm her bed at night? I don't know if I'm angry or if I pity her.

Edward nods, "It does, because it means I can be free to be with you. I gave her a choice. I was willing to take the blame, pay witnesses to say that I was cruel and mistreated her, pay as many women as I had to pay to say that I've been unfaithful. In honour of Elizabeth's memory I wanted to give her the opportunity to walk away from this marriage as the victim. But she refuses. She doesn't believe I'd risk a scandal of the magnitude that her betrayal would become. She doesn't think I'd risk my family's reputation, or Alice's since she's married to Victoria's brother. What she doesn't know is that I don't care about anyone's happiness but mine anymore. I've given up too much on behalf of my family's honour and good name. I owe them nothing more."

I take in every word Edward says, every possibility that this may all be a dream. For years I've tried to make myself forget him, tried to make myself erase his kisses and his love from my memory. And I can't. I couldn't. I don't think I ever will be able to.

"Bella, if there's a part of you that still loves me, please wait for me. I know that five years is a long time, but you've already waited that long. I know that you are not the lass I knew before you left, but one aspect of our relationship still holds true. I love you, and I know you care for me as well. You may not love me with the same intensity, because I've mucked up every chance I had to be with you, but if you didn't love me at all you would not hesitate to marry Mr Rothschild."

It's true. I have to determine though if the love I feel for him is something I need in my life. It may be wonderful to be in Edward's arms, to become his wife and someday carry his child. But am I prepared to face the consequences of my actions? Am I prepared to face the scandal, the scorn of society? Am I prepared to hurt the only friend I've had these last few years? Peter doesn't deserve the pain. I know he feels deeply for me and he has suffered enough.

"Peter loves me."

"I know," Edward replies. "But Bella, if there's one thing I've learned from this whole debacle is that the love of one person can't hold a marriage. I believe Victoria loved me, or thought she did at one point in time. It wasn't enough to keep us together. Not even the tragedy of the loss of our daughter was enough. Only love is enough to keep two people together. If you marry him without loving him you'll be condemning him to a lifetime of halves. He'll have half of you, half of your heart, half of your soul. He'll give you his whole and all you will be able to give him in return will be half of you. Do you think that's any fairer than breaking his heart now? He'll suffer no matter what you do. One suffering is long term, the other he may recover from in time."

Edward's words bring forth my aunt's own words.

**_"Bella, you're a grown woman now. Not the child you were when this whole situation started. If you love him, if you truly feel he's your fate, then fight for him. But only if being by his side will make you happy. Do not hold on to a memory._ **

**_"If he waited all these years he can wait a few more months. You must reacquaint yourself with him. Know him for the man he is today not the lad you used to love. As for Peter, he's an intelligent man. Be honest with him as any friend would, and if he decides to fight for your affections, then I think you should allow it."_ **

"Okay," I say and Edward's whole face lights up with a hopeful smile.

"Okay, you'll wait?" He asks in an eager voice.

"Not exactly," I reply and I see his face fall. "I'll wait. I'll speak with Peter and let him know that you intend to divorce Victoria and have already set things in motion to such end. However, I'll give him the choice to court me if he wishes to. I also need to reacquaint myself with you. For obvious reasons you can't court me, but I'm willing to allow you to pay calls— chaperoned visits— and you can write to me. Once your situation with your wife is settled you can court me and we can see if we still have a future together."

"So he can openly court you but I'm limited to chaperoned visits and letters?" Edward asks in a sardonic tone, his eyes reflecting a feeling of mutiny brewing inside him.

"I don't know yet if he will want to court me knowing I'm willing to give our relationship a second chance, depending on your divorce. However, you are in no position to make demands of me. You're a married man, Edward, as much as you would like to pretend you aren't."

"I know," he says in a conciliatory tone. "I know that I'm in no position to make demands, but just the idea that he can escort you to balls and be with you freely while I'm relegated to the shadows. It sickens me. I wish things could be different, I wish I were in equal standing with Mr Rothschild. I know none of this is your fault, and I understand why you feel the need to be cautious, but I can't help but wish that I could love you openly."

"You're right, none of it is my fault, but I'm tired of rehashing old stories and dwelling in the past. You asked for a second chance, and the moment you're once again unattached, I'm willing to give it to you. But do not ask me to put my life on hold indefinitely or refrain from exploring my other choices. I don't know who you are anymore, and I need to know the man you're now as well as be certain that you're to be trusted before I can fully commit to you. It's all that I can promise you. Now please leave before we are discovered and my father decides to kill you. How did you manage to sneak into my room? You never said how."

"The trellis outside your window, I knew from past visits to your townhouse which room was yours, and I've climbed that trellis before. It's a lot harder to do at twenty one than it was at sixteen though." He smiles sheepishly.

"You climbed that trellis before? When?" I ask perplexed.

"The first time we came to London after you left Masen House. I knew you would be in America by then, but I needed to feel close to you. I was drunk and sad and feeling utterly pathetic, so I climbed the trellis and fell asleep on your bed. It was quite sad really."

My heart squeezes at Edward's confession. I know that I was not at my best either when I first arrived to the Vineyard. If I could have gone someplace where I felt close to Edward I would have gone, regardless of how pathetic I might have looked to the outside observer.

"You weren't the only one who was hurting. I was not fit for company the first few months we stayed at Martha's Vineyard. If it wasn't for Peter's friendship I would probably still be hiding in my bedroom, avoiding society," I admit.

I can see that my mention of Peter's importance in my life doesn't sit well with Edward but he doesn't comment.

"Very well, I'll leave. I assure you, Bella, you won't see Victoria again in your life if I can't help it. I'm very sorry for whatever she said to you. If it was anywhere near as hurtful as what she said to me I can imagine how dreadful it must have been for you. Just remember that I'm doing my best to get her out of my life once and for all."

I try not to linger in what Victoria said but I can't help but think of the possibility that she may be saying the truth. What if Edward and her have been living separately but still acting as husband and wife? Like I said to Edward, there are so many things about him that I don't know. All I know about him is that he claims to love me enough to go against his family and society to marry me. Will I be able to let go of his past, our past, though?

This is not the time and place to discuss my insecurities or doubts. So I ask Edward to hand me my robe so I can walk him to my window.

He complies without hesitation, and turns so I can cover myself. Once we are facing each other again, I can feel it, the buzzing energy that sizzles between us whenever we are in close proximity. This closeness, in a space that is my space, my private solace, muddles my feelings and makes me dizzy. Dizzy with longing and the desire to close the distance between us and wrap my arms around him until we melt into each other. Edward must be feeling the same way because he extends his arm in invitation. I go without thinking, and he holds me tight in his embrace.

He doesn't push or ask for more, he simply holds me as tightly as I hold him. He breathes me into his lungs as I breathe him into mine and we bask, at last, in the closeness that we have craved for longer than we can remember.

**-x-X-x-**

"Good morning," I greet Peter as he walks into the parlour. "I wasn't expecting you this morning."

"I have an urgent matter and I had to see you before you left the house," Peter replies. I can see in his eyes that whatever brought him to my home this morning, is an important matter and he wishes to speak alone.

"I'll go get Mrs Black," Bessie says as she prepares to leave the room. It's usual protocol that I should receive visitors in my chaperone's presence. However, Peter is a friend and is not unusual that we should be allowed to speak in private.

"Please, Bessie. Do not disturb my aunt. Mr Rothschild is a family friend and I'll be perfectly safe to receive him in private."

"Very well, Miss," Bessie replies before leaving. From the taut expression on her face I can guess that she's concerned about what others might construe of this meeting, but if Peter needs to discuss something in private then I shall do my best to provide such privacy. I have important matters to discuss with him as well.

"I'm glad you're here," I say as soon as Bessie leaves the room. "I have some important news to discuss with you."

"I have as well. But please begin, my news can wait," Peter replies.

We take seats across from each other and I square my shoulders before I start. I know Peter will not find what I have to say to his liking.

"Edward and I have spoken. He revealed that Victoria has been unfaithful and he has the means to demonstrate this and be granted a divorce. I've agreed to consider his suit if he manages to divorce Victoria. I've also informed him that I would tell you about this and let you have the choice of whether you want to continue to court me or not. I'll understand if you're angered by my decision, but if I'm to decide—and stay true to my decision— then I need to have the chance to evaluate my options. I give you the same choice. I need you to know that I'm certain that if anyone can make me forget about Edward that person is you, but I also need to give myself the chance to see if Edward can prove me wrong and regain my trust."

I don't even take a breath as I spill the words as fast as I can. I need to say this and I know that if I give myself the time to catch any signs of pain or disappointment in Peter's expression I'll backpedal.

Peter remains silent for a long time. I can see the emotions as they filter through his face, shock, anger, defiance, confidence, and forbearance.

"I can't deny that I'm not happy with this turn of events, more so in the present circumstances. However, I can't say that I'm surprised. Edward and you have a long history and until he proves you that he's no longer the boy you fell in love with you'll hold on to his memory with all of your strength. It wasn't until I saw Maria in the arms of another man that I realised her true nature. Therefore, I agree with you that you should familiarise yourself with Edward, and who he is now, so you can move forward with your live."

I stare owlishly at Peter surprised by his levelheadedness and understanding of my situation. I honestly expected him to be infuriated by my decision, at the very least annoyed with it.

"Thank you," I reply in an astonished daze.

"There's nothing to thank me for. Do not mistake my acceptance of this situation with a sign of surrender. If Edward intends to fight for your love then I intend to fight relentlessly as well," Peter says in a firm, decisive tone.

I nod and in an attempt to change the subject for the time being, ask him about the reason behind his early morning visit.

"I've received a letter from America," he answers. "In it my lawyer urges me to return post-haste. My mother has fallen quite ill with a fever and the doctor is not certain that she will survive it."

"Oh, Peter! I'm so incredibly sorry. I'm here plaguing you with foolish concerns when you have such crisis weighing down on you. I'll call for my aunt and we will pack our bags immediately to leave with you. Aunt Leah cares so very deeply for your mother—"

"No need," Peter interjects cutting me off. "I think that you should stay."

"But, Peter…" I murmur, slightly hurt that he doesn't want my company in such a difficult time.

"No, it's nothing against you. I feel as strongly for you as I did yesterday. I only see this as an opportune turn of events. My mother is a survivor and I'm almost certain that she will defeat whatever ails her. However, I'm also confident that if I stay I will hover and will not allow Lord Cullen to have a proper opportunity to prove himself a worthy man of your affections. I'll return to America in the next available ship and stay there until my mother recovers, then I shall return and you'll have more than sufficient time to decide whether you want me or Lord Cullen as your husband."

"I don't want to take advantage of your mother's illness to decide on the future of my love life," I declare, bowled over by Peter's news and his decision.

"Don't see this situation from that angle. As I said, see it as an opportunity to evaluate your life without any outside influence. I want you to choose me for myself, not for our history or our friendship. I'm sure Lord Cullen wishes for the same. You already know me and my intentions, so I'll allow Lord Cullen the chance to show you his. If by the end of my time away he has proven he deserves you then I shall step aside and let you be happy with him."

"Oh, Peter," I bemoan in consternation. "I do not deserve you!"

Peter smiles gently, that soft smile that makes me feel warm and safe.

"My mother once told me that love is not deserved, but freely given. I tend to take her words to heart since she has proven herself wise in all other matters. I give you my love, Bella. Now it's left to you to decide whether you want it or not."

Before he leaves, Peter embraces me tightly and I cannot help but compare this hug to the one I shared with Edward the night before. Both fill me with warmth, tenderness, and a sense of security that I crave in such tumultuous time. I realise I could come to love Peter as profoundly as I love the old Edward I know from five years ago. Will I still love Edward the same way once I hear about his past and present in his own words?

The time has come for me to make a decision and remain true to it. I will give Edward his chance, and when Peter returns, I promise to myself I will let both know what my heart needs most: Peter's devotion or Edward's passion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Sorry about no review replies and taking two weeks to update, but the closer I get to my exams the more stressed out I get. It'll be over soon, hopefully. Send me good vibes, please!**
> 
> **And on top of that my German shepherd, Sirius, had a heatstroke and I had the biggest scare of my life. Poor thing couldn't even move he was so decompensated! If you heard of a good diet for dogs let me know. He's too overweight and I need to make him lose some weight stat!**
> 
> **By the by, I totally outlined the rest of this fic and I think we are looking at 5 or 7 more chapters and an Epi? As long as I don't get too wordy! lol**
> 
> **Fic Rec: The Second Son Of A Duke by For3ver Immortal** — It's complete. Historical Romance. I haven't read it in its entirety yet, but so far me likey!


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Disclaimer: These characters are the sole property of Stephenie Meyer.** **I am just messing around with them.**
> 
> **A/N I don't have a pre-reader or a Beta or anything of the sort. All mistakes are mine and mine alone.**

**A Love So Beautiful**

**London, England 1894**

_Dear B,_

_I know that by your request I should refrain from visiting you that I should not even consider the notion of being near you while I'm still married to Victoria. Nonetheless, we have already established that I'm a flawed man, and I can't help the burning desire I have to be face to face with you and be able to show you my affection in more than mere words._

_This piece of paper feels so inadequate to transmit the depth of my admiration for you. However, I have already taken too many liberties when you're respected and this exchange is dicey enough as it is._

_You say that you don't know who I am anymore, but I can assure you that no one knows me as well as you do. Even after all this time the core of who I was when you met me all those years back, remains. I'm still the same boy who would chase you around during our summers in Hertfordshire. You still own my heart and soul and I still care for you more deeply than any other man ever could. The important parts of me remain._

_You wish to know what has changed, and in response to that unasked question I can say that maybe all that has changed is my outlook in life._

_As you know I was raised with the notion that my parents were to be obeyed and that my father in particular, was to be respected. His commands carried out without question. I don't wish to justify my past actions or my lack thereof. I am very well aware that I do not deserve you, and were I a better man, that I should stop my pursue of you. I'm not a better man, and I am not hesitant to express how deeply I need you by my side._

_It is that need that moves me to try to be better, at least somewhat deserving of your affections. I know you have waited long enough, suffered long enough on my behalf and it is immensely selfish of me to ask for more of your patience and time. I must ask for it nonetheless, because it is only if I can call you my own someday that I can hope this life to feel worth living._

_I am through following my father's mandates. I am through worrying what polite society thinks of me. I am through not following my heart. I love you earnestly and I shall do everything I can to be a free man, and prove to you that I want a life with you more than anything in this world._

_Please always remember that,_

_Forever yours,_

_E_

**-x-X-x-**

_Dear E,_

_I thank you for respecting my wishes and keeping your distance while your situation is resolved. I must confess that my request was twofold in its intend, since as you very well know I have never cared about what people think of me. I did ask you to stay away out of respect for my family, which has already been through enough on my behalf, but I also asked you to not call on me because whenever you are near me my judgement clouds and I can't decide whether I care for you due to our past or if I care for the man you are today._

_I don't know who you are, and though you say that the important parts of the boy you used to be remain the same, I can't attest to that fact myself. I only have your word to go by and you must acknowledge that your word is not much in light of our past. I hate that I keep dwelling on our past, but it's all we really have._

_So in the spirit of reacquainting ourselves with each other, I'll start by telling you a bit about who I am now._

_Not much has changed in respect to whom I was five years ago. Mainly, I would say that I am not as reckless as I used to be, or brave. When you told me about your intentions to divorce Victoria I must confess that I was too frightened to feel excited about the prospect of a future together. I won't deny that my feelings for you still run deep, but I would have been a lot more irresponsible in my actions had I still been the girl you met. That girl, she dreamt of fairy stories and happily ever afters. She had you in a pedestal and thought you would never renounce your love for her, let alone marry another. I have a more practical view of life, and have the scars to show the pain life has thrown in my path._

_I am not trying to make you feel guilty or dramatise my circumstances, because I am very aware of how lucky I was to have the people I had in my life during my darkest times. However, I will not try to minimise the change in me either. What happened five years ago changed me in ways I did not anticipate. As all change some of it was good, some of it I am still unsure of. I believe that overall I am a better person due to my experiences._

_I am certainly glad that your view about blindly following your father's commands has changed. Your father may think that he has your best interest at heart but only you can know with full certainty what is good for you. As far as society goes, I retain my opinion that it is quite impossible to please them all, so you might as well do what feels right, within certain limits._

_Now that you know that I have not changed so much from the girl you used to know I would like to know a bit more about you. As you are aware Alice confided in me about Elizabeth, but a part of me wishes to hear about that time in your life in your own words. I do not wish to cause you pain by making you remember those dark times, however, when you're ready I would like to hear about it._

_I wish I could say that is easy for me to drop everything and simply follow what my heart tells me to do, but as I mentioned above I have become wary of following my heart's desires. For the time being all I can promise is that I shall endeavour to keep an open mind and allow you the chance you ask for._

_You know how I feel about you, simply put I feel as strongly as I did five years ago._

_B_

**-x-X-x-**

_Dear B,_

_How I wish I had a way to turn back the clock and not have caused you any pain. How I wish I could go back and do things the way I should have done them. Alas, as you stated in your last letter, dwelling in the past is not helping us move forward._

_I completely understand your caution in regards of my intentions and my actions. I just wish there was not a reason for such caution. As I said in countless occasions, I wish I could court you openly and not be limited to this written substitute for my presence._

_I miss your recklessness and your free way of engaging life. I am saddened by the fact that it is due to my actions that you have changed such significant part of who you used to be. My hope is that someday I will be able to restore your faith in happily ever afters and you shall embrace life the same way you used to do._

_I wish I had been more like you all those years ago, more daring and brave. I would have been spared a lot of heartache. However, I think that like you, my scars have made me a better person. At least I hope they have._

_I know that Alice relayed that part of my past— and even though at the time I was furious with her for doing so— I am now thankful that she did._

_Like you inferred is not a topic I'm fond of discussing, nor is it a topic I'd like to share on a piece of paper. However, I think that it may be for the best if I do share it with you through these means. So that you have time to process your feelings about this matter and your judgement is not impaired by your feelings for me. I don't want you to pity me. I don't want you to forgive me out of mercy. So I will be honest with you and share with you that part of me as best as I can through these written words._

_After you left I was a shadow of the man I used to be. I spent days and weeks in a state of alcoholic stupor and drowned myself in my own sorrow. Don't doubt for a second that I regretted my decision to follow my father's commands every step of the way. My wedding day was the worst day of my life and I drank so much brandy I hardly remember the ceremony._

_Victoria attempted to seduce me several times but I never imbibed spirits so much that I would succumb to her games. After my mother's death however, I lost myself in an endless circle of self-pity and pain, which I survived by drinking even more avidly._

_It was after a night of particularly heavy drinking, that I woke in bed next to Victoria. I didn't know how it happened. I didn't remember the night before. But it didn't take much guesswork to decipher what had occurred the night prior._

_I felt disgusted with myself. I had finally failed you and our love in every regard. I ran to London and stopped drinking. I focused on my family's investments — which my father had neglected even before my mother's death — and avoided Victoria and any reminder of my failure to you._

_I thought of going after you and forsaking my family, but after how I had so thoroughly betrayed our love I didn't think I deserved it. Months after that dreadful night, Victoria appeared on our London townhouse. You cannot begin to imagine my horror when I realised she was carrying and that it was my child. I had dreamt for so long of the day you would carry my children and it felt to me like a travesty that this woman that broke us apart was now the vessel of a child that should have been ours._

_I wasn't so heartless as to blame an innocent babe for my own mistakes. So I allowed Victoria's presence in the townhouse and I made sure she was under the care of the best physicians. Victoria was still under the illusion that I would come to forget you one day, thus she pushed and pushed to be included in my life more. She wanted a marriage in truth. She wanted my love and I couldn't give her either of those things._

_After a particularly nasty argument — I can't even remember about what exactly we were fighting — she followed me as I was trying to leave the house. I was descending the stairs when I heard her scream as she fell down. I watched in horror as she rolled down the stairs and stopped at the bottom in a heap of fabric and blood. Oh, Bella, there was so much blood._

_I will never be able to erase the memory of Victoria's and Elizabeth's blood spilling at the bottom of the stairs. I called out for help, and the surgeon did everything he could. However, nothing could save Elizabeth. She died before she was able to take her first breath into this world and once again it had been my fault._

_I swore after that day that I would try to learn to live the life I have chosen when I did not run away with you. I tried to be a husband to Victoria, tried to mend the pain I'd caused her with my indifference and with the lost of our daughter. Victoria was so broken and it was all my fault. I'd broken you and I'd broken her and I'd broken me. I break and take and break._

_I couldn't pretend though, not for a lifetime. It sickened me and one day I had enough. You must know from Alice how well that conversation between Victoria and I went. She refused to divorce me and tried to kill herself._

_I returned to London and left Victoria at Masen house. It may seem cruel but I believe that had I stayed one of us would have finally destroyed the other. I'm convinced that we are toxic to each other. I wish Victoria could see that as clearly as I do._

_I've told you already of how I submerged myself in work and tried to mute my need for you. Five years later, it only took one mention of your name and I was standing before your door anxious to catch a glimpse of you. But I could not stop with just a glimpse._

_I know it's terribly selfish of me to ask more of you than I have already taken. But Bella, without you I'm not even alive. You're my life. So thank you for keeping an open mind, for allowing me a small chance at winning your trust and love back. Thank you for saying that you feel as strongly for me as you did five years ago. I live for the day in which I've earned your forgiveness and your love._

_Yours, yesterday, now, and tomorrow._

_E_

**-x-X-x-**

_Dear E,_

_There are many things I would change if I could turn back time. However, I don't think I would change the experiences I've have or the people I've met through the years. I think they each had a hand in making me the person I'm today. You may be sad about my newfound caution when it comes to my approach to life, but in a way I think that I needed that experience. Life is not as I imagined it when I was sixteen and one day I would have learnt that lesson regardless of what anyone did to protect me._

_There is a part of me that wishes— like you do — that we could have a regular courtship and you could be welcomed at my home like you were before. There is a part of me that still resents you and needs the space to truly forget about the pain you caused me. So in a way I think this manner of communication works in your favour. I am not ready to be near you for extended periods of time. You still affect me in ways I can't even count. This way I can learn to know the person you are today without any interference of my convoluted emotions whenever I'm in any proximity of you._

_In regards to your past, Alice did convey part of it to me. In a way I'm thankful that she did as well. I'm not certain what my reaction would have been if you were the one to recount that part of your past to me. I will confess that the idea of you and Victoria together in any way bothers me. I try not to dwell on that part of our time apart — even though logically I know that you have been married to her a long time and it was only normal of you to be with her in that way. It still vexes me greatly so, I rather not think of it._

_I can't completely ignore it or disregard it because that also made you the man you're today. I was incredibly sorry to hear about your loss. I can't even begin to imagine what it must have been like to you. The simple notion of losing one's child makes my heart clench in anguish. I wish I had been here to soothe you. I wish I had been able to share in your pain for it must have been too great for a single person to bear. I loved you, I still do. Your pain is my pain and as much as it hurts me to think of you and your wife having a child together. I cannot help but love that child you lost, because it was part of you and you loved her. I love you with all my being. Every part of you, even the parts that have caused me great pain._

_Yes, you are responsible for your decisions. Yes, it was your choice to follow your father's mandates and marry Victoria. Yes, you have caused me great pain. Yes, you may place the blame for all of those situations on your shoulders, but never for an instant think that what happened to Elizabeth was in any way your fault. It was a horrible tragedy, one that I wish you had been spared, but it was an accident. Nothing you could have done would have avoided the ultimate outcome. Even if you relented and faked a love that didn't exist to make Victoria happy. If it was God's will to take Elizabeth to his kingdom so early in her short life, nothing you could have done would have avoided it._

_If there's one thing I have learnt in our time apart is that everything happens for a reason. I believe with all my being that if we would have been allowed to marry at the time we desired to do so. If there hadn't been any obstacles for our union, our love would have been weak as your parents' love was. You would have been cold towards me and I would have been happy to live in the countryside with our children while you entertained mistresses in London._

_Our lives would not have been fulfilled to the utmost of their potentials, for we were foolish, romantic children. We knew nothing of pain or heartache, and life is full of both. I will keep an open mind. I will hope for a day in which you and I can be together and I will try with all my strength to put the past behind us, where it belongs._

_You and I, were not a simple fairy tale like the one I dreamt about when I was sixteen. Somehow though, I believe we are more._

_Forever hoping,_

_B_

**-x-X-x-**

_Dear B,_

_I need to see you._

_Yours,_

_E_

**-x-X-x-**

I clasp and unclasp my hands nervously as I look out the window. Edward is due any minute now and my nerves are frazzled, my heart pounding. Edward's last note was short but to the point. He needs to see me. Why? I don't know.

With aunt Leah's begrudging assistance I was able to send my parents away, under the guise that Aunt Leah needed to do some shopping. Trusting Aunt Leah as they do they didn't hesitate or doubted her when she requested they go along with her on this shopping excursion. I begged off by claiming I was coming down with a cold and didn't want to risk catching a chill.

I feel a bit guilty remembering the way my parents advised me to stay in bed as they left. I so easily lied to them. However, it was necessary. After weeks of exchanging nothing but letters and polite salutes whenever we happened to cross paths, I too need to see Edward.

So many things were said in those letters and so many things have changed in his life, I'm scared and excited about what the future holds.

In recent weeks, after Peter's hasty departure, Edward has endeavoured to obtain a divorce from Victoria. It has been an scandal that I could not avoid but hear about every time I attended a soiree or tea party. Apparently, Victoria has been secretly meeting Lord Riley Biers, an infamous rake who had no qualms to assist Edward in giving proof of his affair with Victoria in exchange of what I guess was a very sizable sum of money from Edward.

I would feel bad for Victoria, but after our last encounter I find very little compassion in me towards her. Her decisions have led her towards this path, and she has only herself to blame for the current state of affairs.

I turn in time to see Bessie enter my private parlour. She has strict instructions to lead Edward to this room as soon as he arrives, making sure that no ones sees him.

"Miss," Bessie whispers and I nod, silently giving my acquiescence to her to let Edward in. After years together she understands instantly and turns again to open the door she closed behind her.

Edward appears before me, and I feel all the air leave me at the sight of him. It seems silly to be this affected by his presence after all the years spent apart, but after having had a taste of him in my life I seem to have become addicted to him all over again.

Bessie leaves us quietly and before I can react Edward brings me into his arms and buries his nose in my neck. I snuggle into his embrace and for the first time in a very long time I feel the same bubbling joy I used to feel in Edward's presence when we were young.

"Isabella," he breathes against my neck as tears of joy escape my eyes, unbidden. It's the type of reunion I imagined for us whenever I dreamed of a world in which Edward hadn't married Victoria. The type of reunion we were never allowed to have.

"I missed you so," Edward whispers as he places a gentle kiss against my neck. "It felt like forever since the last time I saw you. I don't ever want to be away from you for so long."

I tighten my arms around him, in complete agreement with him. No matter what the future holds for us, I know I can't relinquish Edward completely like I once did. Even if we can never marry I have to have Edward in my life in some way.

Edward wipes my tears with the pad of his thumb while I try to get my emotions under control. He's here for a reason, and sadly we don't have time on our side. The longer he stays, the more I threaten to sully my family's reputation.

"What's wrong?" I ask Edward as soon as I'm able to collect myself. I can tell from his expression that whatever has brought him here today it's important.

"The judge has ruled in my favour. I'm to be granted a divorce from Victoria. By the end of this month the proceedings will be finalised and I will be free to marry whomever I wish."

My hands tremble as I realise the significance of this news. Edward grabs my hands in his and kisses my knuckles.

"Victoria is livid, her family is outraged However, they can hardly blame me or make any claims after how thoroughly Lord Biers described his encounters with Victoria. Even Jasper apologised to me on behalf of his sister. They are ashamed, but I do not want their shame. I simply want them to leave me be, so that when I can have the right to court you openly, they do not dare interfere like they did once."

I'm shocked and thrilled by Edward's words. After weeks of hearing whispers about Edward's divorce, I never imagined it would become a reality so soon. I never let myself dream that Edward's promises were sincere, that he was willing to risk everything to be with me. This knowledge fills me with such happiness I can scarcely comprehend it. I am cognisant of the fact that this is what I wanted him to do all those years ago, throw caution to the wind and do whatever he needed to in order to be with me. It's what I was more than willing to do.

Now, it leaves a bittersweet feeling inside me as I realise that much of the hurt we have both endured could have been avoided if only he had been this brave five years ago. I try to stop my mind from wandering to such dark places since I know that dwelling on the past will solve nothing and will only bring me sadness.

"What does this mean?" I dare ask, because I need answers, I need a compass, some inkling into what awaits in the future.

"It means that I'll soon be calling on your door openly. It means that I'll be able to court you and dance with you. It means that I'll be able to marry you… if you'll have me," Edward replies, the last part a hopeful whisper.

I look down, flushing. I'm so torn. My feelings for Edward have flourished anew since we started exchanging letters. However, I can forget about Peter. He has given me this time to decide what I want.

I hate this. I hate the doubts. I hate that no matter what I decide, no matter what path I choose, someone will get hurt by my choices.

"What is it, love?" Edward enquires in a worried tone, tilting my face up so that I meet his eyes.

"I'm scared," I confess. "I'm scared of loving you again. Scared of giving you my heart and having you break it again. I want to let go of the past and be able to welcome you into my life without having this nagging sense of foreboding that I'll get hurt once again."

I can see Edward's eyes cloud with sadness at my words and I hate myself or it, for my lack of trust, my lack of courage.

"All I am asking is a chance," he murmurs. "A chance to prove myself to you, to prove you I'm ready to fight, to be there for you in whatever capacity you'll have me. I'm scared too. So, so scared, Bella. I haven't forgiven myself for the hurt I've caused you. I'm tired of dwelling in the what ifs, though. I want a future with you and the only way we will find out if we can be together is by risking our hearts and be together. I'm doing all I can to make that into a real possibility. Now I need you to trust me, one last time. I know it's not an easy thing to ask of you, not after what I've put you through. But I'm asking you, with all my heart, to give me a chance, give us a chance to be, once again, Edward and Bella, together."

My heart melts at Edward's words. The ice wall I'd built around it melting at the honesty and passion I can hear in his voice. He really wants this as much as I do. I burrow myself against Edward's side, and make myself say what my heart feels, "I want us to be together too."

I can feel Edward's smile against my neck as he places a gentle kiss on my throat.

We are both smiling like fools as we take seats next to each other and Edward tells me of his plans for the future. He wants us to move to the countryside once we are married, to avoid the rumours that will surely ensue after his divorce and our wedding.

For the first time in years I allow myself to imagine Edward and me in our meadow, surrounded by our children, and the image brings a genuine smile to my face.

"All I'm concerned about now that the judge has ruled in my favour is that Victoria could retaliate against you or your family," says Edward, interrupting my happy thoughts. "She's very much aware that I'm divorcing her to be with you, and I anticipate that she will likely find a way to drag you through the mud since she has little to lose now."

"What should I do?" I ask concerned. I don't want to shame my father or worry my mother and Aunt Leah.

"Alice is going to Masen House along with Jasper for the remainder of her pregnancy. She needs peace and quiet and Jasper feels she won't get that in London with my divorce imminent. Would you care for going with her? Take your parents and your aunt, they would love it there and I'll be much more relaxed knowing that you are ways away from Victoria's poisonous presence."

I nod in agreement. Having once encountered the venom of her words I do not want to expose myself or my family to her, ever again, if I can avoid it.

"Won't your father be cross with you for inviting us to Masen House?" I question, knowing how loathe Lord Carlisle is of me.

"He's hardly ever there. He prefers the solitude of our estate in Scotland, but if by any chance he happens to visit Alice and find you there I can assure you he'll be the one hiding in shame. For it's after all through his actions that I've reached this point in my life. We've had words, he and I, and he knows of my feelings towards his greed and his influence in my life. He'll not interfere with my life ever again if he knows what's good for him."

While Edward speaks, I can see the man that half of London fears. The fearsome businessman he became during my absence and I'm sure that if Lord Carlisle dares to cross him, he'll be faced with dire consequences.

That night, after having convinced my parents and Aunt Leah that a visit to Masen House will do us all great good, I lie in bed thinking. I think of sorrows past and promises of happiness, and I drift into a peaceful slumber, full of bluebells, and meadows and the laughter of children.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Song inspiration for this chapter: One and Only** **— Adele**
> 
> **In reality, Edward and Bella are already taking a big risk simply by exchanging the personal letters they've exchanged. Back then something said in a letter could be used in court and it often had the same weight as a written contract. Therefore, letters tended to be friendly and impersonal. So their letters would be the 19** **th** **century equivalent of sexting. Lol That's why they only use their initials, in case you were wondering.**
> 
> **By the way, so sorry for the long wait. My life has been a roller coaster these past months. As soon as I finished my exams I got a job and now I'm still in training. I wake up at five am, go to work and return home around seven. All I want to do is see my bed at night. Not a great excuse but the only one I have.**


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Disclaimer: These characters are the sole property of Stephenie Meyer. I am just messing around with them.**
> 
> **A/N I don't have a pre-reader or a Beta or anything of the sort. All mistakes are mine and mine alone.**

**A Love So Beautiful**

**Hertfordshire, England 1894**

The road to Masen House is filled with memories for me. The last time I journeyed through this road my eyes were filled with tears and my heart encased in sorrow. I never dreamt I would be on my way to Masen House again, like I am today. Alice is smiling, seating next to Jasper in the seat across from me. She's excited to be coming home, to the place that she was the happiest. I am torn between melancholy and hope. I haven't dared to hope as intensely as I have in recent days. I haven't dared to wish for things that I once thought unattainable, and now seem within reach. I am in a state of tensed excitement, hoping for the best yet fearing the worst.

Edward's divorce is moving forward smoothly. The scandal has been minimised as much as could be expected, by Edward's money and influence. Victoria is set to be sent to a state in the border with Scotland. Her family too shamed by her actions to welcome her into their home in London. She's to be exiled, punished by her actions, when if anyone dares to look closely at the situation one might even pity her.

I confess that I do pity her.

Ever since I found out about her affair with Lord Biers I could not help but wonder if I would have acted any differently than she did, in regards of how she handled things when we were younger. I remember how fiercely I loved Edward. How I was willing to sacrifice anything for his love. I was merely lucky enough to be reciprocated in my affections. But would I have surrendered to fate had Edward not felt the same way about me? Would I have simply allowed him to be married to another woman of his choosing? I like to think I would have chosen his happiness over my selfish desires but my recent actions make me think otherwise.

I have not opened Peter's most recent letter. I am scared of what words await me in its pages. He seemed so hopeful in its last letter. He was counting the days until the doctor announced his mother was fully recovered and he could join me again in London. He thought the separation would do me good and put our relationship into perspective, make me see how good we were together. I feel like a fraud when I think of how much my actions will hurt him. I feel as selfish as Victoria was when she sacrificed me to achieve her happiness. She was fully cognisant of my love for Edward and she didn't hesitate to push me out of the way to make Edward hers. I am very well aware of Peter's feelings for me, of his constancy and patience, of his friendship and devotion, and yet I'm prepared to sacrifice him if need be. Edward's love has, once again, become the centre of my whole existence, as essential to me as breathing. Guilt courses through my veins the closer we get to Masen House.

The scariest part of it all is how much stronger is my happiness compared to my guilt.

**-x-X-x-**

Masen house is exactly as I remembered. Beautiful, red brick and white, high and magnificent against the blue skies of Hertfordshire. I look at these walls that hold so many memories, good and bad, and I smile. It's been so long and in a way it feels like coming home. Aunt Leah holds my hand and I turn to smile at her. She is always so in tune with my feelings, she must sense the enormity of this moment for me.

"How are you feeling?" she asks me with a gentle smile grazing her lips.

I sigh deeply, breathing in the air of this place that holds a big part of who I used to be. I can almost hear the ghost of my past giggling in the meadow beyond the hill. "I feel amazing," I reply, and it's not a lie.

**-x-X-x-**

Alice is walking ahead of me. She's so glad to be home, her happiness is contagious.

"Bella, can you believe that we're home at last? It felt like ages since the last time we were here!"

I nod in agreement because in spite of Peter, and my aunt, and my parents' love, it has felt like ages to me. The past five years have been longer than I can count with my fingers. I count those years in the scars that mar my heart, the same scars I can feel closing up and mending the closer Edward is to freedom and to me.

"Father isn't home at the time being," Alice remarks, confusing my silence with concern. "So don't you go worrying about a confrontation. He's hardly here since mother passed away." She opens the door to my old room, the guest room that in years past had almost become my own. The maids are putting away my luggage as I walk behind Alice. It looks the same and somehow I'm surprised by that fact. I always assumed that after Edward and Victoria married she would do her utmost to erase me from this place, from Edward's whole life.

As if reading my mind Alice says, "He would not let anyone in this room. No one but his most trusted valet and a maid were allowed here to clean. You have no idea how much Victoria loathed this room."

I have no doubts that Victoria hated this room with a passion.

"Your father and mother will arrive soon?" Alice asks, changing the subject.

"Yes," I reply, shaking off the deluge of memories threatening to overtake me. The weeping willow is still swaying by my window. Its leaves dancing with the gentle afternoon breeze. I look towards the bed and I cannot help but remember the last time I was in this room.

_"I don't know who you are anymore, but you're not my Edward. My Edward would have fought for us until his last breath."_

_"Maybe you never knew me."_

I often wonder if I will be able to leave the past behind me. If this house will one day be a place of happiness to me, and not the place where I had my heart broken.

"Was your father terribly upset with you? I am sure he's not happy with this arrangement. He may fear that you're coming to Masen house to secretly meet with Edward."

I blink rapidly, shaken from my memories by Alice's words.

"He was not ecstatic as you have guessed. However, if I was planning anything untoward I would not have invited them as well. I would have insisted your presence and Jasper's was sufficient to thwart any rumours about Edward and me. Father knows me and trusts me implicitly. I must confess though that if it weren't for Aunt Leah's sage words of advice he might have not agreed to let me come."

"Your Aunt really cares about you," Alice points out as the maids set up the tea in front of crackling fire. The breeze is cool and I can sense that it will be a very cold night.

"Yes, she never had any children. Her husband died when he was young and she never loved anyone enough to marry him afterwards. I think she sees me as her own and I must confess that I love her as a mother. She has been a source of much strength for me in recent years."

Alice takes my right hand in hers and gently wraps her fingers with mine. "I cannot imagine what it must have been like. To be so far away, after what my bother did to you. I will never be able to thank you for giving him a second chance, Bella."

"Nothing is set in stone, Alice," I am fast to clarify. "I'm simply waiting to see how things unfold. It all depends on your brother now. I've told him I would give him a chance to court me once he was free to do so."

"That is so much more than anyone could expect and so much more than he deserves after the pain he caused you," Alice says, smiling at me.

Trying to lighten the mood I ask after Alice's little one. She gushes and smiles, telling me how she recently felt the baby move inside her and how excited Jasper is to have a daughter. Alice insists it's a son but Jasper hopes for a little girl he can spoil rotten.

"Surely, it's odd for a man of his status to hope for a girl instead of a boy, and heir to his title," I note, somewhat surprised by Alice's revelation.

She smiles, a soft smile that's full of joy and contentment. I'm so glad to see my friend enjoy such fulfilment in her life after the pain she has gone through.

"He says he wants her to look exactly like me, because he can't imagine loving anyone more than a little girl with his blood that looks like me. He's such a romantic, Bella. I never imagined I would come to love him as I do."

For a brief moment I allow myself to imagine what it would be like to marry Peter. I don't love him like I should but I feel for him much more deeply than Alice felt about Jasper when she married him. The first year of her marriage I remember Alice crying about the injustice of her fate. I remember hearing her sniffling softly, hidden in the library. I remember how she avoided Jasper like the plague. She loathed him, and yet, she learnt to love him in time. Could I ever love Peter? Could I fall in love with him like Alice fell in love with Jasper?

I feel dizzy with the possibilities. There was a time in which I would have never doubted my fate was irrevocably linked to Edward's. Now however, doubts and guilt fill my heart. I don't want to hurt Peter, and deep down I know I could come to love him. On the other hand, I have never been able to completely let go of Edward— not even with an ocean between us. Would it be fair to Peter, to condemn him to a life of half-love. I would love him, of that I'm certain, but my heart would be forever bound to Edward's in some way. I would give Peter only the part of my heart that I could spare, whereas I could give Edward my whole heart without a doubt.

Alice takes notice of my troubled thoughts and enquires after my wellbeing.

"Do you feel all right, Bella? I'm certain the travelling has exhausted you!"

"I'm quite all right," I reply with a weak smile. "Simply tired. I think I will nap before it's time for supper."

"That is a marvellous idea," Alice agrees excitedly. "This wee child has been tiring me out. I need a good nap myself."

I smile as Alice gently pats her round belly. Her happiness is contagious even with all the fears that haunt my thoughts. I smile and hug her as she leaves me alone in my old room. I lie in bed, thinking of the last day I spent in this house, in this room, and the despair that filled me. I breathe deeply and wish for the day in which things are less complicated than they are now. In which I can simply be happy.

**-x-X-x-**

It's late at night when I hear it. A piano being played in the dead of night. For one moment my heart beats faster, hopeful that it might be Edward who has come to Masen House early, but then I remember he told me in his last letter that he would be detained in London for at least one more week before he could join us in Masen house.

The song is infinitely sad and I have to blink the tears that escape my eyes in response to the melancholy of the melody. I wrap myself in a robe, and go out in search of the lonely piano player.

Somehow, I know who to expect, since there's only one person who can play the piano so wonderfully besides Edward. However, I'm no less surprised as I stumbled into Lord Carlisle, playing the piano in the music room, a glass of scotch teetering beside him on the bench.

After so many years, it feels odd to be before the man who ruined my most beloved dreams and hopes and feel… nothing.

I've always pictured a different scene altogether. I imagined that I would yell at him, show him my disdain, show him that even though his actions managed to separate me from Edward he hadn't completely broke me— just my heart. Moreover now that it seemed possible for Edward and I to be together once again. However, the man before me is not the Lord who ruled over everyone's lives, including his children. This man is lonely, this man makes me feel pity for him instead of the hatred I imagined.

"Do you plan to stand all night there watching me, child?" Lord Carlisle's gruff voice interrupts my musings. "Or do you have anything you would like to say to me after all these years?"

I blink in surprise, taken aback by Lord Carlisle's words. He stops playing and drinks all the scotch left in the glass before turning to look at me.

I gasp. A once proud and handsome man, Lord Carlisle is nothing but a ghost of the man he used to be. Bags under his eyes, wrinkles of worry now mar his once almost perfect features. He has aged twenty years in the last five years since I've last seen him.

"I see you've grown even lovelier with the years, no wonder my son is so willing to destroy the family name to marry you. I can't say I would not do the same were I in his place. In fact, I did exactly the same when I was his age," Lord Carlisle says standing up. He walks towards the liquor cabinet and serves himself another full glass of scotch.

"I don't understand," I reply in a daze, because I truly don't understand what he means with his last statement. When has he done anything that could damage the family name?

"Of course you wouldn't," he says simply, gulping down his newly served glass. He serves himself another glass and flops into a nearby chair, spilling some of his scotch on the floor.

"Oh uh," he says and giggles as a small child who has been caught doing something naughty.

I do not recognise this man sitting before me. Where is the proud man that was so quick to separate his son from the one woman he has ever loved to marry him off to a woman he could barely stand— all in the name of furthering the family fortune and name?

"I think I better leave," I say turning towards the door.

"Did you know that Lady Esme was a merchant's daughter? A poor merchant's daughter at that. Her father had depleted their resources long before he died in the bed of a whore at the ripe age of forty. He left them with nothing but humiliation. I met her when she was appointed as Lord Jasper's governess. Her station was even lower than yours, girl."

I turn and glare at him. He has no right to say I am of a low station when his soul is obviously lower than that of the lowest of the men on earth.

"How shocking then, that a man so proud as yourself, my lord, would bother himself with such a _lowly_ girl to even marry her," I retort, infusing as much scorn as I can in my voice.

"She was such a lovely girl," he continues, not at all offended by my derision. "She had the loveliest green eyes, just like Edward's."

"My lord, I think you need to go to bed. You're talking nonsense." I make to retreat once more but Lord Carlisle speaks again before I can leave.

"My father was livid. He disowned me. I married her anyways. I went against my father and my family. I was his second son, the spare, so he didn't hesitate to send me away with my new wife, and denying me my birthright. For four years we lived in poverty, I tended to the little shop that survived from Esme's inheritance and we barely had enough money to feed baby Alice. We were so poor I could not pay for a doctor to tend to Esme when she started bleeding while she was pregnant with our second child. We lost our boy that night and we lost ourselves as well. We were never the same after Anthony died."

I'm completely taken aback by Lord Carlisle's words. Why has he chosen to share such intimate details of his past with me? And who is this man? I would have never guessed that he would be capable of sacrificing his entire inheritance to marry for love. Not when he was so adamant that none of his children should marry for the same reason he married his wife. Only advantageous marriages for the Cullen children, that was his motto.

"How did you inherited the estate then?" I ask, because I want to know now. I want to understand what drove this man, who once believed in love so fiercely that he was willing to renounce everything for it, into becoming the man who tore me from Edward and tore his son's heart in the process, as well as mine.

"When father died, my eldest brother, Marcus, invited us to return home. He was a very kind soul, and he welcomed me and my family with open arms. Esme was still recovering from her miscarriage so I was relieved by the fact that I could take care of her and Alice from then on. I devoted myself to my family's investments, since my father's lack of foresight, and my brother's ingenuity, had made them dwindle. However, in the process I neglected my family, spending more and more time in London focused in business."

"I do not blame Esme for what she did. I forgave her a long time ago, even when she never forgave herself," He finished, grabbing the bottle of scotch and drinking directly from it.

What could sweet lady Esme had done to him? She was the sweetest, loveliest of women I have ever met. Even though she never protected Edward from Carlisle's machinations, I would never imagine her as a person capable of hurting anyone on purpose.

"Please don't speak ill of the dead. She isn't here to defend herself," I say, outraged by Lord Carlisle's implied allegations.

"She would not defend herself, even if she were here. She was always the first to cast the blame on herself whenever it came to us. It was always my fault in the end though, all of it."

"What are you mumbling about? I think I'll go find Lord Jasper. You need to stop drinking and go to bed," I retort, turning towards the door. Just as I'm about to cross the threshold I hear him speak again, and what he says shocks me deeply.

"She was alone, and Marcus was so kind. He took my place as Alice's father figure while I spent months at the time away. I now understand I was simply running away from the pain of our loss. Esme could not escape the pain, so she welcomed Marcus as a friend, and eventually she welcomed him into her bed…our bed."

"What?" I stutter. There are no words to convey the level of surprise I feel at Lord Carlisle's revelation.

He continues as if I hadn't spoken. "It was a late February night when I received a letter from Masen house telling me my brother had been in an accident. His horse had spooked during a hunting trip and threw him off. He was dying. So I rushed home, riding through the night as fast as I could. When I arrived all I could see was Esme crying in a corner and all of the servants' faces filled with sadness for their kind master. I knew immediately I was too late to say goodbye to my brother, and that I was the new Lord of Masen House, the new Lord Cullen. I rushed to Esme's side and as I hugged her I knew. I felt it—"

I frown, not understanding what it was he felt.

"I was gone almost exactly eight months, and yet as I hugged my sobbing wife, I felt the round bump of a babe growing inside her. Edward was born exactly four months after that night, almost exactly a year since I'd last lain with my wife."

My eyes widened. No, it couldn't be. Lady Esme would have never done that. Never.

"You're lying!" I hear someone roar from behind me, and I turn to find a livid Edward standing by the door of the music room. He's still on his travelling clothes.

"Mother would never…she was a saint to tolerate the vile man you have become. She would have never done that!" Edward screams directly at his father, venom lacing his voice.

"Your mother was many great things, beautiful, lovely, kind, but a saint was not one of them. She was human, just like the rest of us."

Edward walks past me, directly towards his father, and picks him up by the lapels of his coat. He spits his next words at him with fury, "Don't you dare taint my mother's memory! You can hate me all you wish for being a disappointment to you, but don't you dare imply I'm not your son or imply that my mother laid with your brother. Don't you dare!" He emphasises the last three words.

Lord Carlisle laughs bitterly and I jump, frightened, when Edward punches him in the jaw and Lord Carlisle lands in the floor, at Edward's feet.

"You stupid boy!" Lord Carlisle shouts between guffaws from the floor. He's so drunk all of his secrets are spilling out of him, unbidden. "The only reason I accepted you as my son is because we share the same blood, and because I owed your mother the son she lost when I was too poor to pay for a doctor to tend her. You're the son of my brother, and if you don't want to believe me, then believe your mother's own words." He pulls a rumpled, old paper from his coat and throws it at Edward.

I run towards them and pick up the old piece of paper so that Edward doesn't have to go anywhere near the man he has called father for all these years. I open it, and immediately recognise lady Esme's elegant handwriting. I hand it to Edward, my hands shaking, dreading the pain his mother's words will cause Edward.

He starts reading them and his eyes fill with tears as he scans the page. I stand behind him and read along the words that are slicing his heart into shreds.

_Dear son,_

_If you're reading this, it means that I died before I could garner enough courage to tell you the truth in person. I've wronged you, I've wronged your father, and I've wronged myself by failing those who I love and loved me so much in return._

_I will not try to justify my actions with empty excuses. The truth of the matter is that I am not perfect, and I failed your father in every regard. He forgave me and loved me even as I broke his heart, and I will never be able to repay him for letting me keep you, when he was in his right to send you away and never let me lay eyes on you again._

_You see, there was a time in our lives in which things were not as easy as they are today. We were poor, so very poor, and due to our lack of funds, I lost a child whom I named Anthony, just like you. I never blamed your father, but I know he blamed himself. He swore we would never be poor again, and that I would never want for anything, ever again. His new purpose was to make money, and with that single idea driving him, he spend much time away from me. I was still grieving. I felt so very lonely. Even with your sister, there was a part of me that had died along with my baby, and I needed comfort. Your father was away for most of the year, making us and his family richer. Your father's brother, Marcus, he was a gentle man. He was sweet, attentive, all the things I needed when I was hurting the most. I loved your father so very much, but as you will one day learn, sometimes it's the ones we love the most, the ones we hurt more deeply. I will never know or understand fully what drove me to Marcus' arms. I could blame it on loneliness or sorrow, but none of those are excuses for what I did. All I can assume is that I was out of my mind with grief, and was not thinking clearly when I betrayed your father thus._

_I let myself be encased by Marcus' love as a way to forget my own shortcomings as a wife and as mother, and in doing so I hurt your father, and I hurt Marcus too, for I never loved him as he loved me. My love was always for Carlisle, even if my actions speak otherwise._

_No matter what, no matter what he may pretend, Carlisle, your father, he loves you. Marcus may have been the man who sired you, but make no mistake son, behind all those walls he has built to protect himself from his pain, Carlisle loves you deeply and only wants the best for you._

_When you were little he used to spend countless nights watching you sleep, and I've never seen a man so enamoured with his son as your father was with you. You're Carlisle's son and he's your father. For all his mistakes— and he has made as many as I have— he has always loved you._

_I know you're still hurting over being driven apart from Isabella— even as you try to hide it from me— but you have to understand son, that in your father's eyes it was like history repeating itself. He sacrificed everything for me, only to have his heart broken, he did not wish the same fate for you. In his need to protect you from that heartbreak, he hurt you deeper than Isabella ever could. I failed you as well in many regards. I did not go against your father when I should have and I know he used my illness to keep you by our side. I will forever regret my weakness, but I was selfish. I had already lost a son, and hurt your father so very deeply. I knew my time on earth was coming to an end, and I selfishly wished for a few more years with your father and you. You may never forgive me, but please know this one truth: you were loved, you're loved, and from whatever place I go after I leave this earth— for I'm not sure I deserve heaven after all my misdeeds— I will watch over you and your sister and try to right all the wrongs we did you._

_Your loving mother,_

_Esme_

My eyes fill with tears as I read through lady Esme's words, and without stopping to think how inappropriate it may look I hug Edward from behind, as he shakes with restrained sobs.

"Esme…Esme… Why did you have to leave me, Esme?" I hear Lord Carlisle mumbling from the floor, his lip bloody, his eyes closed. I've never felt more pity for another creature before. I may never forget what this man did to Edward and me, but now I know with certainty that I have forgiven him. He is living in hell as it is. He doesn't need anymore reasons to blame himself.

Edward turns to me after a short time, and places his hands on each side of my face. Our tears mingle as he kisses me softly, longingly, the raw kiss of two lovers that were driven apart for much too long.

"Please, let us leave this room. I need to be away from him, and we need to discuss a matter of rather importance," Edward murmurs against my lips.

I nod and follow him, his fingers tangled with mine. I turn to gaze one final time at the man lying on the floor, and a single tear escapes my eyes as I take in the ruins of the man he used to be. No one, not even him, deserves to be so dead inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Jikes** **…** **a lot happened in this chapter. Much more than I intended to! These characters have a mind of their own! Do we still hate Carlisle, or do we feel a tiny bit sorry for him now? We** **'re getting** **closer and closer to the prologue, maybe three or four more chapters. Eek!**


	24. Outtake 1: Betrayed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Disclaimer: These characters are the sole property of Stephenie Meyer. I am just messing around with them.**
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> **A/N I don't have a pre-reader or a Beta or anything of the sort. All mistakes are mine and mine alone.**
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> **Warning: If cheating is a big trigger for you, avoid this outtake. You've been warned.**
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**A Love So Beautiful Outtake 1: Betrayed**

" _True love is tested when betrayed."_

― _**Toba Beta, Master of Stupidity**_

" _I get up and pace the room, as if I can leave my guilt behind me. But it tracks me a_ _s I walk, an ugly shadow made by myself."_

― _**Rosamund Lupton, Sister**_

**Hertfordshire, England 1872**

I gaze out the window of our carriage as it stops in front of Masen house. After the way in which the old Lord Cullen treated us, I never imagined we would ever return to this place. Alice giggles in my arms and I smile at her enthusiasm. She always has a way of being happy about everything, which has managed to make me smile, even in my darkest times. Carlisle holds my hand in his, as he helps me out of the carriage, and I smile reassuringly at him. He has sacrificed so much on my behalf, for our love, I can never begin to deserve his love.

After his father's passing, Carlisle's brother Marcus has invited us to come to Masen house. I could feel how relieved Carlisle was when he received his brother's letter. I know how long my strong husband has been struggling with the pain of losing his family, and the impotence of not being able to give me more. I'm not used to privilege, not used to the comfort that money brings, but I always felt as if I had taken Carlisle away from his life, to give him nothing but sorrow and poverty.

I take in the beauty of Masen house, the gardens that surround it, and the grandeur of its structure. It's as imposing as it was to me, when I first attended a ball here, all those years ago, the day I met Carlisle.

Carlisle places a kiss on my cheek, knowing how this place frightens me after all the sour memories he and I shared here.

"My father is gone, poppet," Carlisle states reassuringly, "he cannot do anything to try to separate us any longer. Marcus is as noble as they come. I'm sure you'll find a brother in him. From now on our future will only be bright."

I nod and smile, trying to infuse as much happiness as I can in my expression. Carlisle is hopeful that this will be a new beginning for all of us. I don't want to dash his hopes away. I fear nothing will be as it was before we lost Anthony.

"Carlisle!" a man shouts from the top of the stairs as he runs to meet us. Carlisle smiles broadly and runs to meet him.

"Marcus!" my husband says before patting his brother's back, and shaking hands with him in between affectionate smiles. After all the pain we have been through, I'm happy that my husband has found someone to rely on.

"Here," Carlisle says walking towards me with his brother. "This is my family, Esme and little Alice."

I curtsy in deference to Marcus' new status as Lord Cullen, "My lord."

"None of that lord nonsense!" Marcus replies, taking a giggling Alice from my arms. "You're my sister and this little princess here is my niece. We are all family so I won't stand for such formality!" Alice is instantly and completely enamoured with her new uncle.

I'm taken aback with Marcus kindness and warmth. I didn't have the chance to know him before this day, since he had spent the last few years in the continent, but had I known he was such loving and kind person I would not have feared this trip as much as I did.

"Thank you, brother," I answer with a smile and Marcus' eyes twinkle with the same shine of happiness I miss in Carlisle's eyes. The same bright spark that made me fall in love with him.

"Come on dear brother!" Marcus encourages, "You must be tired and your rooms are waiting. You should see the toys that I have bought for princess Alice. She will be thrilled, won't you princess?" Alice's laughter brings a warmth into my heart that I feared was missing and in spite of the pain still residing within me, I smile. My first genuine smile in the four months since Anthony's death.

**X-x-X**

Dinner that night is a joyous affair. Marcus is welcoming and adoring in his love for Carlisle and our family. When I question Carlisle about Marcus' personality, so very different from that of their late father, Carlisle tells me that Marcus spent enough time abroad to be spared the old Lord Cullen's influence. I wish my Carlisle had been that lucky.

Alice is fascinated by her new lavish toys, her new dresses, and her new room. For a girl who last week only had one straw doll and a couple of Sunday dresses, she seems to have adapted to her new opulent surroundings quite well.

"What do you think?" Carlisle asks me at night as we settle in bed. He hasn't touched me in all the months since we lost our son. I'm afraid to approach him about it. Sometimes I wonder if perhaps he doesn't feel the same for me any longer, but then I feel his love in the adoring way he looks at me, in his gentle embrace when we go to bed, and decide that maybe he needs some time before he's ready to resume our marital relations.

I smile into my pillow and sigh. "I believe your brother loves you very much, and will do about anything within his reach to see you happy."

"Yes," Carlisle smiles, placing a kiss against my cheek. "He fought with father when he announced his intentions to restore my rights and welcome us into Masen house. I fear father would have disowned him, had it not been for the fact that his only other heir was me, his biggest disappointment."

"Shush, let us not speak of your father any longer. He made the choices he made and faced the consequences."

Carlisle places a sweet kiss on my lips but doesn't take his attentions any further. He turns the other way and sleeps with his back to me, like every night, I cry quietly into my pillow wondering if we'll ever go back to the infatuated couple we used to be before our world came crashing down around us.

**X-x-X**

Months go by and we establish a routine. Carlisle rides with his brother in the mornings and then spends all the time locked in the study going over the ledgers. Apparently, the old lord Cullen and the new one were not very efficient administrators, and Carlisle has gained plenty of experience thanks to his foray as a shop keeper.

The more time Carlisle spends going over the estates' finances the more time alone I spend and the more the ghosts of what might have been haunt me. Alice offers me comfort with her sweet smiles and her mischief but there is something in me, a void that nothing but Carlisle's love used to be able to fill. I smile in all the right places and nod when spoken to, but I'm a ghost wandering the halls of Masen house. I only sink further and further into melancholy when Carlisle decides to travel to London for longer and longer periods of time.

One day I'm tending to the rose bushes in the conservatory when I feel someone eyeing me. I turn to find Marcus standing by the doorway with a laughing Alice in his arms.

I smile at the scene, and feel a twinge of pain piercing my heart when I imagine Carlisle standing there instead of his brother. He should be the one Alice plays with and adores, not her uncle.

"I see you're busy. We just wanted to invite you to take a stroll through the gardens with us. It's a lovely day and it would be a terrible shame to see it gone to waste by spending it indoors. As lovely as these roses are they don't compare to the fresh air outside."

Alice wiggles in Marcus' arms and he sets her down. She runts to me as fast as she can in her short, chubby, toddler legs and jumps into my arms. I laugh at her enthusiasm as she screams; _outside_ , _outside_.

I smile indulgently and take my daughter's hand as I walk with her and my husband's brother.

Marcus, Alice and I run and roll over the grass, playing like innocent children in the garden. However, there's nothing innocent in the way Marcus looks at me. There's nothing innocent in the way he touches my hands whenever he gets the chance. And there's nothing innocent in the way I let him touch me. There's nothing innocent in the slightest.

**X-x-X**

I'm drinking tea in the balcony, watching over Alice while she plays with her nurse in the patio below, when I feel someone take a seat across from me.

"Good afternoon, Marcus," I welcome my brother in law as he greets me with a lingering kiss against my hand. I try not to blush at his appreciative perusal. I've taken to wearing the dresses Carlisle has sent me from London now that business is thriving. These are delicate, colourful dresses, the likes of which I never dreamt I would wear. Marcus has noticed them and praised them in countless occasions since I started wearing them and I fluster over his attention. Each day I put a little more effort into my attire, and shame washes over me whenever my thoughts stray into what Marcus will think of my outfit on that day. I should not care so much about what my brother in law thinks of my appearance.

"Good afternoon, Esme." Marcus has taken into using my proper name, even though it's intimate and inappropriate. I allow it because I love that he pays me so much attention. I love that he prefers to stay with us in Masen house when he could be gallivanting through London. I crave his lingering looks, his tender words and his touch. I love to converse with him during dinner and I care overmuch for what he thinks of me. I chastise myself every day and say to myself that I will stop _this_ , whatever it is that has started to develop between us, but I don't. In fact I encourage it, every day permitting him more allowances.

"I was wondering if you would like to take an afternoon stroll with me. The breeze is lovely and I would like to show you the new horses my brother has purchased. He seems to think our stables need to be stocked with only the best of the best in horses."

 _The best of the best_ , that's Carlisle new motto, I think bitterly.

"Of course," I reply as I take Marcus' hand and set my tea cup on the table.

We walk in silence for a few minutes. I feel as if Marcus wants to say something but is refraining for some reason.

"I know it's not my place, but I think of us as more than friends and I can't help but wonder over Carlisle's absence. He has been away for almost three months now and even though he constantly writes and sends gifts I feel as if there's something more than distance between you. Is there anything I can do to help?" Marcus asks suddenly.

I blush and look away. I know anyone with eyes can notice how distant Carlisle is with me. How that distance just seems to grow more and more over time, aided by our silence. At first, when Anthony died, it seemed easier to not discuss our pain. Now it seems as if our silence is slowly burying our relationship under the walls each of us has built around our pain.

"You're right, it's not your place," I say in a biting tone. I don't want to discuss my marital problems, let alone discuss them with Marcus, when all these feelings I have for him confuse me and make me feel guilty.

Marcus stops walking and I turn to face him. He's staring at me in this deep way, this way that makes me feel as if I'm being stripped naked of all my secrets and all my pain. He walks towards me and takes my right hand in his, placing it above his heart.

"I have never felt so much before, and I feel shame over the thoughts that fill my mind whenever you're near me."

I gasp as I feel the rapid beating of his heart under my hand. I want to pull it away and at the same time I want to leave it exactly where it is.

"I don't know to what extent my feelings for you are clear, Esme. But I feel that if I don't utter them, say them aloud I'll die."

"No," I beg in a whisper, because I much prefer to pretend like nothing untoward is developing between us, when I know full well the consequences of our betrayal.

"No," he says in a firm voice. "I can't keep quiet any longer. I crave you and need you, so much that I can almost drown the voice of my conscience that yells at me: traitor! I love my brother, and I would give my life to spare him any pain, but I also love you, desperately…" he trails, placing a kiss against my open palm.

I gasp at the electricity that his lips elicit in my skin, the same type of spark only Carlisle could cause within me before. It's weaker, not as bright as what Carlisle makes me feel, but I'm so hungry for love, that this substitute feels like a ray of sunshine after a very long rain.

I pull my hand from his grip, and run, run towards the house, away from temptation and the doom that will surely follow should I succumb.

**X-x-X**

I can feel Marcus as he runs after me, I climb the stairs with all my strength and I'm almost out of danger when I feel his hand wrapping itself around my arm, and turning my entire body towards his. I'm breathing hard, almost gasping for air while I watch Marcus' lips as they descend upon mine.

Instead of pushing him away as I should, I circle my arms around his neck and bring our bodies closer, surrendering myself to him. He groans inside my mouth and I'm scared for the feelings that sound stirs in my belly. It has been so very long since the last time I have felt this fire within me, not since before we lost Anthony. I need this fire to consume me as it once did, so I don't protest as Marcus' lifts me in his arms and carries me to my bedroom. The same bedroom I share with my husband when he deigns to honour us with his presence in Masen house. I dash all thoughts of Carlisle away as I tremble while Marcus' fingers loosen my dress and free me from my corset. His eyes are full of passion, but they are also full with tenderness and love. I look away because I cannot stand his love. I don't want his love. I simply want him to make me feel desired, to fill the void that Anthony's loss and Carlisle's absence has left in me.

Marcus is too preoccupied with undressing me to notice how I avoid his gaze. Soon, before I know how, our bodies are naked and entwined as Marcus' explores my curves with his hands.

"You're so beautiful," he whispers against my lips as he searches for that place between my legs that aches to be filled by him. He finds me wet and hot, trembling for his touch. He caresses me gently, and I convulse with unspent ardour as he inserts two fingers inside me. In and out, they stroke me from inside, stoking the fire he alighted with his kisses.

I shudder in his arms as I fall off the ledge of passion and he moans against my neck as he feels my walls tightening around his fingers. After I have calmed some from the ecstasy that enveloped my body, I notice Marcus has covered me with his body.

I know I should stop him. I know I should stop us, but for the first time since I lost my precious boy, for the first time since we moved to Masen house I feel alive. Selfishly, I close my eyes and open my thighs to welcome Marcus' heat. He enters me in one swift movement and a sob escapes me. He stops momentarily, most likely thinking he has hurt me with the suddenness of his entry. In reality, I'm crying for the pain that my actions will cause us all. Carlisle, Marcus and myself will suffer from my weakness. I allow myself a few more tears before I lift my hips enticingly, making Marcus forget all about the world outside the bubble of rapture that engulfs us.

We are frantic in our coupling, like two starved animals that are presented with a luscious meal, we devour each other. I gasp and groan at the sensations Marcus is able to elicit within my affection-starved body. He makes me feel loved and cherished, feelings I have longed for ever since Carlisle's focus in life became increasing the Cullen's assets.

Soon, I feel myself falling off the edge of bliss once more. Marcus joins me on the other side, grunting his euphoria against my heated bosom. We remain like that, my arms around his back, my legs encircling his hips, sweat and heat making our skin slick, eliciting aftershock shivers from our weary bodies.

After a short time Marcus finally recovers himself enough to pull out from inside me. He lays on his back next to me, breathing hard, before he gathers me in his arms and hugs me closely to him. Once our lust has followed its due course, I'm aware enough to realise, in its full magnitude, the wretchedness of my sins.

I laid with my brother in law, not only that, I enjoyed it. I forgot all about my vows, the sacrifices Carlisle has made to be by my side. I disrespected his love and our bed, tainted our sheets, our room with the scents of my coupling with another man.

Suddenly, I am disgusted with myself. How could I have allowed things to reach this level? How could have I allowed myself to take another man into my body, when I should have reserved that privilege for my husband?

I push myself away from Marcus' arms and quickly gather my dressing gown from its perch next to my bed.

"What is the matter?" Marcus asks, perplexed by my abrupt departure. I pick up his clothes from the floor and throw them at him.

"Go!" I yell, between anguished sobs, ice slowly lacing my veins as I take in the scene of the crime. Clothes strewn all over the floor, bed sheets rumpled, pillows thrown over the side of the bed. If only could Carlisle see me now. What would he think of his precious wife if he saw me right now, naked except for a dressing robe, his brother hastily donning his trousers as I hysterically cry.

I am such a disappointment. I'm glad Carlisle is in London, away from the destruction I've created.

"Please," Marcus begs, clearly wishing to hold me and soothe away my pain.

"Go, leave!" I say again, in a hoarse voice. "Leave me alone!"

He hesitates for a moment before he departs, leaving me to pick up the pieces of my broken life.

**X-x-X**

There's a beauty in destruction. Destroying oneself, destroying the things you love. When all you ever held dear is in ruins, all you have are the memories of what it was. If you have nothing left to lose, you have nothing to fear.

After my initial reaction, Marcus stayed away from me for a while. He even attempted to keep his distance by going to London to stay with his brother, the brother we so thoroughly betrayed. Soon, though, like man obsessed, he returns to Masen house, to continue his pursue of me.

At first I try to resist him. I try, but I am so weak, so very weak. And as the weak, wretched being that I am, I find myself once again wrapped between Marcus' sheets.

Months go by, I make myself imagine that Carlisle has never existed. I make myself feel as if Marcus is indeed my husband and Alice's father. I make myself exist in a world where Anthony is nothing but a sweet dream that never came to fruition. It is easy to forget the pain when there's happiness and love to replace it. Even when that joy is marred by the scent of betrayal emanating from our very pores.

One morning though, reality comes crashing down on me when I realise that my courses have stopped. I make myself believe it's due to my own guilt, that I'm so preoccupied with Carlisle returning unannounced that I made myself ill. When I start retching on a chamberpot every morning the truth becomes apparent even to Marcus. He sees the changes in my body as he explores it every night. He sees my breasts growing, filling so they can one day nourish the child growing inside me. He sees the curve of my belly expanding to accommodate our child. Like the fool and romantic that he is, he starts planning, preparing to take me and Alice to the continent. Where no one will judge or know that I'm nothing but a faithless woman running away from her pain.

I let Marcus live in his fantasies. I don't have the heart to tell him that even though I welcome him into my bed, inside my body every night, even though my actions may speak otherwise, I still love Carlisle like I loved him the very first day I laid eyes on him. I'm torn between my passion for Marcus, the need I have to be protected by him from the pain that is eating me from the inside, and the fierce love I feel for Carlisle. Even after all this time apart I can't make myself renounce him, even after all I've done I can't make myself forget him. I know this will be my curse for as long as I live, to know that I betrayed the one person that I have ever loved.

**X-x-X**

I'm knitting in my parlour, enjoying the morning sun when a maid comes running into the room and screams at me that Lord Cullen is hurt.

I run to Marcus' room to find a scene out of nightmares. His bed is covered in bloody rags, a doctor hovering over his body checking for signs of life. Everything is a flurry of activity, every one doing their best to save the kind Lord Cullen. However, as I look at him, as I touch his hand resting over his torso, I know. Marcus is gone, and with him is gone my world of light and fantasies. It's time to wake up and face the pain.

The butler has to carry me outside as I succumb to my sobs.

**X-x-X**

"Esme," I hear Carlisle's voice croak as I open my eyes in our room. The memories come crashing down on me. Marcus' accident, his death, Carlisle's arrival, Carlisle's face when he hugged me and felt the bump of the baby growing inside me. I fainted when I realised that he knew. There's nothing I can do to hide my perfidy now.

I blink, and as my eyes clear from the tears I see the face, the one face I've longed to see in all these months. Carlisle is as handsome as he has always been. His features are twisted in pain, a pain I have caused, but he's beautiful, there's simply no other word.

He flinches when I try to touch his face and that hurts me more than I want to admit.

He walks to the other side of the room, and I feel the distance between us grow with each of his steps.

"Why?" he finally asks. "Why, poppet?" I could give him a multitude of excuses. I could lie and tell him Marcus seduced me, that I was an unwilling participant, that it only happened once. Instead, I do what I should have done since the very beginning. I tell him the truth. I speak of the pain that I felt when it became obvious that Anthony would not survive longer than a day. I tell him of how my heart broke when we put our baby boy on the earth. I tell him that I needed him, that I love him, and I needed his support. I let him know how much it hurt me to see him pull away, to realise that he preferred to be away from me. I explain to him that I am weak, that I let things escape my control, that I surrendered to Marcus looking for someone who cared. I simply needed someone who cared. I was so very alone. There's so much loss and so much pain we have avoided.

I beg him for a second chance, a chance to start over, and he nods against my chest as he gathers me in his arms and cries for the first time since Anthony died.

It feels wrong to feel hope when Marcus is dead and my marriage is in shambles, but I can't help but feel hope when I finally allow myself to share the pain with my husband, like I should have done months ago.

**X-x-X**

It's late at night and I turn to find the bed empty. For a minute I think it has all been a dream and Carlisle is in London, away from us. However, when I hear someone cooing in the next room I smile.

I walk to find the sweetest scene I have ever witnessed. Carlisle is rocking a restless Edward in his arms. He's humming an old nursery rhyme and rocking our baby boy against his chest. Edward is such a precious boy, so beautiful. He's just like his fathers, like the father who sired him, and like the father who loves him with his whole heart. There's no denying the love Carlisle feels for this baby. He is a miracle for us both, the missing part that has pieced our broken hearts back together. He's the hope for the future, and I know in that instant, as Carlisle kisses Edward's tiny forehead, that we will be fine. We will be more than fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **A/N I don't know why I felt the need to write this outtake. All I can say is that Esme wanted to be heard so I gave her a voice. I know cheating is a big no no for most people. I can't make myself read fic or books that has any cheating on it. So thank you to those brave souls who gave this outtake a chance. All I can say, as a child from a couple who has survived cheating, is that sometimes things aren't black and white. Sometimes stuff happens and we have to get lost before we can find our way home again.**

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading.


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